Not really too sure what I’m going to write about, but I feel the need to express myself. Here goes nothing..
So lately I’ve been freaking out quite a lot. When I say “freaking out” I mean, REALLY freaking out. Like throwing cookie dough at my dad, screaming, having the cops called on me, and my brother throwing a peanut butter jar at my face to get me to stop. Made for a nice little fat lip for a few days.. I can’t even remember why anymore. It was stupid. A flash.
I was so pissed that day I just couldn’t calm down. I had to shower a little after to get all the sugar and crap off of myself, and even then I couldn’t stop bawling. I cried for at least two hours until a friend picked me up.
After I finally got back, my dad had this nice little chat with me about how I need to simply try harder. Talks like that always make me feel depressed. Always helpless. There’s no good way to explain myself to my father. No way to show him how much I already try, and how much I’m done with just “trying” anymore. I want to “try” my medication. I want to see if it helps. That’s the only way I can try anymore.
They argue it’ll make me depressed. Fuck me up long term. Who cares? I’m already fucked up now. Can’t they fucking see?
My dad asked me what I was angry at. I said nothing. I’m not angry, nor sad, about anything. I just am, and I just get angry, and I couldn’t tell anyone why. Try telling that to the cops when they asked what happened to cause all that shit.. I gave up. I walked away.
That’s my life right now.