I have it all. Or so I’m told.
I have a loving husband who supports me. I have a beautiful little girl. She’s 5 months old. I love them. They mean the world to me. But sometimes it’s not enough. The pills on the counter are calling my name. I doubt there’s enough to kill me but I sometimes want to test that hypothesis. I wish I could tell people. I see a therapist. I lie. I tell them I’m fine. I just don’t want to pay for another hospital visit. It would be the 5th one this year.
I took more than I should have. It will just make me tired though. I do my research. I’m smart. Smart enough to know I should be happy. But I’m mad. I’m frustrated. I hate my position. My mom is keeping score right now. She has a spreadsheet of all the things she has done for me over this past year and the value of it all. She will present it to me to remind me I can’t make it in life with out her. What a confidence booster. She’s going to kill me. Not literally but the feeling of never getting her love with out owing her is going slowly kill me.
I just want to escape. I want to drive away and never come back. I just can’t do it anymore.
5 comments
Talk to your husband at least. You don’t always need a therapist to feel good. You’re smart to know that you don’t want to give such a pain to your baby girl especially, right?
You are probably feeling like you are under pressure, make everyone know that they can’t shape you.
And I think your mother wants to be thanked and feel herself needed.
Life is both shiny and black. It needs balance, that’s all.
Hey ashcan life can be tough that’s for sure but the last thing you need is what your mum is doing for you.stop being so hard on yourself you sound tired and beaten don’t stop fighting it would be easy to give up but you’re too strong for that.what’s bothering you deep down? Is it depression?I know things can be tough but you just have to hang on I’m no dr but I do know that with the help of your family your partner and child you will find strength they need you so much and sometimes knowing that is enough hang in there you are not alone
I completely understand how you feel about how you should feel happy but just don’t. Thing is, our emotions don’t do what we think they should, there seems to be this universal belief that we should feel certain thing at certain times and that when we somehow don’t follow, we’re looked upon as strange or ungrateful. I attended a funeral last month and everyone was crying except for me, it wasn’t that I didn’t love my grandma, it was that I don’t see death as such a terrible thing. And it’s not really, death may be hard for the living, but it’s often a comfort to the dead. Well, anyway, my point is that you can’t be forced to feel thing simply because you ‘should’ feel them. Everyone is different and has different emotions and comfort zones and ways of looking at things. Don’t feel bad just because you don’t follow the idea others have that you should be happy. You can’t force happiness and emotions are near impossible to control. I hope things get better for you x
Nothing is more important than, that you feel good…for you! When you have the courage to be selfish enough to look after your own needs then you are in a better place to deal with what’s around you. If I do something for someone, I do it cause I want to and I have the capacity to. Selfishness is good in terms of your own well being, health, contentment and fulfillment. It’s your birthright. When we don’t look after ourselves in this way we become depleted and compromising ourselves to please others does not work as you are finding. Follow what feels best for you and it will be the best for those around you. Just make a decision for you, whatever feels best. Make a decision out of love for yourself and not fear of feeling the need to please other people. Good luck, you sound like a great gal who deserves a whole lot of peace. Take care.
The depression you are describing could be exasperated by symptoms of postpartum depression.
Good luck