I’ve changed. A year ago i felt like i was missing out on a true friend that stuck by me, someone i could talk to about anything.
Now that i have that i have completely changed. I used to be reserved, never spoke what i thought. Never talked about myself and kept a distance from everyone. I liked it that way.
But now i open up to people, tell them my worries and about my past. I don’t like this. But i find i can’t stop.
I know that these people will turn on me and i will be alone again soon. Although i am looking forward to it (sounds ungrateful but i’m not used to having friends so being alone is comforting) i am also dreading it as i have gotten close to these people.
I sound really ungrateful as i am sure there are heaps of people on this site who would kill for some friends but i can’t help feeling uneasy about the unknown.
Sorry if this post pisses anyone off. Just need some guidance.
4 comments
There is nothing scarier than having hope but fearing its inevitable end. I wish I could say that they won’t abandon you but the truth is that they probably will. 99% of people will fail you and it’ll happen over and over. That may be bitter but it is the sad truth I have tried to accept. It doesn’t stop me from making the same stupid mistakes over and over and thinking this time will be different.
Someone recently said we focus on the ones who don’t matter and forget those who do. I believe that’s true. There are maybe five people in my life who’ve stood by and helped me pick up the pieces time and time again, usually as a result of someone else hurting me or disappointing me. I wish I could be satisfied but this constant dread just preys on me. And I even push away the ones who matter.
Wow-I’ve made thing worse for you I think. I guess the positive is I’m still alive even when I expect to hurt every time. You’re already ahead of the game because you can find solace in being alone.
I understand. I’m the same way. I found this quote, made me cry but seems about right.
“It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to keep making it. I knew what happened when you let yourself get close to someone, when you started to believe they loved you: you’d be disappointed. Depend on someone, and you might as well admit you’re going to be crushed, because when you really needed them, they wouldn’t be there. Either that, or you’d confide in them and you added to their problems. All you ever really had was yourself, and that sort of sucked if you were less than reliable.â€
People are selfish, self centered, and dishonest. They should not be trusted.. not with personal thoughts, or problems, or anything that makes you vulnerable. What reason is there? Every kind act is done for personal gain, and the troubles we face take priority over those of someone else. This is, and always will be, my firm belief, yet somehow I have found a person who is the exception. It still bewilders me.. Some people are worth your trust.. He is the most confusing yet honest person I have ever had a conversation with.. but it helps to share these thoughts and I know he will never tell me inspirational crap, just talk. He may leave, I may push him away.. But I am still grateful for this friendship. I hope you give yours a chance as well.
Wow, thank you both so much for your comments. They really made me feel a sense of relief since now i know i shouldn’t feel guilty about being ungrateful because as i thought, it is a common fact that people are unreliable and all you have is yourself in the end.
Thank you ’emptiness7′, i think i should look more closely at who is in my life instead of looking at them all like a generic whole. And you didn’t make it worse, thanks for sharing.
‘Savanna_’ that quote was very beautiful, do you know who said/wrote it? I would love to know. And although i know i should give them a chance i feel too exposed and vulnerable to do that right now. But in the future that is great advice.
This has lifted my spirits. Thank you both.
Jodi Picoult
Glad to have been of some help. I hope you find what you’re looking for.