I can’t think of a title

I’ve lurked here, but I’ve never posted. (Thank you to you all, by the way.) It’s kind of scary. But I’m trying to calm down, and maybe this will help.

I don’t want to die. I just want everything to stop. I can’t control my thoughts. People make it sound easy, but I can’t just ignore them. Suicidal thoughts are on my mind quite often. I feel like they are in a constant battle with my normal thoughts. I’ve only really acted on these thoughts with the intent of dying once spontaneously, nearly two years ago now, and obviously wasn’t successful. Sometimes I’m grateful for that, but sometimes I wish I had been.

But why? I don’t know, and that is what distressful. I don’t have a reason. My past isn’t filled with any horrible events. The only person causing any drama in my life is myself. I have a great family, albeit one that doesn’t understand me at the moment and is scared of me, but a family that I can always count on being there. This is all completely my fault. I hate myself. But that is my fault too. I mean, I know about clinical depression and anxiety and other mental illnesses and I know that neither need a external reason and that I should see a psychiatrist/doctor/therapist/whatever, but I can’t connect that fact with my thoughts. Why can’t I just buck up?

I need help, but I’m too scared to get it. I can’t talk to people I know about this. I’ve tried several times, but I freeze up. I drove to the hospital one night when I was really bad, but I couldn’t make myself walk through the doors. Telephones terrify me. Posting something to a group of anonymous people is different for me for some reason than talking to one specific person and I can’t even hit “send” on emails. It’s ridiculous.

It may be for stupid and irrational reasons, but the fear is very real to me.

I don’t leave my house during the daytime. I’m completely alone (meaning no one else is in the house) for about seven hours a day, and I’m terrified of myself and of what I might do during that time. So I try to sleep during the day. But I keep having panic attacks while I’m dreaming and then I can’t go back to sleep. So I go through long periods where I sleep very little, and I know that just makes things worse. But now I’m awake all night. There are people I care about sleeping one room over, and for a while that was enough of a deterrent. But now it isn’t. There are so many things that can be used to hurt yourself. Sometimes I’m amazed, yet terrified, about how easy it is. But I don’t want to think like this. I don’t want to be scared of my own mind. This isn’t a way to continue living.

I don’t even enjoy the good moments anymore because I know they will just make the bad moments feel worse.

I feel like I’m stuck in an infinite loop, and I can’t find a fix.

Sorry if none of this makes any sense. I can never think of the correct words to use. But thank you to anyone that took the time to read this.