After all that has transpired in the last four days, I’m terrified of going to school tomorrow. I feel like something bad is going to happen that is outside my control, and I’ll be fired for completely cold, calculating, business reasons. I don’t know what else to say at the moment. I would give anything to not have school tomorrow. What’s worse, I have to teach a split (morning 9am-1:45 pm and evening 5:45pm-10:15pm) and I don’t know if I’ll hold up. Before you ask, calling in sick is out of the question. They’ll know it’s not true and just be that much harder on me. I feel helpless.
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I can’t help but to ask but what happened?
Long story. Here are the pieces of it:
http://suicideproject.org/2011/12/on-wednesday-night-i-broke/
http://suicideproject.org/2012/01/on-wednesday-afternoon-i-went-to-the-hospital/
http://suicideproject.org/2012/01/did-i-damage-myself/
http://suicideproject.org/2012/01/ambushed-at-work/
Well after reading your story I see why you feel you can’t go into work. I say teach. Fuck the dean and the director and prove to them that your mental issues don’t make you incapable of handling your job. Employers are always cold especially when it comes to mental illness… They’re honestly shitty with other illnesses too. Don’t let those bastards win…
I second what kno1 said. Do your best and ignore what they’re trying to do to you. At least that way you know you’ve tried.
Good luck.
I made it through the day. Morning class went okay…only 2 out of 9 students showed, possibly miscommunicaion over MLK Day. Made sure ALL of my bureaucracy was caught up…last thing I need is someone scrutinizing my dotted i’s and crossed t’s. Got home 1st time at 2:15…tried to nap, woke up twice with panic attacks. Back to work at 4:30, tried to get my evening class’s stuff taken care of. Theory discussion went fine, but had some issues in the lab, partly my fault (which I’m fine with, I own my mistakes) partly the fact that the Instructor Guide’s lab procedures were written by animals lacking opposable thumbs. Dragged myself out at 10:15PM. Had a couple co-workers express solidarity with me. When I got home, I saw that both garage doors had been left open. I know where my ligature is. I could have walked quietly in from my car to the garage and hung myself without anyone ever knowing until it was too late. As tempting as it was — rest, sweet rest — I did the “right” thing and closed the doors with my remote and walked in the front door.
The Dean didn’t even bother showing up. She took a vacation day. One less enemy to keep track of. Director was there but I successfully avoided him all day.
My short-term memory is improving, but my vision is still blurred. Gives me an excuse to annoy everyone by wearing these wonderful purple and pink reading glasses. Makes people wonder what team I play for. I…enjoy their struggles with gender uncertainty. 🙂
Not quite as bad as I’d feared, all in all. Tomorrow is another split shift, morning office hours, evening class. Harder to be unseen, but I’ll try my best invisibility act. Still scared, but at least now not petrified.
I’m glad that it went better than you expected – and that you resisted the temptation presented to you. I hope that tomorrow goes better for you too. Good luck.
🙂 You sound a lot better than before. Hope it keeps looking up.
And your glasses sound great! 😛