I need to die
I’m not right
I can’t feel
My heart can’t feel
My body can’t feel
I’m already dead
What’s the point in living?
For a purpose that will never happen………
Why do I even try?
Try to stay alive is it to feel some sort of emotion bar this empty feel
I even wish I could feel pain now
Yet I have a clear mind and know cutting isn’t right but I fear it’ll go down that route soon, very soon or that of an anorexic.
I’m guessing that of an anorexic will be the easiest option after all no one would notice – I am after all fat but not obese in size that I know of.
Maybe I’ll get some pleasure upon puking my guts back up? Or not eating right? Like I eat right or properly now, what a joke, I’m a joke.
How long has this been going on for, more than two years? Possibly more than four, most likely more than four.
I could kill myself tonight, should I kill myself tonight………Then again it is 4.18am.
Do I want to die?
Yes.
Why aren’t I, killing myself?
Because of my purpose and that is?
To inspire people, duh, I’m you remember, I’m just typing my thoughts….Okay my personal thoughts down onto this word document.
You should publish it…..
Shut up.
I mean it
Why?
Because you need help…..
Oh really? I’m already getting help.
No you’re not…..You go to a college consoler in which you went to first after how long this has been going on?
A few years……..
Exactly, face it no one is going to help you and you know it, so really what’s so important or personal about this if you don’t care about anything, not even yourself?
Shut up mind……
No, look I’m making a valid point and you need to stop being ……
I can’t stop being myself, I hate myself.
And why do you hate yourself?
Shut up, you know perfectly why I hate myself and everything that I am and will ever be.
It’s because you think you’ll never amount to anything is that it?
Well…….Yea, not the complete reason but……yea that’s one of the points.
Right…….TALK TO SOMEONE……..Instead of typing this all down, you nut job.
But I can’t………..
Can’t or don’t want to?
I just can’t, I’m not open………..I don’t want to be open.
You gotta be though.
But I can’t……Let me die, please?
No…….You might want to die but I can’t, I won’t let you die and never will I let you, I am you’re mind, you’re brain……
Everything feels suffocating
It’s because you’ve been dying for a while, for quite sometime now and it’s only now and a couple weeks back that you’ve begun to realize the horrid state you are in.
This was from last night, I talked to myself. Talked to myself on word processor. I suppose it kinda help. A little. Not fully. Never fully. It was about four am in between that of four to five am in the morning, I suppose.
I think I might write one everyday or every night, see what happens.
2 comments
I have started to do the same, i just write whats on my mind and keep writing until i feel i have gotten everything out, it helps a lot and you can go back and see how you think and the things that bug you, the reasons why you keep holding on and etc. I have found that between that and cutting i can actually breath and feel ok. Wish you the best of luck
I wouldn’t be anorexic or bulimic- if by a small chance you do get…. ‘better’, then you could end up being pretty fucked up from the disorders – recked teeth, muscle decay or some shit like that etc.
Cutting might actually be healthier – just remember to keep the wounds clean, keep the cutting tools clean and sharp etc. I know that cutting has helped quite a few people, but i would recommend cutting on your thighs – cause i got caught when i used my wrists, and now it’s too risky for me to cut again which made things worse.
At least I’m not the only one who does that self conversation thing. 🙂 Feel slighty less crazy.