February ninth 2011 I left the girl I loved to try to fix my life and emotions with a clear head and give her some space and time to reconnect with her daughter who hated me with passion since I met her, I felt like not being together would make some of the nastiness lift on our current situation and bring her and her daughter closer again so we could all be friends again. It wasn’t as though i didn’t love her anymore… I just felt like this was what we needed. During the time I left she got very very close and had what i call an emotional affair, while I was trying to get my head straight and remember the girl I fell in love with and she was getting into a new and deep relationship with her cousins friend. The second I knew about this my whole world shattered I collapsed and wanted to die right then. After a lot of pride and dignity losing I Somehow I fought back and I got back into her life, fought as hard as I could and believe me it was very very hard the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I stopped her emotional affair with the guy. Ever since then she has never been the woman I fell in love with over time she grew bitter and started to despise me. She blames me for everything and anything wrong in her life I am the ultimate cause from her not doing something or being somewhere on time to her quitting her work to give birth to our daughter which is the biggest mistake of her life apparently. She never wanted or wants to do anything and expected everything from me and the slightest thing wrong I would be treated as if I am scum of the earth. This was my life for approximately four months. Most of the days i would spend at least a few hours depressed and anxious and always find reasons to hate myself as if her reasons wasn’t enough. I truly regret leaving on that day, she was just about all I had to live for, and by the time i figured that out, I had already been replaced in her heart, she left me emotionally and she already hated me. I just got worse and worse. Hating life more by the day. Trying to find a reason to live. The depression was deep and painful and most nights I would  lay in bed for hours thinking about suicide and how nice it would be to just let go. Contemplating. Then I received an inheritance of a lot of money, it made me happy to see her happy with the things we brought, I would do anything for her and all I thought is being with her and giving my family everything is the right thing. She gave me happiness but of a differ kind. She got close enough to keep me happy and at some points when I thought it was real love all the constant sadness and reflection seemed so meaningless. Everything seemed unreal. We had become like friends again. In love again. but still just knowing that we are ok makes me want to cry with happiness. The smallest things seem to upset me and set me off into more bouts of sadness. I truly have just made myself a hopeless being that can’t enjoy life. My girlfriend doesn’t want to get us to be together at any time of the day or make our life better or even acknowledge we exist, she is embarrassed by me. My thoughts and contemplations of suicide have been returning and are starting to sound very appealing again. I have been considering hanging myself or subjecting myself to pain again. This deep pain just won’t go away no matter how hard I try and there is nothing I can turn to anymore. I am hanging by a thread and thoughts of suicide tend to be my more comfortable thoughts. I am sorry, sorry I existed, sorry to everyone I ever met, sorry I brought 3 kids into this horrible world of mine, I don’t want them to ever grow up and see me like everybody else see’s me, as a joke. I can’t take this anymore. I will find a way to end all this pain she is putting me through. I hate to and try my best always to never slag her of to anyone but she is the main cause of all my pain, she has the control over everything in mine and her life, if we are shit it’s because she wants it to be or she needs for it to be so there is reason to end it, because without her negative and horrible input into our relationship, it is good. She has treated me like no one has ever treated me before, her horribleness is unbelievable and feels like hell, I cant see her ever going to stop anymore. She will ignore even the very basic needs in a relationship, not even acknowledging me let alone my feelings of suicide, she will act as if I have already died, she will humiliate me at every opportunity, especially in front her family she can by ridiculing me and whatever I say and making me look like a fool, a joke. We have absolutely nothing together anymore she has gave everything we ever had away. From the second I wake she is horrible to the second I sleep. She only cares about herself and her life, she has cut me out completely. My whole life since I met her in everything I do has been for her and my family know this, the only people who don’t are her family who she tells every last intimate part and every last sensitive peice of infomation thats deep and it hurts and embarrasses me, us, my family and  makes them all believe that this is every part my fault. It is not I am just a guy who has always always done his best to love and make her happy. I cant cope anymore with her horrible nastyness, it makes me into a man I really dont like and deep down is not really me, it makes me become nasty, then this is what she will use. I really cant see why anyone even her own friends and family cant see that this is her doing and she has done this herself. Making me never good enough not matter how hard I try, they must be able to see that i have tried so hard and try so much, I do more than any other man around her, even the one with jobs that she puts me down with. I do more for this family than anyone has ever I take so much shit for this family and fight so many battles for this, mentally, emotionall an physically, I cant cope anymore. I can’t leave her or my daughter, I can’t even bare the thought of leaving them, I have left my other 2 kids and I can’t cope with leaving again. I will find the strength and courage to end this life some way, I have to get past the pain if leaving my kids somehow then I will. This is not a cry for help and will never be seen until I am free of this world.
When I met her I called her my angel, she was so beautiful to me and everyone around her, now I don’t no where my angel has gone.
3 comments
You need to get rid of her not you.
You did your best and it was not appreciated.
And it hurts like the dickens because you loved her as well.
And sad to say there is really nothing you can do but let the sadness out and move on.
Try to reconnect with your children if you can.
Because I am sure they miss you.
Relationships can be so complex and hard. Have you considered counseling? Are you sure all these things that you think she believes are what she really thinks? You sound so angry. Please see a counselor and take medicine so that you are in the best frame of mind to make decisions. It’s so easy to misunderstand people. Hope you find peace and work it out.