My note
I made a stupid decision.  I know it’s selfish, and I’m doing it for the stupidest reason.  I can’t help how I feel.  I have felt like this for a long time.  If you want to know why, Jackie has the full story.  She knows me better than anyone else.
To my mom and dad
I love both of you very much.  You were amazing parents.  I loved going to disney world.  I loved going to mexico.  I loved going on bike rides with you dad.  I grew distant from both of you, and i don’t entirely know why.  Over the past few years, I’ve been extremely mean to you.  And while you didn’t think I cared, it felt like my heart was bleeding during all of those arguments we had.  I just wasn’t able to show I cared.  I’m sorry for all the mean things I said.  I never meant any of them.  You are both good parents.  It was me who was the problem.  I’m crying as I write this, because I can only imagine how devastated you two will feel when I’m gone.  I feel so bad, and I hate myself.  I’m truly sorry, for being a terrible son to both of you.
This note would be longer, but I’m out of time. Â
230 comments
Mark, if that’s your name.. You can’t do this if your doing what i believe you are.. l:
Hi mark. i’m so sorry.:( that’s all I can say. I wish there was something that I could say to change you’re mind. I wish you the best and I know we all do. if there is even a chance that you might change you mind please-please-listen to it,you don’t know what tomorrow could bring.we are all here for you. i’m so sorry your in so much pain.
Man… It just sounds like… So unresolved…
I’m agreeing with one_day…
Come on mark… :/ No more shots are left within you?
Don’t tell me you’re lettin’ Jackie and this other guy take you down… say that isn’t so bro.
We’re here for you…
I’ve already sent the email. She has two choices. If she calls the police, they will do what they do with all suicidal people, put them into involuntary commitment at a mental facility. I’d rather die than go to one of those places again like I did last year. Or she can call me and talk to me.
She’s going to choose to call the police. And then I’m going to kill myself.
Omg u didnt!!! Dot ever think u can emotionally blackmail someone with Suicide she is just gonna hate u more. Chances r she won’t get the email anyway she’s prob blocked yr mail.
Can u tell me what’s so special about this girl so much that yve decided she’s the only thong worth going onfor?
mark…i mean in the nicest possible way but,i have to say it. can you imagine how that would feel to be her? if you love her-why are putting her through this?
It’s telling me here that she opened it about 5 minutes ago. If she hates me more, so be it. I don’t want to live.
@ellachristina
why did she put me through this? I need her help
i feel really scared and shaky
but your love for her isn’t about you. it’s about her. loving someone means you want what is best for them,it’s not about what you want. i hope it turns out okay. but you should be putting her needs and wants first. can you do that?
Hey mark.
I’m really sad to be reading this. You seem like a good guy. I think I can relate to how it feels when you’ve lost the one. It’s the worst feeling there is. And it just goes on and on.
But seriously, don’t do this. Others will love you. Whether you want it or not.
Take care
we’re here with you. i hope it turns out okay. you don’t have to say-but what did you say to her?
@ellachrstina
I feel beyond devastated. I feel like crying. You abandoned me, and i miss you. I need you so badly. But you’re never here to comfort me. You left me to die. I tried contacting you two weeks ago, I just wanted to talk, and you reported me to the police again. Im going to make a decision based off of your decision now. If you call the police, I will be dead by tonight or tomorrow. Im scared you’re going to choose to call the police anyways. I don’t know if you think I’m bluffing or not, if you call the police you will find out. I would just beg you not to call the police, because I will die if you do. I’m not going back to a mental hospital, they don’t help people. They hurt people. I dont’ seek out help, because “help” means being locked up in a mental facility. I’d rather die. The second option, is the same one I proposed two weeks ago. I just want to hear your voice and talk to you. I need you. I’ll be available on skype or by regular phone call. I don’t expect you to call, I expect you to call the police. I want to be wrong so badly, because if im right and you do call the police, i’m going to start crying. Because i’ll be moments away from death. Regardless of whichever choice you make, i still love you to this day, even if you don’t care about me. I wish I had at least had the opportunity to meet you, just once.
And in case this is being monitored by your parents I had something to say to you Mr and Mrs Ward. You seemed to think I posed a significant threat to your daughter, but the honest answer is I never posed a threat to your daughter. I loved your daughter very much, she was a truly special person to me. I would never hurt her, certainly not physically hurt her. I doubt you believe me, but if you really want me, the threat, permanently eliminated, just call the police. I will take care of the rest.
How do u know she opened the mail? U tap her computer? Dude that is a serious disrespect of privacy. This is what I mean when I say be the nice guy. U have all the makings of a nice guy, EXCEPT the ability to respect this woman. Maybe if u respected her more u might have had a shot with her.
SHE didn’t put u through anything. This is all on your head. There no reason to b scared theres no pressure to do anything.
I’m listenin gto a police scanner. The police won’t be able to catch me. As soon as I hear them shout my address, name, etc, I’m done.
@one day
there are email services that tell you when the recipient opened the email.
Dude, if my parents got that email they’d b terrified. Would you keep an animal In a cage, clip it’s wings, break it’s legs, blind it so it can run away, just so it can be yours? In it’s heart, it will never be yours because you never understood the true nature of the animal is to be free. Do you understand? You never understood the animals true nature how could you propose to love it?
Why don’t you want to get some help? you seem so so nice.but this poor girl-what you are putting her through right now is not love. i don’t think you mean it to be hurtful,i really don’t. but i think it’s an obsession. i don’t mean to be hurtful when i say that either. i just think you need to talk to someone.your not a bad guy. but wouldn’t you be worried about your daughter if a guy threatened to kill himself if she didn’t talk to him anymore? i don’t think you are a bad person-i think you are a good person. but no matter how you look at this-this is not a healthy situation.
I believe I love Jackie. If you think I don’t, that’s fine.
Really? Shit. And… Is it legal to have a police scanner?
Look mark whatever u want to so is yr own decision. Just please please please stop hurting the girl. Haven’t u put her through enouh?
@ellechristina
Then it’s obsession. I don’t deserve to live anyways.
It’s legal to use a police scanner.
you are blackmailing her,do you realize that?
Mark; If one of your brothers was going through what you’re going through right now what would you say to him?
you do deserve to live!! people can help okay? you are 19 years old,there is so much ahead. please don’t give up. i believe you when you say that you believe you love Jackie,and that you would never hurt her. if you kill yourself she will be scarred for life by this. please think of her-if you really believe you don’t deserve to live-and please get some help,if not for yourself,than for her and your family.
2 very important questions:
Why don’t u think u deserve to live?
Why must u put your fate in the hands of others?
There’s another question but it’s not really important I’m just curious. What method did u chose?
I’m sorry the health system let u down.
mark,are you still there? I’m freaking out here,please reply! please don’t do this!
Please dont go. Please.
@mark those who don’t learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them.
@Ella please calm down. There no sense freaking out until we know what happened, right? Don’t put yourself through this
@one day
I’m jumping off a parking garage, 85 feet according to google maps. onto concrete.
@one_day. okay…i’m sorry.I just can’t believe this,i feel really helpless. I just wish someone would help the guy.
I’m ruinned. I tried calling her house, her dad answered, he called me a ************, asked how i got his house number. I told him i got it online. he hung up. he read the emails. he knows what i’m going to do. he doesn’t care. jackie doesn’t care. it’s over
I’m shaking so bad, and i’m crying. i’m terrified. i don’t wnat to jump. looking down freaks me out. i have to, or i risk legal action against me, and i’m definitely going to go back to one of those mental hospitals if they catch me. i can’t let them catch me.
where are your parents??
please please don’t jump,there are people who love you!!
my parents are at home. i’m a few miles away.
@mark that is so messy… And I heard about an incident when the jumper landed on a poor pedestrian and they both died. Urgh too awful. But u didn’t answer my other questions the important ones.
@ella no need to apologize. But u have to understand that no one is capable of helping anyone else. People have to help themselves, you can support them through that process but that is all you can do. The sooner you realize that the more useful you will be. I hate to see you beat yourself up over events out of your control and jurisdiction
I don’t deserve to live because i have emotional problems. major ones. ones that cause me to do things like im about to do.
If you don’t die from the fall you could end up paralyzed. A fate worse than death.
i’m driving to the parking garage now.
mark…please! please don’t-i don’t even know you and I care okay? i don’t want you to die! this can all be fixed,it will be okay. can you call our parents? please,tell them you want help. we all care about you.
holy fuck. they’re talking about me on the scanner. theyre coming after me.
my heart is pounding, im freaking out
please don’t do this,please please just give it one more day,please ask for help. your family loves you.it’ll be okay
please? listen to me. they can help you.you DESERVE to live. you aren’t a bad person-this isn’t our fault. the can help you. please don’t do this.where are you? please call our parents!
*this isn’t your fault
you can recover from this,and you can help so many other people. your life has value.
Mark.. We all have emotional problems that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to live. The whole point of life is to work those problems out, so we don’t do the same mistakes over and over again, and pass those mistakes to our kids, and infect our loved ones with them.
What about my other question? I know it’s a hard onebut u really should take tome to think it through well. It will help you understand some things.
@Lucy has a good point. Can u imagine winding up a vegetable? Urgh
Mark it’s ok. The police won find u for a while. You have a bit of time. You need to calm down and think for a bit and answer my question
i agree with one_day. please let them help you. don’t jump.
mark800101, you need to stop and think for a second. this is serious. death is permanent. you can make it through this mess youre in, just please take a moment and breathe. you said you liked the trip to disneyland? think about that. think about mexico. think about anything good thats happened in the past. im begging you not to do this. i have no idea how youre feeling or what youre thinking, but you cant. if you just let us help you, we can all get through together. giving up is not the answer. it means youre a coward. you got yourself into this mess, push through and get the hell out of it. DO NOT JUMP. youre driving to the parking garage right now? turn around and go home. talk to your parents and make this better. please.
im so scared of the police catching me and putting me in the mental hospital. i don’t want to go back
im sorry my responses are sporadic. im driving, and i can’t type and drive at the same time.
i don’t want them to catch me. i need to hide first.
i pulled the battery from my phone. they can’t track me now, if they resort to cell phone tracking.
what was it like there? why was it so bad? what happened? you never told us anything about what it was like. if you willingly get help,it will be so much better. your not alone either. we are all here. i want to see you get through this.
it’s okay,we’re just scared for you. you matter. please believe that. ou deserve to live and get better. there is life after this.
Good mark that means you’re safe. Now think. You don’t believe in god. You don’t believe in any higher power. But you still don’t want to take responsibility for your life. Is it possible that you actually kind of want to believe you’re not in control of your destiny?
this can get better. you can get better. you are a good kind person and you can make such a difference in the world. i’ve seen our comments and you try to help people.the world will be losing a light if you go through with this. everybody messes up,we all make mistakes,but you can come back from this.people care about you and want to help you get better.
mark. don’t do it. please. we all care for you. i for one would be devastated if you chose to end your life. even though you don’t believe, i will be praying for you. (not trying to preach at all. i promise)
they’re looking for silver neon’s. i can hear them. theyre pulling people over they’re saying.
that’s my car by the way.
mark-why don’t you want to get help? you are worth it-you deserve to live. please try.
oh my god. they’re going to places that i used to work at now.
Fine. If yr gonna keep ignoring the bigger picture I’m out. Check in later let us know how it goes
you are a kind person.
mark-running won’t help,will it?
please let them help you.i know you are afraid,but it’ll turn out okay. i’m not going anywhere,k? babypanda is here too.
why are you afraid of the hospital?
yeah. i am here. but only for another hour or so until i sleep. not that i’m trying to get out. i want to help. parents have bedtimes, though, and i leave at 8 in the morn for indy. so yeah. PLEASE DON”T DO IT!!!!!!
my mind is racing. i’m freaking out. it’s hard to respond to all the comments. i feel like im out of time
i don’t want to go to jail, and i don’t want to go to the hospital. the hospital was a scarring experience. i was alone there. not just alone, but i was also a prisoner.
whats happening now?
where are you?
right now? the police are looking for me. they’re pulling over make and models of my car. they’re going to former places of my employment. they’ve been to my house. all of this is on the police scanner.
im hidden from police. i dont know if any of you could possibly be cooperating with law enforcement in any way, but im not giving away my location.
but where are YOU?
dude. please. don’t. please. you impact others, whether you realize it or not. they are searching for you because they care, because your family cares.
ah no I have a personal grudge against them way deep down
But mark, you put yourself inthis situation. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can see that you have the capacity to get yourself out.
@Ella an panda lay off the comments. Poor boys getting overwhelmed and yr gettin a tad repetitive
I believe they will help you. please? dying isn’t the answer.what are you going to do? how are you feeling?
urgh my dad keeps bothering me to do my chores. I’m gonna try and do em quick so don’t do anything while I’m gone!
i don’t want them to “help” me. “help” to them is locking someone up in a mental institution. and i at risk of legal charges for continuing to contact jackie. they hate me. all of them, even jackie. they want to file charges against me for harassment and put me in jail. i don’t want to go to jail, and i don’t want to go to a mental hospital.
you said you were struggling with emotional problems,isn’t there something they can do to help you recover? i have a friend who is bipolar and she found the right medication and now she is doing great.
i don’t think so. the only person capable of helping me is jackie. and she chose to turn me over to the police.
Mark u are absolutely right. No one can help you except yourself. Not me or ella or panda or anyone. Only you. But first you have to open your eyes. Do you see that it was your actions that lead you here? When u finally recognize that, maybe you can work out a way to get out of this situation. You’ve relied on other people for far too long
i know it was my fault for putting myself in the position im currently in. The way “out” is to turn myself in to the police so i can either be legally prosecuted, or put in a mental facility, or both.
I’m not going to do that though. I’m not being prosecuted, and i’m not going to a mental hospital.
OK I’m back went as fast as I could. or you could try and go to Canada. thats always an option. btw I’ve been wondering this, but what exactly did you do to this Jackie?
you got out though. can you tell me why the hospital was so bad? because you are alone? isn’t there some way to communicate with family?
they don’t let you see really anybody at all.
I sent her an email, asking to speak to her. i told her if she calls the police im killing myself.
no but before that. for her entire family to hate you?
and perhaps she called the police because she DIDN’T want to have you die, but COULDN’T talk to you? just a thought….
i agree with emotionless. she’s probably really really scared
@emotionless running away from the police is a terrible idea. Mark needs to accept the consequences of what he did
@mark yr missing the point of it all. The way out is not just to go to the police. The way out is to reform. Understand WHY u went wrong, so u don’t do it again. Hospital is not meant to be a prison, it’s meant to help you learn yr lesson. It didnt help the dirt time because u were trying and didn’t let them help you. U gotta open up and understand yr problems befor u can overcome them
I did get out, after 3 weeks. the hospital was bad because the place was mind numbing. all you can do is roam the halls, back and forth, the long L shaped hallway. there’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. the food was bad. most of the people in there were deranged, and a lot of them were physically violent. not with me, but to other people. i stayed quiet and out of the way. there were a few old movies to watch on this little tv, there was cable tv, and they’d rarely change the channel to anything other than 70s sitcoms. we shared a room with another person, the beds were uncomfortable. there is nothing to do in the whole place. i walked down the halls so much. there was no one there to talk to. i was all alone, mentally. if you talk to the staff about why you’re sad, they keep you there even longer. which makes you not want to talk to the staff. the doctors were condescending and spoke to me as if i were a child. you’re forced against your will to take medication that you don’t want to take. you have no power in saying whether you take or don’t take medication. you WILL take medication, and you can suggest to the doctor “hey, can i change my medication to something else”, and he doesn’t have to listen to you. he can make you take whatever he wants. some law allows him to do that. its not fair.
me too. i mean, you are older than her and above the legal age of 18, so the parents are probably a bit worried just because of your age difference.
@emotionless
then why didn’t she just call the police, and call me, and attempt to talk to me and calm me down to make sure i didn’t kill myself? she didn’t do that, because she doesn’t care whether i live or die. she called the police to cover herself.
do you have internet access? we could talk to you.i understand how hard it be to be lonely and trapped there. can you write letters to family? do they counsel you at all? why did they let you out? you must have made progress,they thought you were well again.
Ah! You could reform and then totally give up on girls. thats just what I would do though. you obviously don’t have to…..
OI!!!! ARE YOU STILL THERE?!!!!
Amen brother
the age difference means nothing. jackie’s boyfriend is about to be 21 years old, she’s 17.
if i were her i don’t think i would have called-not because i wouldn’t care-but because it was blackmail. she can’t help you if she plays into this and lets you manipulate her.
they don’t allow any internet access in the hospital.
she isn’t equipt to help,she might be scared she would make it worse.
welll then i stand corrected.
ah and my thoughts on the whole not calling you thing is that she’s stupid because she was prob freakin out.
and she is probably really afraid.
Erm scratch that. I was too slow in commenting. But I agree. Mental hospital can suck.
yup. and don’t be offended by me cuz I’m a hater sorry
i’m stalling right now.
ah damn it you guys comment too fast and I cant c my keyboard
THANK YOU FOR STALLING!!!!!
btw you are nice to converse with.
please don’t do this,i know you don’t know us but i would be completely devastated if you did,and i know your family will too. maybe you are stalling because you know that dying isn’t the answer?it isn’t..
we’re all friends here. we help each other get through this stuff. you can talk to us,you aren’t alone.
ya know…I feel like trying to make you feel totally horrible about wanting to kill yourself. Prob cuz i wanna cry and if you DID kill yourself I would break stop my efforts to not cut.
@emotionlessandlost
why do you say im nice to talk to?
@ellachristina
I’m stalling because im afraid. it’s scary, what i’m about to do.
we care about you.
@emotionless, Ella and panda, please stop talking about Jackie and speculating about how she feels. She has nothing to do with the situation. This is all about mark. Jackie is a red herring. In fact it would be kind of helpful if u just jumped off this threa altogether. I don’t think u understand the situation and I think u r making it worse and putting dumb ideas in marks head
@mark that hospital sounds pretty sad. But u can suggest to go to therapy with a proper psych, not just a doctor. It’s a huge difference
Which would suck since it’s only been like a week. And I’m pretty sure all of us on here following this would go into a period of depression that would last a while. Just sayin~
does it matter that we care? i like talking to you because you are kind. i can tell that you are a good person,and I know you are smart. you are going through a terrible thing,but it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Mark I say that you’re nice to talk to because I’m actually talking to you. I really don’t talk to people that often and I think you’re nice. Especially since you aren’t telling me to shut up and go away. 🙂
there’s still the issue of legal prosecution for harassing jackie. i don’t want to face jail time for that.
jackie’s parents seem to think im a bad person. they think im a psychotic internet predator intent on physically attacking their daughter. they consider me a threat. they think im dangerous. and even when im about to die, they don’t care. none of them care. they take the easy way out and turn it over to the authorities so they don’t have to deal with me.
Hey~~~ you should tell us all your favorite things!!!
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT!!! SO WHAT IF THEY DON’T CARE!!!??? THERE’S MORE OF US ON HERE WHO CARE THAN THERE IS THEM!!!! So please don’t do anything stupid, ok? :'(
@ellachristina
it does matter. it’s just not enough to change my mind. i don’t know any of you. i’ve only known most of you for a week or two at most.
@emotionlessandlost
thank you. i wouldn’t tell anyone to shut up and leave. i’m just scared to take the final step right now, so i’m waiting. for what…i don’t know. if i see the police, that would push me over the edge to end it. i would panic, and just do it. and i’d be gone.
@emotionlessandlost
it matters deeply to me if jackie cares. and she doesn’t care. if i see the police, i will have to end it immediately or they’ll prosecute me and put me in a mental facility. i don’t have time to list my favorite things.
I haven’t heard them discuss anything related to me on the police scanner yet.
Mark. There’s a reason why hackles parents don’t like you. You have to recognize everyone opinions and think about WhY they thin that way. Then you can learn to be a better person
why don’t you just run away, become anonymous, forget your past and live a new life somewhere?
they think im dangerous simply because they’ve never met me and i’m an internet friend. When i offered to come up there and meet them, she said “well that still wouldn’t matter. i just don’t want you near my daughter”. They don’t have a legitimate reason. Their desire is simply “stay away from my daughter for no reason”. Even if i were to physically meet them in person and let them get to know me, they still don’t want me near their daughter. but they’re okay with letting her have a boyfriend who’s almost 21.
Well if you’re so scared, don’t do it. When you die, there isn’t any going back. You disappear from this world, you lose all your happy memories, and dreams, and ideas. You lose everything. Do you really want that? Honestly it’s much better to live with the consequences of what you did than to die and lose everything. Because once you get through those consequences, you will have changed, and perhaps will want to do something better with your life. If you really have to, you could move to another state or city, in order to leave behind most of your past and make a fresh start. No matter there will always be consequences of the things you do. Even suicide is a consequence, worse than being arrested.
i know you don’t know us and we don’t know you. but please-if you die,we’ll never get to know you.
btw a lot of parents react to things in stupid ways.
I’m not a person worth anyone’s time to get to know.
@ellachristina
Exactly.
i don’t believe that.
I was only able to last 1 year and 3 months of this shit.
of what? what happened?
the day severe depression began, and never ended.
Mark. I want to know you. Everybody is worth knowing, because otherwise you don’t learn anything. We learn more through our experiences with people and knowledge about them than we do in class or business. Because people are what makes those classes and such function. Getting to know someone is one of the basic rules of thumb for us humans. We are curious and have the urge and need to know people. No matter who they are, or what they think they are or aren’t worth.
Sorry if that doesn’t make much sense…..
I want to know you too. i want to help you. I can see that you are a good person,whether you can see it too or not. i had an eating disorder for years and i was so depressed.i thought i would never get better,but i am. you can overcome this too. if i can do it,so can you. i know you can.
@emotionless
But Jackie doesn’t want to know me. She wants me to disappear. She wants nothing to do with me. She doesn’t want me in her life. To her, there is no difference between me being alive or dead. Either way, I can never speak to her. She is the person that means the most to me, and that person appears to hate me and wants nothing to do with me.
I want jackie to come back. I want her to talk to me again. I want to go back to what me and her had. she left me though.
Ah and please take like 20 steps back from the edge. Cuz I’m seeing in my minds eye a figure standing at the edge of the top of a building, and if you fall I will see that figure fall and land on the ground. So it’s like I can see you right now about to fall. Even though I’m really far away and have never met you til now. Please don’t do it, cuz I think I’ll also feel as though I too am jumping.
Jackie isn’t the only person in this world. It isn’t worth it to throw your life away for some girl who doesn’t care. We here are also people in this world, and we WOULD scratch that DO CARE if you do it. So don’t.
@emotionlessandlost
I imagine falling to feel the same way as you fall in a dream. You experience the sensation of falling, and when you hit the ground you jolt yourself awake.
Seriously though, you need to realize she’s not worth it. She called the police after all, when you specifically told her you would kill yourself if she did. I mean, Is that REALLY someone that’s worth dying for, or even LIVING for?
i know she’s not the only girl in the world. but she is what matters most to me. and when that person completely disappears, then reports me to the police, it’s devastating. the person you care so deeply about, rejects you in the most hurtful way. She didn’t just disappear and not speak to me, she filed a harassment report against me.
Ah no I’ve fallin in dreams off of buildings and hit the ground and felt excruciating pain and then woke up a full hour later when I’m either dead or in the hospital in the dream.
what was your life like before you new her? can you remember? do remember being happy,like with your parents and other friends? you talked about mexico,and disney land. can you tell me anything else that has been happy in your life,that doesn’t involve Jackie? i think you need to realize how valuable you are,and how valuable your life is.
it’s worth dying for if you have nothing left. and i hav enothing left. all i have are my worthless gadgets. my droid 2, droid 3, cr 48 laptop, and my car.
Then convince yourself that she DOESN’T matter the most to you. I mean seriously. Why is it that the person who DOESN’T CARE matters, but the PEOPLE WHO DO CARE don’t matter? ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE’S MORE WHO CARE?? Dude shit like this happens. You just have to get over it. When a girl says no, that means no. Even if they say it in a really cruel way.
what are we?chopped liver? 😛 and what about your family? there are people out there that are waiting for you too,and so many great experiences.
@ellechristina
before i met her, my life was that of a child’s. i didn’t know what mattered. i was interested in video games, and other stupid things. I had a few friends at school, but i never hung out with them anywhere else. i was 16. i cared about unimportant things. trivial child like things, now that i look back on it. i had never experienced a true friendship until i met jackie. every single other relationship, with the exception of my family, pales in comparison to the one i shared with jackie. i value jackie more than my family, which shouldn’t be true, but my family still holds great value to me.
jackie was my only source of true happiness. everything else was just excitement, or entertainment, or just funny. nothing else made me happy, except her. she made me feel special. i cared so much about her. i still do
@emotionlessandlost
it’s just the way i experienced dreams where im falling. i feel like the police will be here any moment. they haven’t shown up yet. they haven’t spoken of me in a while.
You have US left. and maybe you can take those things apart and make a new gadget? I do that all the time, but sometimes it just explodes lol 😀
btw right now the internet is sucking.
and I have two comments ‘awaiting moderation’
my comments are awaiting moderation for some reason….
it keeps doing that,idk what’s wrong.
well I guess we’ll all just have to wait then. 😀
k.:) 4 minutes…
maybe they are doing maintenance?
it says in comments that there is a server problem?
i seriously hope you’re okay mark. you’re a nice guy and you don’t deserve to die. please don’t jump ;(
i heard where they’re located. in their search for me. they’re far away.
mark,are you okay?
Dude just go back down -the safe way- and just go back home.
i agree with emotionless. please just get help. the police can help you. you can sort this out.
A certain amount of relief comes with being caught. Because it makes sure you won’t do it again for at least some time.
@emotionlessandlost
but jackie’s family is going to prosecute me for harassment. and, i will also be forced to go to a mental hospital. i can’t go to either of those places, jail or the hospital.
And you won’t feel sick about doing something stupid. You’ll instead feel sick with relief knowing you’re doing something right.
@emotionlessnadlost
I’ll feel sick either way, turning myself in just dooms me to being legally prosecuted, or placed in a mental facility. Try to imagine how huge that is. Imagine it were happening to you. Do YOU want to go to either of those places? How long will you be there? those are the thoughts going through my mind. i dont know if youve ever been to the mental hospital, but I have been there, and it’s just bad. i won’t go back.
Dude, you aren’t going to get a super horrible court order. Because as far as I can tell, you didn’t really do anything drastic. So you have defense.
And I’ve BEEN to both places, but for different reasons. And I’m only 16.
I think I heard sirens. im scared. not like ambulance. like a cop car just flared them up for a second, then turned them off. im looking around
Do you KNOW how much shit has gone on it my life? No. And none of it happened because of an obsession with some girl.(or guy for that matter)
Dude just go home.
i don’t know what’s gone in your life. and i already acknowledged that im doing this for a stupid reason. i can’t help it. i can’t go home.
Mark you did all of this. And u knew the consequences. Don’t u think there’s some part of you that wants to be a better person?
JUST GO HOME DAMNIT!!! and now I’m getting angry~…great. Just~ great. And you can totally help it.
where are you?? don’t do itt please don’t!!
I agree with one_day
@oneday
I know i caused it all. i can’t be a better person. jackie hates me.
@emotionless
i can’t go home. they’ll send me to the hospital, and then possibly prosecute me for harassment and ill go to jail too.
@ready2die
i won’t say where i am. i dont know if anyone will report it to the authorities.
Whatever I’m leaving this. It doesn’t matter if someone knows where you are though and report it. You’ll be found no matter what. Ciao.
Everyone can be a better person. I can see yr punishing yrself but that will get u nowhere. I wonder where this self hatred comes from?
Look it’s the hardest think in the world to admit you made a mistake but that’s where it all starts. Don’t you want to get the ball rolling? You deserve forgiveness but u gotta make the first step. Say you’re sorry.
@emotionless
I don’t blame you for leaving.
@oneday
Apologize to who? Jackie’s family? They won’t even speak to me, and if i try to speak to them, that’s just more evidence im wracking up against myself for harassment.
I want to go see jackie. I want to drive to new york and see her. it would take a long time, and my car would likely encounter mechanical problems. and even if i somehow managed to make it there, i would be at major risk of legal action being taken against me.
@mark errr yr missing the point. Apologizing to jackies family is a start but aren’t u forgettin someone? Jackie Is the victim. U should apologize to her. and stop making excuses. If u managed to send her an email threatening suicide I’m sure u can manage an email with an apology. Do u understand what u did wrong yet?
sending her the email is what i should not have done. now ive thrown away my freedom, if the police ever find me before I’m dead.
I hate this agony of waiting, im waiting for nothing. im waiting until i see the police and i feel obligated to just jump. i don’t want to wait anymore
I just spent 5 min teading all the comments freaking out. Please dont jump! Jackie may not be the girl for u ever think of that? Screw her dumbass psrents and hell her too because if she was so wonderful and worth ur love than she would have helped u no matter the obsticale. SHES NOT WORTH IT!! Shes not worth ur love or ir life at that. Stay please talk to me. Whats ur favorite color? Whats ur fav band? Hows the weather? Talk to me
@teengirl pleas go away. I’m trying to work here.
@mark you said before you don’t deserve live because you have emotional problems. Thats true but you can get help wig this. We all have emotional problems. But I’m not talking about those crap doctors at the hospital. I mean a proper shrink. Go home. Tell your parents ‘I fucked up and I need help’ ask them to help you find a good shrink. Everyhibg will get better when you start to accept some responsibility here
I think all this sense of doubt and fear should be telling you something. You feel the need for a push.
I realize hospitalization or jail( though I doubt that would really occur, if so maybe a day… ) may be a sucky one( maybe not ). But look, you aren’t stuck there for life – if you have survived for this long, what is another week? How about after all that occurs? Life continues afterwards, there can be more to life than those few objects, there can be another girl. It may not seem like it now, especially because of the length and depth of the relationship – I didn’t say it’d be easy or over night. But I truly think it’s possible for life to continue forward to a point of positiveness.
I think you need more of a long-run perspective in this matter. (okay maybe over simplified analogy ) but you know when you don’t do that project in school and you’re thinking “FFFFFFF NO GOING TO FAIL EVERYTHING IS GOING DOWN!” but in the end it passes and most of the time not as bad as we build it up to be. I think you can overcome Jackie and all the problems that have occurred…
Don’t shut the door to life after a failed relationship and a sense of failure – life goes on and you can prove yourself wrong, you can find some happiness. Death rips all that possibility over, and you’ll be dying with regrets, and that’s no way to go.
I’m glad you realize the trouble the email cause and maybe that you shouldn’t have sent it. I think some damage control can be done, some apologizing, etc. and over time this’ll be in your past.
Hope that sort of helped…
Ur a nice guy and u derserve love no matter WHAT! TALK TO ME!! Please, im freaking out here!
and also listen to one_day, panda, ella, emotionless, and everyone else – it’s obvious people care.
@ one day: since when is this a job? Is this guy ur client? No, then shut up
@teengirl you don’t know enough about the situation and you could make everythin ten times worse. I only just got rid of the other two. Please give mark and I some space.
@mark can u please email me? It’s kinda hard to focus with all the hysteria
@ Everybody here
I realize you’re all trying to help. I know you all want me to change my mind. i can’t accept the consequences of my actions, i won’t go to jail. i won’t go back to the hospital. I’d rather choose death, as completely idiotic as that sounds.
hold on, security is coming. this is scary
Wow. The security car was driving past my car, then it backed up. then it drove forward. i watched it come all the way around, and it didn’t do that to any other cars. i don’t know if the security guy called it in to police or what.
Mark actually thts not true. I am not trying to make you change your mind. It’s yr decision and I respect that. What I really want is justice for Jackie. Because you still refuse to accept responsibility for how you hurt her. It’s not fair if you get to leve this world without accountjn for your mistakes. Jackie deserves an apology- a heartfelt one. Anyway I can’t focus here there’s too many people. I’m out. PLEASE sen me an email so we can talk abou it properly
It’s not a change of mind per se, we want you to come to a realization. Why are you so absorbed in the idea this will mean you will be sent to jail for an extended period of time…? Maybe I don’t know the law that well, but I can’t imagine them throwing you in jail, then it being some high security one that you will be forced to serve years… Really I don’t believe that is the outcome. I can understand the fear of such a place, but I truly think it’s being blown up in order to give yourself a reason – when such is not true, nor a true reason to choose death…
@oneday
Justice for jackie? She banished me from her life, after promising me she would always be there for me. She said we would meet, she promised me. She promised so many things. She broke all of those promises. She will get what she wanted this whole time, I’ll be gone permanently. And i’ll never be able to bother her again.
@willtickin
I don’t want to endure any jail time or hospitalization time. Weeks of time are enough to terrify me.
First of u dont owe jackie anything. But u do owe YOURSELF and ur parents, u can have a good happy life. Seeing as u never threatened to hurt HER they cant press charges, if anything theyll get a restaining order, which they might already hsve but i forget if that was one of ur posts or someone else. As forthehospital, it sounds awful but mayne u can see if thier are othet oppitions,i mean they r there to help u right? Please thinnk about it, if ur scared then its a sign ur making amistake
Oh I understand. This is all HER fault. You are the victims here is that right?
Geez man lay off, ever heard of salt in the wounds?
@oneday
What she’s done to me, pales in comparison to anything i’ve done to her. I still want to be friends with her. She hates me and wants me out of her life, at the expense of my own life.
While I do think one_day has a point of Jackie ( well everyone that you are affecting really )… Apparently you think disappearing will fix both your and their problems… Except it isn’t disappearing, it’s leaving them with an empty feeling themselves due to your death. I’m not sure if you fully realize the impact of death and the amount of problems it causes rather than fixes…. and you’re not leaving those people better of without you…
But anyhow, so becoming nothing and dead will be better than a mere few weeks out of your life – which can many thousands of weeks long? Hm – seems a bit disproportionate. I didn’t say it wouldn’t be scary, terrifying or anything. I agree that both can be just that – but they’re both temporary and as I said I think possibly being a bit blown up…though maybe that cannot be easily seen at this point. But I do think there is life after those things – and maybe hey those weeks can give you some time to think of why you’re there, and the true impact of your actions. You recognize death as scary too, yet you choose that – which is permanent – over the temporary fear of hospitalization and jail…hm. See sorta what I’m getting at here?
@one_day hello again I’m back for this comment. Seriously you didn’t get me to leave. I’m just sick of the stupid conversation.
@Mark email One_day cuz then you don’t have shitloads of comments and MAYBE something that isn’t totally useless and petty will happen. ADIOS!
U wont go to jail since u didnt threaten her, atleast thats how it is in california…im in government this yr so thats how i know, but i agree wth willticken,whats a few weeks compared to infinity? And if this girl is so awful why r letting her affect u like this?
Mark and teengirl will you both please email me on myfakeemail1984 at gmail dot com
@ one_day:
I’m sure you’re very capable, but the others are entitled to comment too, you know? 🙂
@ mark:
Think of the babes. Think of all the wonderful babes you’ll miss if you off yourself. Or birdsong in the early mornings. Or whatever gets you stoked…
@mark: r u still here?
Sorry, I don’t know too much of what is going on (I couldn’t read the entire thing or all comments.) but I really wanted to repond quickly to u. All I have to say is do you LOVE Jackie, I mean REALLY LOVE her that you wouldn’t ever wish any harm to her or do anything to harm her? Because if you kill yourself, u will kill Jackie too. U will kill all the happiness inside her, and it will show her that U NEVER LOVED her in the first place. If you really loved her, u would never do a thing like that. If you loved her, you would go through treatment (mental evaluation and the whole kaboodle) just to PROVE how much you love her, that you would go to the doctor FOR HER. DO NOT KILL YOURSELF if you really love Jackie. Someday she will come back to you, greatful that you didn’t kill yourself and beg to be friends again. You will probably have moved on with someone even better than her, but chances are she WILL come back to you. Same thing happened to me… One of the only friends I’ve had in my teens (online friend) said she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore because of the long distance, and my strange predicament. I felt so bad that I wanted to kill myself, but I didn’t cuz I respected her too much to make her feel guilty in any way. Well, 6 years later she contacts my sister via Facebook, apologizes for what she has done to me, and tells my sister to contact me and ask to be friends again. Well, needless to say I didn’t want to be friends with her, and full out refused her “friend request.” (years earlier I would have jumped at the opportunity! But I have moved on… ) You will feel the same.
You placed your life in the hands of a 17 year old without determining whether she is capable. She has neither the maturity nor the mental stability to handle such a burden.
She’s just a little girl. You can’t expect her to hold her promises.
@muspelhem ordinarily I agree with you but what is going on here is very dangerous. There are too many people here who dont have a full understanding of what mark has subjected this girl to. The comments they leave which are well intentioned to encourage him, actually also support his delusion that there is something wrong with HER, not with him. Surely you can see the danger this poses to society. If people don’t understand no means no. Some things are way bigger than just you and me.
@one_day: Agreed no means no but has mark emailed u? Because he hasnt commented inawhile…
@treengrl will u please email me? Sorry I was snappy before am at work and got nothing done.
I think maybe the cops found mark. Safer that way anyway
@ one_day:
Well of course no means no. I agree, an important pillar of society. I don’t agree that there is something wrong with any of them. My impression is he’s infatuated and she’s maybe dumped him a bit hard.
But I disagree that there is an acute risk to society right now.
The risk right now is to Mark (and those who love him). Therefore everyone keeping him talking (though he seems to have stopped) and encouraging him one way or the other is helping keep him alive.
Can’t we deal with society later?
Hey Mark, how are you doing… Did you see what I said? If you love her, let her go for now. GO get help to prove that you really cared for her in the first place. don’t hurt her anymore (hurting yourself will hurt her, if you love her, you woudn’t hurt yourself) Talk to us… please?
Im starting to worry…mark please talk to us
Damn Mark you really really really like really love this qirl huh?I’m not tryna be that person to say this but I mean like your 18.Are you tellinq me that you never qone threw that staqe that you wanted to kill yourself cause of a qirl at like 14?It’s not worth It.Just please stick In there.I know your qonna hate me for sayinq this but there’s another qirl exactly like her somewhere In this world,hey she miqht even by down the street from you and you don’t even know.
@muspelhem please email me. I need to talk it’s important
@ one_day: Done.
So, it he dead yet?
Yeah. Does anyone know mrk’s status? (please be alive)
I know…did he write to your email? ANYTHING? ps. *i just read everything.