I really need a safe (free ) anger outlet that no1 will notice around me (parents /friends ) bcoz I have a LOT!! of built up anger that one day I’m afraid I won’t be able to control and I’ll direct towards the wrong person and it’s just not good so can someone help me ?
i always have this plan in the back of my head. a way out when things get too much. i have attempted in the past (tomorrow is my one year out of the psych ward! which is a huge accomplishment because i cannot tell you when the last time i made it a full year without some sort of admission). my plan is simple. find a favorite spot on a beautiful sunny cool day. find a bench or a place on the grass. drink the water bottle that i would have previously opened capsules of meds and dissolved in the water. and fade away in […]
Well, this depression is destroying my life. I can’t be happy anymore. I used to be so funny and loud, but now all that is just a history. I can’t study, eat, or go out. I’m locked in my room 3/4 of a day.
At night I fell asleep with tears in my eyes. I can’t control myself anymore. I feel like I’m death, and now I am just breathing..
I have no control of my thoughts.
Why do I feel this way. I know im not crazy.
I feel like I am, But I know im pretty normal because no one else even knows how im feeling right now.
Its like a hidden secret that im not trying to hide
I want help.
I don’t want this. I want to just leave for a while and take care of me. Lock me up if that’s what it takes. I cant do this anymore. I cant fight my own thoughts.
I don’t have the energy or the strength.
Im fighting a losing battle.
I feel like I’m falling back to my old habbits. The last weeks I started to take more and more control about eating and exercising. My life’s turning again about (not) eating and exercising and trying to hide it all. But I’m fine with it, because my life is a little bit more bearable now, and I have sometimes a little happy moment (if I lost some weight or had a good exercise). And I know it’s unhealthy and stuff, but it’s keeping me from suicide, so that’s a good thing, right? And I’m going to be more happy with my body. I love the […]
the clutching curiosity of death is grasping me relentlessly. i wonder the thoughts that would race through my mind as i plummeted towards the pavement, i wonder what people would think when they discovered what happened to me, i wonder what people would think when the found out my true story and how shitty i felt while i was laughing at their jokes.
iÂ will end my life,Â i will end it,Â iÂ will, no one else, nothing else. this is me taking control of my life.
It’s weird how calculated I’m being about my own need to take my own life. The reason I’m here in the first place is because I have so many emotions I can’t control/deal with anymore. And here I am thinking of all the things I need to get in order before I go. I need to get a job and pay off my student loans so my parents aren’t left with grief AND debt. I need to leave them all my passwords. I need to get my room in order and get rid of as much stuff so they don’t have to go through everything […]
2 years clean and i finally broke down. Â My wrists have so many scars on them its….its funny…
I claimed insanity today..I cut my arms and laughed as the blood slowly came out. I threw my head back and laughed.
I dont cut deep enough to drip blood..just enough to leave a mark.
closed my eyes and keep picturing me as a little kid. running through the grass with my arms open wide my head held high…laughing
I posted my picture of my cuts because to me its a pretty picture..but no one else thinks so…their all mad at me and it just makes me cut more.
ask me why […]
I have to drive with both hands and both knees on the wheel to control the impulse of slamming into telephone poles. Windows terrify me because I know what they’re for. I swear to heaven and hell if I ever see a gun within arms reach, it’ll be in my mouth and discharged before anyone (including myself) knew what hit them.
There is nothing for me in this world. I never belonged, and it was only one thing, a loved one, that kept me alive for 10 years of my adult life. She died painfully. With her gone I see the world the way it truly […]
Tomorrow morning Iâ€™m going to my first counseling appointment with a counselor of my choice who specializes in the areas I need help with most. Scared and anxious are words that donâ€™t even do the situation justice. Iâ€™m beyond terrified, but I will be strong and I will not resist help like Iâ€™ve always done in the past. I wish I had just one person standing by my side, telling me Iâ€™m making the right choice and I will be okay, but I donâ€™t. In the end we have ourselves and that has to be enough.
I have suicidal thoughts pretty much everyday that will […]
Why can’t I choose when my life ends? Why do people think its oh so bad to want to end a life? Im not killing others just myself. I should be able to have some control over what I do. If I can’t have control over my life, then why not my death? Shouldn’t I be able to do what makes me happy? I want it to end on my terms. My terms are dieing with in the first few weeks of school starting.
I fucking hate my life. So I shit around, help other people with their lives in order to forget about my fucked up life… I know that won’t change anything, but I hate my life. I loathe it. I want to give up. I want to fucking give up everything. I can’t decide nor choose anything in my life. It’s all fucking manipulated by my parents even after highschool graduation. I hate living. I hate my family, I hate everything that is me. I just want to fucking kill myself. I a fucking useless shit infested with self-hatred. The judges won’t like me. I won’t […]
In high school I would rarely if ever challenge mistaken or erroneous assumptions or allegations of authority figures, feeling timid toward the discomfort of conflict.Â I had recorded and would hold onto relatively trivial incidents that should have been forgotten the following day.Â My youth, and later, young adulthood, were spent with intense frustration characterized by potential unable to be developed, holding increasing resentment and bitterness to past wrongs that went unresolved.Â Lesson: Learn from misfortune, failures, and injustices.Â Donâ€™t dwell on them, try to see the positive, try to learn something, see how to handle similar situations in the future, and move on.Â Much […]
Last night was really scary. Iâ€™m 18, Iâ€™ve had suicidal thoughts off and on for over a year now, but lately they are pretty relentless. Yesterday I was having them all day, Iâ€™m not even sure why. I also just relapsed with my eating disorder. Every day I either restrict calories or eat and then make myself sick. I threw up twice yesterday. When it came time to go to bed I could not think about anything other than killing myself. I started to drift off and as I did I started picturing everyone who knows me going to my funeral and reacting to my […]
Everyday it’s the same torture. I wake up not wanting to get out of bed. I leave my room to get on the scale seeing a number that makes me cry. I won’t eat but 100 cals a day. I weigh 99 pounds but my body looks like it’s 160 pounds. My parents worry. I clench my teeth trying not to cry all day. I ask myself why I let it get this far. I hate myself for who I am and the things I do. I start to believe I deserve all of this. I miss my boyfriend so much, he can’t be here […]
welcome to the world kid,you have about 13 years to be happy,to be you,to be like nietzche said a superman,dont care about religiÃ³n,responsability,education,prejuices,tabus,even sex.in this period you are you in your pure state,not influenced by society.when this period ends your mind starts to change,your feelings are new you will have to go to school,study like a damn nerd,obey the rules.now you are not you anymore,you are influenced by the people that surrounds you,their ideas,their fears.your doors are closing slowly.that pure kid that you where is dying.religion enters your life even if you dont like it at all.you have been raised to be a responsable,calm and […]
Well, I’m the girl everyone thinks is happy. They all come to me with their problems. No one would suspect that I’ve dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts as long as I can remember…
I know the first time I remember wanting to die was when I was 7 years old. When I voiced this thought to my mother, she said she would hit me if I ever said that again.
I remember I was about 12 or 13 when I first started cutting and starving myself. No one thought anything of my rapid weight loss; kids go through stages where they suddenly lose […]
Letâ€™s just honestly say, that many childrenâ€™s creation upon this Earth was a mistake. Â In several ways. People tend to deny these things, this entire post perhaps, but they avert their eyes when they do. Â Then they rapidly change topic, start accusations of something you yourself have done, but they twist it around and make it sound as if they had no part in itâ€¦.had no part in being the very reason why you did that (whatever it may be). And when you deny it, of being the sole factor in a certain exchanging of words, in a response, or an action, they lose what […]
The more I write and talk, the more I started to understand why. I understand why I have thoughts of death. I understand why I want to cut. I understand why everything feels out of my control. I’m trying to get help, but I’m afraid it won’t work. I think I want to stop feeling this way, but I can’t decide if that’s really possible. I hope it is. Because I picked up a blade the first time when I was 12. Pills came at 13. And just maybe I can stop it all. I just don’t understand what it will take to stop.