Major Manic Depressive Problems

Well…..I never thought I would ever think of suicide. As a child I always feared my little brother would suicide because he had anxiety problems and was bullied. He barfed every single day before school when he was in grade 1, but his therapist helped him and now he’s a popular 16 year old with an on again off again suicidal girlfriend (is that irony? I don’t know). But back to me because I am so selfish, I have loving parents and family as well as supportive loving friends. I have no right to depressed like this when there are so many other people in this world with problems far greater than mine, but my depression has started to interfere with my life and I am struggling to fix it myself.

I have always been a different type of person, in elementary and junior high school I always preferred to be alone. During recess I would just walk around silently listening to the other kids play in the distance or the wind and look at the sky. Living on the prairies has offered me this one great solace; the absolute freedom of the sky that stretches, unlimited, in all directions. As a child I would always look either at the sky or at the ground never into anyone’s eyes, I feared judgement. I was bullied by a few kids, all boys which is surprising usually girls are worse for that kind of thing. I was a chubby child and a tomboy, my brothers always wrestled with me and we explored a lot. But two girls found me and became my friends in grade 5, one of which has been my friend for all the years since and understands me completely. It is almost scary when someone knows what you are thinking without having to ask you anything. But although I had made these friends my innate need to be alone still flourished in junior high I would eat my lunch outside when there wasn’t a chance of getting frostbite.

High school opened me up. I made a small group of friends that I am currently really tight with. My silence slowly dissipated and I developed some conversational skills. I was in the “smart” class or whatever so I graduated with good marks and some university courses already completed. High school was okay but once I got to University I finally felt at home.

I was able to hang out with my friends daily and keep up with studies and life was pretty good for the first year, but this year……

I don’t know why but as soon as 2012 came along I felt empty, like there was something missing.
I want to run away from University and my family and friends. I just want to leave and escape to the forest.
I don’t know if its just in my nature to want to be alone or if there are problems in my life that I am afraid to face.

Instead of running I tried something new; I tried online dating. I had never before even so much as looked at a guy, but I felt like I needed a change. My marks started falling as talking to guys took up more and more of my time. One guy named Josh liked camming so I stripped for him once just my shirt, not naked. The next day I barfed and almost fainted when I was at school the next day. My body revolted against what I had done and my heartbeat would not slow down. Every morning for that weak I would wake up heart racing and not be able to eat all day. I lost ten pounds making me weigh the same as I did in grade 4. Then I met Giles, a smooth-talker who had just broken up with an old girlfriend. He introduced me to this thing called “friends with benefits”. The idea intrigued me as I lack the ability to form relationships easily and I wanted to push myself. I wanted to try something new and just jump into it right away. My friends of course were flabbergasted and then hated the idea, but Giles continued to convince me.

So I gave everything to him; my attention, my body, my first kiss, my virginity. I do not know what I hoped to achieve by this, I think I just wanted to break my soul, push myself far enough away from my old self to reach some sort of understanding and fill the void that had somehow been created. But instead the day after we talked some more and he told me that what we were doing was meaningless and him saying that hurt me. Even though I had gone into the whole thing knowing it was only for fun. I was so naive to think that I would not become attached. That night I had my first thoughts about suicide, the depression was just so much, it hurt so bad. But then the next day I talked to him some more and it felt like everything was back to the way it was like before.

Last night he was supposed to call me when he was done at the bar so we could hang out. Instead he took some ecstasy and blacked out. One good thing that came of this is I do not have any attachment to him now whatsoever, but I still want the sex. I have never been addicted to anything before, I have never taken drugs, but I know I am addicted to his body. I feel great during the day and then during the night my body plunges. I know I should talk to a therapist but I just could never bring myself to.

Just writing all of this into words has helped me a lot, I feel so much better.
If you have any advice on what I should do with Giles that would help a lot, he has me trapped and he knows it.
But I have not felt suicidal other than that one time the night after I lost my virginity, although I usually feel like I am not part of body a lot of the time. I have never cut myself and I never will, but sometimes I feel like I am losing touch with my limbs and face.