My regrets, longing, & cravings wait for me at the end of each day, to remind me that everything is wrong, and sleep is for those with a clean conscience. I’ve ruined my life, over and over again, far past the point of recovery. So far beyond the bounds of morality that normalcy is alien to me. Nothing will ever be ok, ever again. How could it be, when I’ve done these things, and still think about these things.
And I’m not killing myself because I’m afraid. And the only way that fear will ever be overcome is if things get so bad that I fear remaining alive more than I fear death. And things will get worse. Things have gotten worse. Things will continue to get worse. But I fear death an awful lot. How terrible will things have to get before I decide to jump into the unknown. Or will I still be clinging on to the ledge as the end closes in around me.
Could things have been different? Really? Could I have become the person I once pretended to myself that I was? That’s what I torment myself with. I shouldn’t be this. This shouldn’t have been my life. I shouldn’t be here. I should be happily married with a family, a fulfilling career, and a general sense of peace with reality. Not that I deserve any of those things. But that was the overwhelming expectation. In some sense it still is, despite the total contradiction with how I actually exist in the world.
Possibly my sheltered upbringing just allowed me to develop an unshakable sense of entitlement. No matter how sad the reality of my day to day life actually gets, and how hopeless I feel about changing anything, this subconscious part of me clings to the expectation that things should be otherwise. That in some way they will be otherwise… if I could just figure it all out. There must be some loophole in the plan I’ve followed to irrevocably fuck up my life that transforms it from a sad, lonely trudge into decrepitude to a life full of meaningful connection and fulfilment. Better spend the hours I should be asleep mindlessly turning it over in my head over and over, desperately looking for any way out.