Why stop when i don’t want to?

  December 11th, 2011 by solace

So this is my first ever post on this site.

I used to self harm alot, i have scars all over my legs and arms. I love the feeling and every day of my life i think about it. Although, i stopped about a year ago for my mum. I cut a really deep wound and it wasn’t healing, it was infected and i was worried, so i had to tell her. The way she reacted was a surprise to me. Silence.
She was very shocked and just said very little. Even today she can’t bring herself to say that it happened and prefers to pretend it never did.

She made me promise to never do it again, and i could see how much anguish was in her eyes, so i agreed. However she gave me no support throughout stopping. That was the last thing said and she thinks that was the end of it. But it’s not. If you have ever cut before you’ll know what i’m talking about, it becomes addictive. It’s a form of coping for you, and when someone takes that away you have nothing left, no support, nothing to help you through tough times. It makes EVERYTHING harder to deal with.

What made it worse is the fact that she thinks the reason i did it was for attention. The day she asked me that, i will never forget. That question, that serious question hurt me deep into my soul and i don’t think i will ever get over it. It shows how much she didn’t understand, how much she blocked out and ignored.
She must think i regret them, because whenever i’m wearing shorts she worries people will see and judge her for being an unfit mother. But i don’t regret them. My only regret is not having done more and telling her in the first place.
I look at my scars with love and attraction.

I know this may seem weird to anyone else but i think they complete the person i am, they give me confidence and i remember each cut with a comforting thought.

When i was cutting, my brother actually walked in on me once and had seen my scars and recent cuts on my legs prior. He simply asked me “what are you cooking for dinner?” and walked away. He didn’t try to stop me, he didn’t tell mum or anyone. It was as if it didn’t matter to him at all.

When my boyfriend found out he was distraught and worried so much for me and my safety. He pleaded that i tell my mum and begged me to stop, but i couldn’t.

I expected mum to stop buying razors and hide all the knives or something but she didn’t do anything. She’s never tried to understand my feelings.I guess i feel lonely and helpless now. I kind of think it wasn’t such a big thing since neither my brother or my mum really worry for me. So why should i have to stop for the sake of others when i see nothing wrong with cutting yourself. If it makes you feel better then why is that a problem?
I used to cut to deal with anger and any other strong emotions i was feeling. Now that i’ve stopped i seem to be angry all the time, and emotional. I’m constantly flying off the handle and instead of helping me through it, my family call me moody and complain about me.

I get why i would be annoying, but if im so annoying and moody then i don’t see why i can’t cut to control my emotions better.

“Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier and simpler.”

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