It’s been awhile since I’ve written about myself, though I still pop in regularly to read. Lurking, mostly.
It has now been 3 1/2 months since I attempted suicide on December 2, 2011. Exactly two months since my misadventure with my employer. Here is how things are, having made it to Spring break….
Neither the Dean nor the Director act as if anything had occurred, which I suppose is a good thing. I have been afraid to look at my Survey comments, because even though I keep a brave face and act reasonable, in reality, criticism hits me very hard. Maybe after I post this I’ll go look at them, but part of me doesn’t want to know. I do know that I was criticized for the amount of work I assigned because my boss the department chair, has already talked to me about it.
My physical changes have persisted. I still have the blurry vision, but I found the right strength of reading glasses, so at least I can see what I’m typing. My short term memory issues have gotten much better. Now they only spring up when I have a high level of anxiety and I’m at school. Even then, the frequency of my memory blanks have decreased. I took all but 1 1/2 days the last two weeks off for vacation. Not going anywhere, just trying to empty my mind.
I made an appointment with an ENT doctor. I’m pretty sure that I broke my hyoid bone during my attempt. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s more difficult to swallow, I’ve noticed.
Every morning, I take a pill meal. I’m on 7 different medications, 4 of which relate directly to my suicide attempt: Effexor, Geodon, Cogentin, and lithium. The Geodon and lithium do not appear to be available in an extended release version. So I have to take meds in the afternoon as well. One or more of those medications is giving me tremors. If I forget the afternoon dose, it gets pretty bad. When it’s really bad, I sneak off to the QT and get two airplane shots of bourbon. I know I shouldn’t, but from time to time, it seems like the only thing that quiets my body.
My wife, even after all this, asks if I’m okay regularly, especially if she leaves me alone at home for any length of time. She has been absolutely fantastic, but gets a bit paranoid sometimes and she will still sometimes grip my arm in bed to keep me from getting up and wandering the house.
Although I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts since beginning the medication, I still have my suicide items hidden away:Â A length of really thick stereo cable and a pint of really, really good bourbon.
Just in case.
So, that’s my update. I do want you to know that this web site did help me, especially in December and January. I don’t know what the future will be like, but at least at this moment, I’m okay.
porphyrous
4 comments
@ porphyrous; I just finished reading all of your posts in chronological order. It’s good to hear that the meds are working out for you. ~ Best wishes
Hi, sounds very difficult but I’m glad you’re still making it through.
I remember you.
Sometimes the medication can be a double edged sword. If you want to talk you know how to find me.
On Monday I’m going to call my psychiatrist and see if she knows which medication is causing the tremors.
My symptoms have been getting more severe the last few days. I think it’s because I’m fearful of the new quarter at school starting on Monday. I also have a job interview on Monday, the first one I’ve had in 10 1/2 years.
Ever since my daughter, who turns 8 tomorrow, began taking Ritalin, the transformation has been amazing. She has not brought home a single restraint form, and her special ed teacher is singing her praises. We just had her IEP on Thursday, and it’s very possible she’ll be able to increase the amount of time she spends in her “real” 2nd grade classroom. I can’t tell you just how much of a relief that is. She extremely smart, but she has difficulty talking and expressing herself, which results in massive tantrums. Emotionally she’s about 6 years old. Honestly, she is just like I was at her age. I am so happy she’s finally improving.
And my son is progressing, still learning, which is good. He turns 12 next month, and has been coping better since we stopped sending him to school on the short bus, and my wife drives him to school. Biggest problem is that he’s still not toilet trained. This fall he moves to the Middle School, which I’m fearing because he despises changes in his daily routine.