Hello,
Just saw this site and read some comments, and I’ll add my story; there seem to be some here with a rational mindset who will let me tell it without trying to sway me to one decision or another, and may be able to relate.
I’m 42, married, 1 kid, decent job, nice home, etc. etc. Doesn’t seem to matter when it comes to the thoughts.  Seems I’ve had recurring suicidal thoughts since I was 16. Never tried it, or seriously planned it, but wow, the wanting to end it, and thoughts of how I would exit, have surfaced more often that I’ve cared to admit over the past 26 years.Â
What’s different now is that, for the first time, I feel like I could really do the deed and believe, in my heart, that it was the right thing to do. I have bipolar, am an addict, and really have pushed away any friends or acquaintances. Always have. Alone always seemed preferable, and still does; the feeling of permanent residence on the Island of Misfit Toys has been a constant thought and theme.
Therapy? Done it. Twelve-Step? Done it. Religion? Done it. (And if anyone chooses to reply to this post….please don’t mention religion.) Medication? On it. None of it has really brought me peace of mind. My mind NEVER STOPS.Â
Honestly, the only thing really stopping me is knowing the impact on my wife and son….but I’m also a narcissist, and in my narcissistic state I don’t care about the impact to others. Selfish, I know. But I get so sick of reading stories from people in pain and hearing the response “Think about the impact on others”.  A big part of the reason I want to exit is that I am sick and tired of being so narcissistic.Â
I don’t believe, for me, making the decision to exit is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I think it’s a solution to a PERMANENT problem. An outside observer would say I have it all: job, family, very nice house, etc. My mind, however, has always been like this. And the only way I see out of it is an exit.  I don’t know how I’d do it, but just knowing that I really could go through with it brings me a sliver of peace, the only sliver I’ve got right now, it seems.
Thank you for reading.
4 comments
What are you addicted to? Maybe it’s common knowledge, but that could mess up your meds too..
I get what you mean about a permanent solution to a permanent problem – other’s just don’t get it. I’m not sure that I really classify myself like that yet, but I’ve definitely had the thought.
I think.. Some people are mean’t to live. Other’s are mean’t to die. Some are just mean’t to endure and teach other people of their sufferings until they finally pass. You’ll have to find that out for yourself of course, where you think you belong.
Best of luck. Hope I said something meaningful.
Fair enough.
I can’t help wondering what’s changed – since you said that you’ve never been serious about it until now – so what, apart from the feeling, has changed?
Good luck.
I hear you. I’ve tried doing all the things humans do… School, job, marriage, house, kids… But nothing works, nothing connects me. In the end I’m just as lonely and sad as ever. So I’ve gotten to my forties, and my life is no more than if I had been dead. So why not be dead and rid of feeling awful every day.
you need to take a break. a vacation. get away for a week. go somewhere. go to a club or to the beach where people are having fun. sit in the sun. sunlight is a natural anti-depressant . has loads of vitamin D. find something around town that you enjoy doing a day or 2 out of each week. believe it or not, any form of exercise will release feel good endorphins into your system. after a few weeks of working out you’ll feel more energetic and have more positive thoughts. instead of sitting around thinking of an exit, go swimming somewhere. nothing as relaxing as a nice swim to clear your mind.