“True love ~ Broken Dreams”

“True love ~ Broken dreams”

-Hai, my name is Peter Alesana also other’s would like to call me Petii. I’m going to share a story about broken dreams, the human mentally capacity of fighting for your loved one, for your dreams, shattered lost soul, never endless suffering, a story what will encourage you to stand up and keep pushing even if everything seems to be dark and hopeless , when you are on two knees praying, shaking in the unconditional pain, when you cried so much that your tears turn into blood but won’t stop falling regardless how try you hard, when there is no one else there to help you, everyone left you and no one seems to care about you, when you weak, broken, a story about hope.

-Hai people, I would like to hear some opinion and advice about my life if anyone mind to read this, It’s started with a regular day when I met the women who took away my life shatter my soul and watch me burn, the first time when I see her it’s was very mysterious and magical feeling for me what I have never experienced during my life, but as well I could say it might been a curse what slowly take away my life and torture my inner soul, but I couldn’t control myself, the moment I seen her I fall in unconditional love with this person and I couldn’t resist her, she was the most beautiful, gorgeous, loving and carrying women I ever seen in my life and it’s felt like inside me some sort of unnatural feeling go through my entire body, it’s like my sweetest dreams where I step in heaven and never lasting happiness welcome me, by just seeing her, I felt like I was blind at that moment because I haven’t realized what kind of rare “treasure’’ I been found what other’s just dreaming about in their entire lifetime. As I said I was “blind” at that point but she didn’t hesitate to talk to me; “She said Hi to me” but that point I didn’t realized yet I might have done the worst decision in my life, but I never regretted that decision, we started to talk with each other, some kind of mysterious feeling went through my body a sweet, burning feeling in my heart by the first time I seen her, my heart was in pain in a way, more likely a good type of pain, a pleasure, something incredible sweet fire, what I would like to call “love”. I was crazy for her because that anxious feeling in my heart didn’t seem like to go away and every second to second I spent with her the feeling that sweet burning become greater and greater, my body naturally get emotionally connected to her and my brain was keep telling me that I need her, I didn’t have a choice, it’s not like I was against this decision I was more likely excited and burning up for it….”I love you” I said after couple minutes of talking with her, I didn’t know what happened with me but my body was shaking for her, I was sweating , and felt a bit shy, but for sure my heart went crazy for her. She looked at me and said, “ please don’t say that, you cannot do that, I will destroy you and only hurt you” I said I don’t care what will happen I will always love you, It’s seems liked she already knew, it was a very terrifying moment in my life as I look back in the past. She already knew I will burn and suffer for rest of my life by her, like a curse on me what we can only image in our worst nightmares, but I fall in love with her regardless anything and sometimes I look back and ask myself, Am I fall for the devil itself? Later on I realized there is not a such a thing like devil, it’s the human, human is a very disgusting and evil being in a way but there are very few who has a good heart and willing to help others, I appreciate those people and I respect them. I didn’t really care about those few words at that point so I just went into it and get attached to her in a very strange way, like when a kid won’t let go his toy even if it’s old and broken. We started to talk and slowly we get to know to each other and she seemed like the perfect women, we had almost everything in common, we enjoyed mostly everything what we liked to do in our own, I felt like we were the same, like she is part of me, my other half of my soul… she also had a very colorful, amazing loving personality, and of course the most beautiful girl I ever seen until this day I haven’t seen anybody like her, she never had to wear makeup or fancy clothes, she was naturally gorgeous on my opinion. The first time I seen her… This is one of the hardest part for me explain her beauties, her eyes, face, hair, her body, the way she look at you, the way she smile, the way she hold her hand, every single detail about her was perfect like she was an angel who fall from heaven but seems like lost in this miserable Earth. Time past we spent every day together mostly the all-day talking and find out more about each other, we have been spending daily ten hours at least in average for each other, lot of time we didn’t sleep or we had to ditch our choirs just to be with each other… I felt like I’m in a kind of place where only me and her exist where there is only purpose of life is happiness, where we are free and we can do and achieve anything together, where the whole world is only ours.

– Her name was Marta Perez, she is in her twenties’, she had a major depression and low self-esteem but she never accepted the fact what’s made our life very difficult, she always blame herself for everything and says she only hurt people, I always tried my best to change her negative opinion about herself and give her hope and try to help her make better decisions in life. It’s seemed impossible; regardless of what I said she always denied listening to anyone, including me. She talked about how she been miss treated by others, used, abused, lied to, also all the cause of the pain she went through she have been blaming herself for that, If something bad happens she must be the cause of that, it was in her mind what nobody could of ever changed, since she is the only one who could do that but she denied the truth. I would like to give couple example; when she born her mom died after giving her birth, she couldn’t forgive herself for that, she lived with her Dad who never loved her since she caused her mom die, she been treated like a nobody, a slave with no human rights. Therefor she always looked down herself, I felt very upset about that and I made a huge decision and dedicated my life to make every second of her lifetime pure happiness, the most important was for me is her, I always wanted the best for her, I was a kind of person who always wanted the best for others no matter what, I never think about myself and I never been selfish, I always unselfishly and unconditionally loved her regardless anything, at that point I haven’t realized the importance of life and what would it be like without her, until a day. It been going on for months where she said I’m not good for you, I only going to hurt you, I can’t stay with you, as you see her low self-esteem showed itself by many times, but I couldn’t image myself losing her so I always told her I couldn’t live without you, all she said is “I love you” this topic always came back and more often every day until a point where she said it by last time “ sorry I can’t stay with you” since that moment she deleted me from her life. I felt like I died inside I couldn’t sleep, eat, function anymore, I lost 30 pound less than a week I had incredible pain and I couldn’t sleep I cried all-night. I fall in major depression, I couldn’t function, I cried myself to sleep from the morning until my legs collapse and pass out. My friends didn’t understand what’s happening, until a moment where I couldn’t take it anymore and I attempt of suicide, but well I wanted to say bye before I do it and that was the greatest decision I did, the person called out the police and ambulance and they took me to mental hospital, I been locked up there and put on many kind of medication. I really didn’t understand what depression at the moment, but I been surrender by people who had issues in life like drugs alcohol, depression… I spent couple weeks around them also I was on many different medication what basically made me blind for a week and I couldn’t stay awake or focus to anything, I been sleeping fifteen hours daily. The hospital helped me and I gained back weight and I didn’t looked any more like a living dead, since all my life energy left me, I was really white, my eyes were black, I had black circles under my eyes my face was very skinny, my bones pop out on my face and all over my body. After they released me the first thing I tried to do is look for her. I don’t know why but I loved her in a way where I couldn’t function without her for any second, but it seemed hopeless. I spent the next year with my friend Kevin, who took care of me, I lived in his house, he feed me, gave me clothes and tried his best to get me through the days, but he also been a very bad influence on me and pull me into a world what helped me to stay alive I didn’t wanted to face the reality so I started to use drugs, alcohol, cigarette… I never enjoyed to do this things but it become a daily thing to me what helped me survive, I never enjoyed the feeling I enjoyed the pain. I started to doing them while I was on anti-depression on medication… it was a big mistake it basically mixed the drugs with other drugs and made my brain permanent unstable. My trips become nightmares horrible, every time by the smallest amount of alcohol or drug I had such an effective trip what started to destroy me and kill me. It’s felt like every time I’m going to die in the pain, my heart pumps up very heavy and the next second it just slow down in a such an insensitive way where you can feel every single heart beat going smaller and slower a feeling where you know you will die. I went insane… but I was keep doing it… after a time I lost my only friend because I was still attached to her… my family gave up on me and by that time I had nobody anymore. I lost my friends, family… I become a drug and alcohol abuser also a smoker, I destroyed my body and I look like a dead person. I was dead white, with very dark black circles under my eyes, I been very skinny since then, like a living skeleton. I looked disgusting. I never finished school because I was in a mental state where I couldn’t function anymore, I couldn’t work or basically do anything in my life, all I did is cried myself to sleep every day over months and years, making thought of dyeing, I enjoyed to think about suicide and death I always planned my suicide but I been to weak and afraid to die, but I had a slightly hope in my life. It was this women who left me, I promised her I will never give up and I always kept my promises, I never lied to her once in my life, I never said one bad to word about her, and after all the pain I still loved her and looked for her. By this time most of my life was destroyed I lost everything with no future, and couldn’t function I was alone in the dark world. I lived in those thoughts for a long time that she been dead since last thing she said she will commit suicide since than nobody seen her but after months and years I found a way to communicate with her, yes she made me live every day in those thoughts that she is dead… the first thing I asked is why did you do this to me? Why did you leave me… and well she explained me that she been married the whole time she spent her time with me, also she lied about her whole life… all I said is I love you.. I didn’t feel anger… I told her I forgive you and I love you… but why did you have to do that? She never told me… I told her what I been through and I told her my whole life been destroyed I lost everything and I’m a living dead waiting for you… she felt really upset and cried… I told her let me see you that’s all I asked for and she said no I cannot because if you do I will go with you because I still love you. She also told me that after she left me she attempt of suicide she jump off from a building broke her all bones and been in hospital for months, she got better but she couldn’t work anymore, she lost her dream job because of me. All she said is “I’m sorry” I forgive her and loved her the same way like I did by the first time I met her. We kept talking and she said I love you again… I never asked her from that all I wished for is talk to her but she decided to leave her wife who is a success, good looking doctor… and me? I was a homeless nobody, I got nothing to offer her but she still choice to do that, I felt like I had a reason to live again I become stronger every second, I started to function, enjoy life, smile and I also joined to groups and work, my life changed from hell to heaven by three word, I never asked this from her but she decided to do that, I felt really bad about it and after a time I felt back to the shadow of valley, even if I had her, I was hopeless and couldn’t enjoy anything, my feelings stopped for her… I told her I feel like I cannot trust you and I cannot support you also, I’m hopeless and I don’t have feelings anymore there is no hope for me, I cannot satisfy you and inside me I felt like I don’t love her anymore but I never told her, I always been afraid to tell her my feelings because she always make huge fights by the most pointless things or misunderstands, but I had no choice I didn’t wanted to lie to her so I told her the truth and of course she got really mad, flip out my words and blame everything on me, also she told me I never loved her and cared about her, I never ask her how is she, and what she doing.. regardless what I said she flip out my words and I hate to fight with her, there is one thing left to say “ If you really believe I don’t love you and care about you after all, I gave up everything in my life, friends ,family ,education ,job, future ,money , my happiness, my life, I also been diagnosed with PMD, psychosis major depression where I cannot tell the reality anymore I heard and seen things what’s not real, I was paranoid and always cold. I suffered alone for years without you every day in a darkroom I sit there look at your picture and cry… I daydream with you all day long I always image you that you pop out from nowhere and you run to me and say that you love me, I always been honest and loyal to you, I respect you and I forgive you everything, you took away my life but I still LOVE YOU’’ she told me” **** you get a life“ andwell she been gone since that… but even if there is nothing left in my life I can still put a smile on my face.

-The point of the story is if you fight for your dreams you will achieve them, it will take time and lot of effort, it could consider your life but “I’m just a human who always been dreaming” My loved one destroyed me laugh at me and watch me cry, she never cared… and I still forgive her. I don’t respect her, I don’t trust her but I love her, and I try to trust her and look up to her but she have to prove it. She not deserve it but she is the only thing what keep me alive, I learned many things in my journey and I become a better and stronger person and one day I might achieve my dreams, until I will fight.. also I learned that we as human are very mean, selfish beings and lot of us been controlled by others, but I’m an individual and I will always listen to myself because If I feel like I’m right then nobody should tell me I’m wrong, in case I can be but myself should be the first, I had to go through a very hard life to understand if you love and care others and forget about yourself, then you will suffer instead of them, dose it worth it? In case for me it did, but first you have to love yourself and want the best for yourself so then you can have a better life, but I always hated myself, I hate everything about me , that’s why I desire others who destroy me.
I accept every human being regardless their mistake because we make mistakes everyday but those mistakes should teach us to become a stronger and better person if we keep failing by the same mistakes we are weak, in case I’m weak because no matter what I can’t give up on this person who took away my life… I’m sorry.

” I been bullied, abused, raped, everything you can just image but those not as important as her “