So this is my first ever post on this site.
I used to self harm alot, i have scars all over my legs and arms. I love the feeling and every day of my life i think about it. Although, i stopped about a year ago for my mum. I cut a really deep wound and it wasn’t healing, it was infected and i was worried, so i had to tell her. The way she reacted was a surprise to me. Silence.
She was very shocked and just said very little. Even today she can’t bring herself to say that it happened and prefers to pretend it never did.
She made me promise to never do it again, and i could see how much anguish was in her eyes, so i agreed. However she gave me no support throughout stopping. That was the last thing said and she thinks that was the end of it. But it’s not. If you have ever cut before you’ll know what i’m talking about, it becomes addictive. It’s a form of coping for you, and when someone takes that away you have nothing left, no support, nothing to help you through tough times. It makes EVERYTHING harder to deal with.
What made it worse is the fact that she thinks the reason i did it was for attention. The day she asked me that, i will never forget. That question, that serious question hurt me deep into my soul and i don’t think i will ever get over it. It shows how much she didn’t understand, how much she blocked out and ignored.
She must think i regret them, because whenever i’m wearing shorts she worries people will see and judge her for being an unfit mother. But i don’t regret them. My only regret is not having done more and telling her in the first place.
I look at my scars with love and attraction.
I know this may seem weird to anyone else but i think they complete the person i am, they give me confidence and i remember each cut with a comforting thought.
When i was cutting, my brother actually walked in on me once and had seen my scars and recent cuts on my legs prior. He simply asked me “what are you cooking for dinner?” and walked away. He didn’t try to stop me, he didn’t tell mum or anyone. It was as if it didn’t matter to him at all.
When my boyfriend found out he was distraught and worried so much for me and my safety. He pleaded that i tell my mum and begged me to stop, but i couldn’t.
I expected mum to stop buying razors and hide all the knives or something but she didn’t do anything. She’s never tried to understand my feelings.I guess i feel lonely and helpless now. I kind of think it wasn’t such a big thing since neither my brother or my mum really worry for me. So why should i have to stop for the sake of others when i see nothing wrong with cutting yourself. If it makes you feel better then why is that a problem?
I used to cut to deal with anger and any other strong emotions i was feeling. Now that i’ve stopped i seem to be angry all the time, and emotional. I’m constantly flying off the handle and instead of helping me through it, my family call me moody and complain about me.
I get why i would be annoying, but if im so annoying and moody then i don’t see why i can’t cut to control my emotions better.
“Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier and simpler.”
4 comments
I get what you mean by feeling love and attraction when you look at them. Whenever I undress in the bathroom I’m looking at my arms and a good feeling comes over me. I especially like this one scar that says ‘HATE’ on my arm. Well, whenever I look at my cuts I remember how good it felt to make them, then I make some more.
I used to cut but don’t know. I just kinda stopped. And haven’t done it. It is much easier to cope with all feeling by cutting. Its obviously not healthy, but its the persons choice and they should be able to. Its not like were harming someone or something else.
I’ve been cutting myself since I was 12. When it got really bad my mom begged me to never do it again. That was right after getting 7 stitches in my wrist. But as much as she begged me.. I couldn’t stop. I don’t cut as much anymore, but yeah, I guess I know how you feel.
ive been cutting for 2 years. yesterday i finally told my mom. it was the hardest thing ive ever done. the look on her face. im now going to stop and get help, like go to therapy or something. i feel so bad about how i made my mom cry… it hurt me so much to know i hurt her….
but now everyday she askes me if im ok and how im doing… i really dont want to talk about it with her that much. i basically only told her so i could go to therapy… i dont want my mom to show her worry or tell people “i want her to just forget it and sign me up for therapy after chirstmas… thats all i want… but i know she’ll tell my dad. she probably has already…. i wrote my boyfriends name on my wrists in sharpie so when ever i felt like cutting id see his name and id think of him and how i made a promis to him that i would never do it again….
-Morgan