I’ve tried over and over again, and each time it was a “miracle” (doctors’ and others’ words, not mine) that I survived. From ropes snapping, guns just refusing to fire, pills that my body was somehow resistant too, hell, I’ve even poured gasoline all over myself but the damn lighter wouldn’t light. Why could the closest person I had to a father take his own life on the first try, but at the point where I’ve stopped counting attempts, I’m still standing? It’s just not fair. I just wish I could die.
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This might sound harsh, but I think you should look for the real reasons you’re staying alive, instead of ascribing it to divine intervention.
“the lighter wouldn’t light”? To me that smacks of poor preparation, and I’ll haste to add that I’m glad you’re not dead.
But since you seem to want peace, I think you should look inwards or discuss your problems with someone, in order to find that peace, whether in life or in death.
@muspelhem
It was a brand new lighter, same with the ropes, the guns were loaded with the safety off, I took two fucking bottles of painkillers. It has nothing to do with poor preparation, I’ve even tried jumping off a fucking bridge. Trust me, with the number of times I tried and the number of times something went wrong, or with doctors calling my survivals “miracles,” God interfering is the only reason that could make sense.
And as much as I want peace, I’ll never get it. I’m the result of a cheating mother, the complete stranger that I share my DNA with is a convicted rapist that’s rotting in a prison for the rest of his life. My mom’s (ex now) husband, I was told was my father most of my life. I was the kid they both hated because I was a living reminder that my mom cheated. I was told by my mom every day that she wished I was dead instead of my oldest brother. The guy I thought was my dad beat me well past what should have killed me, on a daily basis. The only people I’ve ever really trusted are either dead or they stabbed me in the back.
You’re right that I want peace, but wrong thinking I could actually find it.
Oh yeah, I forgot to put this in the post. I’m going to try yet again at midnight on newyears, It seems fitting, I hate new years because it means another year without Darren (the closest person I had to a father). So this time around I’ll try to be dead before the year even starts.
If there is a God, I guess He’s doing his job, you know, looking over his flock and all. But I’ll say this: you need to write a screenplay. Your story would make an amazing movie, a la “Groundhog Day”. You write well, which is a rarity these days. Not to mention, creative outlets work wonders for mood/mental disorders. It lets you express your emotions without having to find someone to confide in, which is always a challenge. And don’t get too hung up on this mother/father BS. Family is overrated. I purposely stay away from mine ’cause they are all annoying as sh!t. Of course, after my father died, I glorified him, but, in all honesty, he was a tortured soul and a terrible father. I don’t resent him, but, like I said, family is overrated. And looking to anyone for some sort of affirmation or approval is setting yourself up for huge disappointment. Learning to like yourself is KEY.
I’ve been blocked many times…out of no where cops would show up, something would just come up, or timing wasn’t right. So I do my best to follow the flow of the Chairman (as they call Him in the Adjustment Bureau). When your in His flow, you’ll find a better way to go about your path, however that unfolds. Believe me, when it’s time, you’ll know.
Take care.
Man just sitting here crying this story sounds so much like mine it is so not funny down to every detail it is exactly the same and I’m stuck at the same point of not knowing what to do if you have any advice I’d love to hear it