I have felt that life is pretty pointless for a long while now. Although things get better for a little while, it’s all temporary. I’m lying to my friends that things aren’t bothering me, I’m lying to my really close friends and telling them that I am not considering suicide as an option anymore.
It has stopped worrying me that I am considering it as an option, and I suppose that fact should be worrying me itself but it doesn’t. I’ve stopped myself from making solid plans, but I have a big life altering event ahead of me, and I am thinking that if that doesn’t allow me to change my life that I am wasting my time trying to do it otherwise and that I should just give up.
I’ve been considering what might be the least selfish method, because although I don’t feel strongly enough to care to stick around, I don’t feel like I should punish those closest to me either.
It’s such a relief to not keep this bottled up inside me anymore.
I don’t feel I have any control over anything at the minute, and allowing myself to think and plan makes me feel like I have a little of that back.
I’ve tried before and been pretty disastrously unsuccessful, but I never really planned in enough depth.
I don’t even know where this ramble is going anymore so I’m going to stop it.
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2 comments
Hopefully that event gives you impetus to continue.
I had that situation and I thought something was going to happen but it did not.
So I decided to go.
Wishing yours works out more positive than mine did.
Yeah, me too.
I went out last night, completely spontaneously last night to a comedy night, and actually had a good time. It’s hard for me to see things in black and white at the minute, I just don’t know how I am meant to pick up and start over if this doesn’t work. It feels like this is my chance to pick up, wipe the slate nearly clean and begin again. I need that so much. I hate leaving my fate in the hands of government officials.