It was my job to keep my phone by my side…my best friend AKA my brother made it clear that he would call ME, if anyone, if he contemplated suicide. At 9;43PM May 8, 2010, I called him and left a message about the Mother’s Day celebration the following day. In a heavy sleep, I missed a phone call at 6AM from a restricted number. Come 8AM, there was a knock at my door. My girlfriend (I was in a gay relationship at the time) answered the door and came back to bed to inform me that my mother and aunt were there. First thought-SHIT, the house is a mess, we had 2 dogs. Any chance they won’t notice the sound of the vacuum real quick? Second thought-WOW, they are both mothers themselves, and they are taking the time to come to MY house-how fu–ing sweet! I step outside, look at their faces and know… My mother utters my brother’s name. I emit a gutteral scream “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” She didn’t have to tell me what happened, I knew from the deepest most intuitive part of my soul. He shot himself with his 270 rifle, a gift I advised my mother purchase for him. A gift I went to the store, picked out, bought with my mothers money and wrapped. I still have a video with him opening that delightful gift. Neither him (I don’t think) nor I fathomed what was to take place years later. (The 6AM call was from the detective on the case of his death)
I feel I did my brother justice in the planning of his service at my mothers house. I made all of the arrangements from cremation to providing seeds for planting to the memorial cards. It was the last gift I could give him at that point to show him that I truly love him. I don’t harbor ill feelings toward him. He was my best friend. More than anything, I am sad that he felt this was his only choice. I pray, if there is a God, and if there isn’t, if there’s only an “inner connectedness” what ever it is…that he doesn’t feel any more pain whatsoever. He suffered enough here. I hope he is free now. I love him just as much today as I did on that fateful night. I don’t pretend to know everyone’s story, and I recognize that I only know a portion of my brother’s. Yes, it hurts every single day. Yes, I hope he would have found another way. But he was not a selfish man. He truly cared about his family and friends. I know he thought of us before he did it because we talked about it months before-what happens when you kill yourself. What it means to him. He was clear in his idea that when a person takes their own life, they have to “see and feel” the effect on their own family. Fuc–ng OUCH!!! To him, that was better than living. Doesn’t that say enough? If it took THIS to make it better, it was NOT an easy decision. My brother, he got to drinking more as he got more depressed. But I tell you, the autopsy results showed no alcohol or drugs. I called it wrong-I figured he had a bottle of something. Just goes to show…you never REALLY know what someone is capable of. Maybe he wanted to show that as proof…I am totally sober and this is exactly what I feel I need to do. I Love You My Brother!!! In a blink of an eye, we will be together again.
6 comments
profound, i love you for this. im sure youre sad but what a level headed approach youve taken; its remarkable. i wish more people could view suicide “successes” in this light.
I tip my glass to you.
Sorry for your loss
Maybe I’m dense (probably – I’m a guy) But you wrote this:
” In a blink of an eye, we will be together again.”
does this mean you are going to follow his path? If so, why? you’ve managed to get through the worst of your grief – and I am truly soy for your loss – but why now after so much time has passed? I’f I am mistaken please forgive me
dumb dawg
**Sorry … not “soy’
Thank you, all of you, for your responses. Very supportive and sweet =) UN dumb dawg, thanks for posing the question you felt. “A blink of an eye” is a saying my brother had, that life here on earth is truly super quick, even though it doesn’t feel like it at times. Yes, it goes “against” his suicide when thinking about it. But it was his belief, and it is my belief that time doesn’t exist on the other side. So we truly will meet again “in a blink of an eye”. I, myself, have had suicidal tendencies in my life, more so after he made his choice, but have a great support network. I met an awesome man that went through a similar situation, and we just connect and give great support to one another. He’s a friend only, but so much like my bro, yet different. I constantly work on trying to control the depression and have been happily successful thusfar. Funnily enough, I am a very competitive person, and I will fight to win. My belief is that we are here on earth to learn things. I am in “school” here, and when I learn whatever it is that I destined to learn, I can move on to…where? I don’t have the answer because I’m not there =) Thanks again!!!