I clearly have no idea what is wrong with me. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and adjustment disorder..slightly bipolar on the side. What is wrong with me? I am 25, a loving family and boyfriend, but it always feels that I am lacking something on the inside. Why is it?
My family is very close knit. Very orthodox in some issues and very protective, which i think is good to some point. My relationship with my boyfriend [of 5 years] is somehow confusing. Though he keeps telling me he loves me, he also keeps on blaming me for everything wrong with his life, and mine. For our routine life, for the silly fights, for his worries at work..almost everything is my fault. Which I think may be a little true.
I just feel sad. I have always been a sad girl. And suicide is constantly on my mind. I tried drowning but yes someone did saved me and it was traumatic. The gasping for air, the panic you feel is just beyond any words, and yes, sadly, you actually do struggle for air, try all you may. I tried all my anti-depressants with vodka, still didn’t worked **obviously**. I just woke up in the morning with a weird and stale taste in my mouth, a bad headache, very dizzy and very thirsty for water. One thing i would not go for is hanging because my uncle killed himself this way and well…i just would not go for it. I tried slicing my veins, but I didn’t had the guts to cut deep enough. You see, since I am always a failure, I am afraid of not cutting deep enough to die, but deep enough to cut some vein and be paralyzed. So i ended with severe long cuts in my wrists which left scars.
I do not want to go for aspirin again. I tried it when i was 13 [yes, its been long since i’ve been trying to], i woke up groggy and with the overwhelming craving for ham sandwich and chocolate milk. I was dizzy for days and my fingers were just so numb.
You may think I am such a coward and that I actually do not want to die. Please do not think so. I just to want to fail in that too. All the things I have tried was without any help or guidance [which i believe i may get here]
I have recently came across the helium method. I have already looked for my cylinder to buy. I just need to know very thoroughly how to get through it and prepare the for the exit. Instead of reading I would really appreciate some visuals. To know what need to be done and what need to be avoided. If there is anyone out there willing to help me, please be aware that you’d actually be saving me.
Will it be crazy for me to say that i do not want to do it alone…. please do not judge me.. I just thought maybe someone might want to do it with me..Someone who’d actually understand me……
Please help me.
15 comments
i am the same way… i wanna commit suicide all the time but i just dont kno the right way… i dont blame you for not wanting to do it alone… i dont judge nobody by nothing…. i will try and understand and help you the best that i can.
Thank you very much JohnnyKB. Please believe me, it will mean very much to me.
What if there is an afterlife and you suffer even more after you die but cannot die (to escape things) again? Something to think about. I thought a lot about this when I hesitated suicide and had several failed attempts as well between 2002-2011. I don’t struggle with suicidal thoughts that much now, or any thoughts of hurting myself for that matter.
It sounds like your boyfriend is an asshole! There is no possible way that everything is your fault!
i really hope it didn’t sound like I was complaining about him. He is a lovely guy, and my parents love him to bits, sometimes i do think that they may love him more than me. He always takes care of me when I am sick. Everyone knows, he’s better than me actually. But whenever he need anyone to blame, to vent on…it has to be me. And this one time during diner, he told his family that i have eating disorder, that i throw up after every meal, and it was embarrassing. And other things he does.
But sometimes….i just feel so empty inside. it’s insane how empty and void i feel.
Yeah, i agree with Liz. You deserve to be treated better than the way your boyfriend treats you. You are worthy of someone good, because you are perfect to me! I know that sounds weird because i don’t know you, but that is coming from my inner God, he is telling me you are perfect Believe it, because no matter how flawed you feel you are PErfect in my and his eyes!
It is the most wonderful thing someone ever said to me…for the first time. really for the first time…and it made me cry.. [sorry]
me too,, just now i went up to top of our apartment to jump but i couldnt,, feeling if i dont get dead but i become drippled? and the pain? maybe im such a coward and at the moment(up there) i thought about commiting it with someone else,,, (for i’m so weak) and i thought about if im to be dead soon why dont i experience the world more? like traveliing somewhere new. im living south korea and 21. you can leave reply or give me email if you are interested. mhs9@naver.com
You are not the only one who has failed at suiside i have a miserable embarrassing track record of 13 fails….it sounds like a pretty complicated diagnosis im bipolar also try not beating yourself up or blamming yourself for all your relationship difficuilties it takes two.i hope sp helps you feel that you are heard and dont feel alone ..you sound pretty low at the moment i hope you get through it…
Thank you very much for getting to me. and thank you for not laughing off the things i have written about really. It is the first time ever I actually feel that someone heard me.. and that someone turned out to be not a ‘friend’, but right now, you are closer to me than them. This is somewhere I hope I can get the help, because I am tired, tired of wanting to get through this. Sometimes, you just give up..
your not alone…… means that wer nor alone…
lol my bday was yesterday. probably u can see that u are not alone here.
i had a 6 year relationship and the i can tell u that a person that close to u should notice that something is deeply wrong with u. time doesnt mean evertything and imho and experiencia i can tell u that if he is clueless on whats wrong about u then he isnt meant for u. im NOT saying he should be a bad guy or whatever, just saying that he may not be the right guy for u.
anyway, if u want to talk im up for it, account is ‘cetd’ in hotmail.
this is my first post here so probably in the next few days ill be posting my story 🙂
hello dtec..belated birthday wishes to you. I appreciate everything you have said and yes, he is not the bad guy, just careless when it comes to me and my mood swings. I understand it is hard to deal with and with times, everyone gets fed up.
I would love to talk with you, though I did not quite get your e-mail address. Looking forward to hear from you.
Hello Ghost. Thank you for the bday wishes, a bit ironic isn’t it? lol
Actually I mailed you but yesterday my email was blocked, I am not joking, seems someone was using it to send spam so I am trying to fix it. I do have anoter mail: cetoledo@gmail.com
In my last reply, I types my mail without the @ because there are bots who track forums searching for email addresses to send spam. Not sure why I care about that but it may mean something lol
Sorry, ignore the last mail link. This is the correct one: cetoledod@gmail.com