class just ended and i am trying to get myself together. Â I don’t know if anyone even reads this but it feels good to be writing to someone other than myself all the time. Â i am so confused and so lost as to why I feel the way I do. Â it’s been ten years since i’ve been suicidal and for some reason i can’t get it out of my head and my body wants it but I don’t but I can’t stop it no matter what i do. Â i feel like it is inevitable that it will get the better of me. Â what am i supposed to do? Â fight my whole damn life? Â will i ever get a moment’s rest? Â i am so tired inside and out no matter how much i sleep because i am fighting so hard all the time. Â i just want it to end.
please someone talk to me
15 comments
What would happen if you let go, and didn’t fight yourself? That’s one of the toughest things for all of us. Cause what might happen?….to surrender means to dive in to your life and see where things go. Take an experimental attitude, without it having to be a certain way.
Most important thing for anyone is that they ‘feel good’. So just make a choice to feel good. Imagine you feel good. Being unrealistic is the way. We’re so caught up in things having to fit a certain way and it’s interesting things often don’t line up that way.
Most important thing is that you step up within yourself and MAKE A DECISION. It’s a very freeing thing to do because you’ve decided how things are going to be and not allow yourself to be tossed about by your own mind. Hope this helps.
I’d start with the mantra, ‘nothing is more important than, that I feel good’ and have fun with it….it’s not biggie. Society project a mold we’re supposed to fit and in the process we beat ourselves up trying to fit it…lol, it’s nuts. Blaze your own trail, you can’t get it wrong. You don’t have to accomplish anything, just choose to feel good, and you will know what to do next if anything. It’s all good. Take care.
if I let go I die. Or possibly die in the last case. I fought and fought for twelve hours straight not to swallow the pills I was so strongly impulsed to take, that I couldn’t control putting in my mouth. The next time that happened I let myself go and I overdosed. I can’t let go or there is no more life. And the thing that scares me is that I am going to die, want to or not. I have times when i want to and times when i don’t, which is typically normal, but my whole body is forcing me to die and i can’t stop it.
Do you feel better around people. If family are close by it might limit the opportunity to hurt yourself. When you feel really low, use your experience and grind it out.
It does help some, which is why i’ve been branching out as much as possible, reaching out to friends from a long time about and reconnecting, living at home instead of on campus in my single. Trying to do things like that. But the moment i’m alone my mind takes over and i am shaking and twitching and holding myself so i don’t get up and go downstairs to a knife. the way i’m talking it sounds like i need 24 hour care, i know that, and I know that’s in the hospital, i know because i’ve been 5 times. but i absolutely can’t mess up my life right now, i have a job and a place at a good college. and look at the irony there, i can’t stop myself from wanting to die and yet i love there my life is. it’s like i’m two people trying to share one body and constantly butting heads. i don’t know what to do with myself
Doesn’t colleqe life make the pain qo away?It’s colleqe!I don’t know I never been to colleqe:/
College definitely does NOT make the pain go away. I love learning and I love the environment and I love college, I do. But it’s not an escape from suicidal tendencies. It is stressful and independent and hard. When I am in my singly my OCD takes over and its lucky if i get through the night
Well do you live In dorms?Wait so colleqe Isen’t what you hear about It?Dont you have medication for yur OCD?
Yes I live in a dormitory. Every college is different. And everyone’s experience is different. But it isn’t just a bundle of fun, it’s a lot of hard work, unless you don’t care about your grades and just wanna have fun. It’s all on you to make what you want of it. I do have medications, 5 of them.
i was on here for help. i don’t care about taking them every day. i care about the fact that i can’t control my body from committing suicide. i try to physically stop myself and i can’t. i’m trying to reach out because i am desperate and lost. college is hard, you wouldn’t understand unless you’d been, but that isn’t why i am having a problem. i can handle college. i am having a problem because i am dying.
sparkeyes, I’ve been to college and I understand it’s no walk in the park. Are there certain situations which repeatedly cause you stress? Living in a single can be good in a lot of ways… but it also lets you isolate yourself. When things get rough, that isolation can work against you. Are there friends you can study with, activities you can join, and other things you can do? Is there someone you can confide in? I had a ton of the usual college problems… and also had enough problems that weren’t the usual variety. Keeping them to myself, as much as I wanted to, resulted in some tough times.
Sparkeyes
I am 27 and have 2 degrees so I know about the pressure of study. I had a rough patch and would leave my coursework to the last minute. In the past I had a reputation for doing absolutely no work all year and just turning up on the day of the exam and producing high quality work. As my depression got worse it became more difficult for me to do that. I still got through it all in the end. I told my lecturers on several occasions that there was a serious problem here. They told me to speak to the university councillor. I never did, im a complex machine and I don’t need an idiot to ask me stupid questions about my home life, social life and all sorts of crap. I always knew what the problem was.
Anyway, don’t put undue pressure on yourself to perform. Stay in regular phone contact with your family. Take a walk down to the student bar.
Normally when things go wrong your standard of work is the first to suffer and as that has not happened things might not be as bad as you think.
Hello Sparkeyes,
If I was a betting woman…and I am…transitioning to college has caused you to rethink your life yet again…yes? And it is obvious that you suffer from PTSD…which covers all of your other diagnosis as well…and I refer to as the Human Condition. And if I had to make an actual diagnosis for you…Spiritual Crisis….know anything about it?…and no I am not a Xtian…lmao
I have been diagnosed with more PDD’s and neurosis than you can shake a stick at…but the one that drives them all….the anxiety…yep…it even causes the subsequent depressions….so I just had to figure out what I was afraid of. I wasn’t particularly afraid of death…and neither are you if you are suicidal…what I was afraid of was ME and LIFE…Spiritual Crisis….check out the symptoms online…you’ll be amazed…what do you have to lose? I dragged my feet and finally made myself so sick that I flunked out of university…and I was getting high 80’s and low 90’s…until the anxiety started up….and then the depression and the brain fog…and the…well…google it…and if you do? let me know what you think?
Namaste
Amakua
I understand were your cominq from.Yesterday I was cuttinq and It qot to the point were It just wasent helpinq me so I was qonna take the ***** way out and swallow all of my medication(no offense If you or anyone that Is readinq this choose pills as there death)Instead of a manly way like cuttinq my head of with a chainsaw or stabinq myself multipal times or jumpinq Into a field of needles,yeah I qave this alot of thouqht.If you think about It there a thousand ways to die(like the show lol)but I’m (tryinq)to stave alive for a friend.Do you have someone to live for?
I do have people to live for. Quite a few. But i just have to find a way to hang on for them. It’s really hard because I keep getting impulses to kill myself.
I qet them everday to:/You don’t have any hobbies?