I just wanted to make sure that if I needed to do it, it would be there for me. I tried it out briefly, put it on myself. I think it might be lethal if I’ve set it up right. I could probably make it more of a sure thing with alcohol. Maybe things will get better. I feel so weak. I’m afraid that if people know, they’ll take it away from me. Nothing seems more depressing than losing my choice. Why do I feel this way? If I did it now, it would take awhile for them to find me. They’d be in bed, and I’d be in the garage, my life evaporating. It would probably be hours before they found me, and by that time, I’d be long gone.
If you don’t hear from me, you’ll know what happened.
5 comments
don’t give up. we have plenty of time to die… just try living a bit longer. you never know whatll happen in your life. things could get better, and im sure they could be worse also.
I’m in the same boat… I’m sitting in a hotel room… I have all of the helium equipment…. I’m just scared…..
please hang in there. I have had so many dark times in my life. I have wanted it all to end. More than once. I pushed through the hurt….being young is the hardest time in your life. I’m glad I didn’t go through with it now. I am very happy and strong. These tough times do make you stronger. You will see. There are many wonderful experiences left to experience ….and happy times to be had. I still have some crappy days… when I feel helpless, but everyone does. Don’t give up, it will get better…
At the time, when I was going through my most difficult challenges, nobody could of told me it would get better… now when I look back, I am so relieved that I didn’t go through with what I planned. The people I knew, the ones who hurt me, were not worth my time. Over time, I have found the people who care about me and deserve to know me. Please don’t do this.. it will get better. It always does … you are becoming stronger over time day by day , by your experience. Let yourself experience the wonderful things to come. The deeper the dark, the closer the dawn…
Well, I made it.
I’m feeling somewhat better, which I suppose is a good thing. Before I had the chance to do anything, I fell asleep on the sofa. I’ll take that as a sign. Feeling less down than last night. The kids are home because it snowed for the first time this seasion. And now apparently word *has* gotten around at school, to the point that the Director wants to talk to be about my mental health later today. Hopefully that will go okay, in the same fashion that talking to him about my quitting alcohol went okay 7 years ago when he was just the department chair. The last thing I need is for the student body to get wind of this. 🙁
Hey porphyrous….glad to see your still with us…and feeling just a little bit better….sometimes the answers sneak up on us with baby steps just like the depressions….don’t even know what i just said….but gonna leave it in anyway…myself i am quite numb today….and even that is a blessing….cuz tomorrow could go either way….i got a 50% chance of feeling better tomorrow….that is what keeps me going….truth…that and laughter and tears….oh yeah and my herb too unfortunately….lol….and all of you here
something even weirder…..if you’re brave and invulnerable all the time….no one can or will help….we admire heroes…we don’t help them….ask for his help….but only a little at a time….don’t go all schizzy on him….that won’t help either of you….just ask Dawg….lol
and in my opinion there should be a new definition for the word hero…..to me a hero is someone who falls to their lowest and can still rise from their pit to help another in crisis….even themselves…so hence a hero is one who falls the furthest and rises the highest….anything there?….if i’m right….we’re all fucking heroes….yeah us
Just remember Achilles….nothing wrong with you….just the world…us….and we are all vulnerable….just don’t let it define you….what else are you besides wounded?….lol… a whole lot i would wager…..a lot of it i’ve seen on your posts and comments….and i don’t think anyone can be a hero all the time….sometimes you have to let someone else take a turn and be your hero….
enough i agree…..just the state of my mind today….sorry
glad you’re here and feeling even a little bit better…..
Love
Amakua