Thems the bums

Feeling better today after I spent about 3 or 4 hours in pure physical and mental agony. Agony! I wanted someone to come lift me out of bed, to carry me downstairs so I could function and work, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. So I went on the internet trying to solve it that way. I had to go on the internet and look up those groups of people that write about common experiences. The one I was looking at today was “people abandoned by their moms” (share your story!) and I really did not expect to feel better at first, but I finally did after I read a story that was so horrible, I realized how lucky I am. I didn’t really get over it and I don’t think I ever will but it wasn’t completely freed from my emotions until I talked about it with a friend. I carry so much anxiety about being abandoned I literally feel it crawling under my skin sometimes. Or creeping in my spine trying to jump out my back like a creature from the Alien movies. Really its that bad. I feel so desperate, scared and filled with rage, its like I am going to die. My heart flops around like a dying fish, my eyes can’t focus and my lymph nodes act like they are fighting an infection. My skin becomes red, then pale then red again. The anxieties I have about people, about being left to die, about dying alone, or about being betrayed or exposed…literally make me sick sometimes. But anyway, I feel better now, but sometimes I wonder how quickly my body is going to break down because of my horrible disorders.