when i used to self harm i used to hit my head a lot, i didnt think of it that much back then but now i see the result. probably any type of self harm is better than hitting ur head, i suffer from memory loss, but no one would probably believe me, i dont even remember basic stuff such as what happened the day before, what somebody told me or things that i did, i may sound dramatic but its worse than it sounds. i dont remember how i started it but i did it everytime my mom was bitching about smth that ive done or havent done and continued by doing it when im angry. since ive realized how bad the result is i try not to, i developed anger issues over time and keep hitting myself and biting myself out of anger, its hard to stop. my head hurts so bad everyday and i feel dizzy sometimes no matter what i do, take medicine or even drink a lot of water, i dont know if thats because i hurt my head or something else but it scares me. i wish i wasnt like that, i wish i never did this, i might seem so retarded because of what ive done to myself but i cant help it now, i dont know what can. there are many other bad things including in my bad mental health, i became so mentally unstable that it scares me, so many bad and disturbing thoughts in my mind everyday, im even scared of myself, im scared ill snap one day and do something bad. i hear someone calling my name everyday even when im home alone, i really wanna believe that its not something bad and that im not a schizo. i often find myself having random conversations in my mind, it could be me talking about random things or someone is speaking to me, i dont understand whats happening and after a long time that its happening i try to figure out whats really happening. im kind of trying to express myself in art sometimes but im not too creative to do that, i just draw some shitty gore that is a bit close to what i feel. also im afraid to get help because i dont trust anyone that is not my close and real friend, i cant be open with anyone, even if i did get open and be honest id get to a mental hospital, thats my worst fear but my first worst fear is that my parents finding out about that, i dont want them to know how fucked i am. im slowly losing myself, i feel so lost..
lately, a few memories have been flooding my mind, not sure why. it’s been a rough few months, honestly. and flashbacks haven’t made them any easier.
classes and homework are taking up a lot of my time, but still, feels like i’m spreading myself thin. friend of mine started to talk more regularly with me this year and they think it’s great and all but half the time i don’t know what to say. every time we talk, i feel so drained; i just physically can’t keep talking for the whole day.
kinda hard to explain, but it just constantly feels like i’m being talked down to, though i might just be overthinking it. also i’m just stupid because i end up… sending things i know i don’t want to send, just because i know the other person expects it.
started typing because i wanted to empty out my brain, but really all my thoughts are so messy that it feels like i can’t do it.
lately i’ve been getting so upset about small things. actually, to me they don’t feel small, but they probably are. it just kinda hurts to see your mom treat someone who’s not family the way you wish you were treated, you know? it’d be nice to be taken into consideration sometimes, instead of having to remind people who are supposed to be close to you of your existence.
i’ve been thinking a bit about my thoughts on certain adult topics and how i feel about them, for some reason. stumbling across it is fine, i don’t really care. but being sent suggestive or straight up explicit things makes me so uncomfortable. i wonder why. it just feels disgusting. actually, i probably know why.
really, i don’t know what i think about lately. not sure about what i want, what i crave or what i need. feels like my brain is fighting itself. guess that having one person that genuinely, actually cares wouldn’t hurt.
What do I do when my mother tells me to go live with my father, but my father has been absent for 5 years? What am I supposed to do when non of my parents want to be fucking responsible for the human being they brought to this fucking world? Where do I go?
All i want is to stop being a nobody in my own family, the last priority. Is it too much to ask for people to thank me from time to time?
I feel quite hopeless today.
I can be an asshole sometimes, and even though I don’t ever misbehave on purpose, sometimes i just can’t stop myself on time. Every single day i try my best to act accordingly, to do everything that must be done and what is, now, expected of me. However, sometimes i simply lose it, and act out. I don’t know why i do that, i really don’t. But it hurts others just as much, if not more, as it hurts me. I don’t like to mistreat people, i really don’t. All i want and try every day is to keep everyone else happy, so whenever i act out even for just a second, i’m treated like im a monster. Like i always want to make everyone unhappy and upset. Why is that? I mean, i’m genuinely asking, i really don’t get it. I assume that i’m the problem here, since that’s the way it’s always been; i’m always to blame and i’m always expected to apologize.
I don’t know
me ranting about stupid shit…
Ever since I was a child I’ve been an overthinker on the stupidest shit. Even now I can’t have one argument with a friend, or something without thinking about it the whole day and it being stuck in the back of my mind. It effects my day to day life because it progressively gets worse throughout my life. I can’t even take a simple compliment without thinking if they really meant it or not. Now I have horrible insecurities about my body and personality. Moving on, I’m currently almost failing three of my classes and as a previous honor roll student I’m letting everyone in my family down. My parents think I don’t care and that I’m unbothered and not trying to fix it in anyway. But in reality this is tearing me apart. I feel as if I have no one to talk to seeing as my old counselor has stopped seeing me. My parents are Caribbean, and always talk about how much they have sacrificed to be here and raise my sibling right and shit. As much as they think their words don’t bother me its the worst feeling in the world disappointing them. My father has mentioned before that all he wants to live for is to see me graduate and he will be fulfilled. They most fucked up part about it is that in 10 years all I can think of is a empty slate. I can’t imagine a world where I’m succeeding in life. It feels like no matter what I do, or matter how hard I try it feels like its never good enough for anyone.
I keep messing up. I keep failing shit.
My life has been doing a downward spiral, and its hard to act like the unbothered daughter, or the hilarious friend, or the amazing student. I don’t want to keep trying anymore, its draining the life out of me. At least when I had the counselor, I could rant to them and it improved my metal state, but now I can’t do that. My mother thinks that I’m getting bad grades to spite her and that I’m doing this all on purpose. She’s teacher so I guess she expects more out of me. I try and rant to my mom and tell her how I feel about things but no matter what I do she soomehow finds a way to make it my fault. I’m tired of living, or trying so hard for a future I don’t even see myself in. My parents are starting to realize that I don’t really believe in their religion anymore, and that I’m bi. But when they do finally find out their are gonna be mad as shittt. My serects are unraveling and I don’t know how to handle it.
I know I don’t have half as serious stories or rants like most the people here, but its nice to type it out once in a while.
One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.
I don’t want to be ‘sick’ anymore or at least well enough I can resemble the things I want to be. Who I am is not my desire.
I’d like to work but I’m beyond just pushing myself and I’ve been denied disability.
I want to be the super mom I believed in but I’m not well enough.
I want to be able to stay with my significant other and not cry or have flashbacks about things he had nothing to do with.
I want to be all love and light.
I want to be so many things but my illness stands in my way.
Most of the time I can’t even want these things, I just want to be dead. I want the pain to stop.
I’ve been suffering for over 2/3 my life and I want it to cease.
I’ve been told I won’t get better and I’ve swallowed that hard truth. I will die with this pain and illness.
That’s not what I want but it’s inevitable. I’ve done everything I can think of but I’m still this way, this sore.
Please, powers that be, hear my plea. Do not let me wake up tomorrow.
I hate my life. I’m a minor and that means I obviously have to live with my parents. I’m a girl and have 3 disgusting brothers. The only thing I have for myself is my brains which I got from my mother. She’s mean sometimes but she’s the only one I actually truly love in this nightmare of a household. My dad and I had a fight about 2-3 months ago and he hasn’t talked to me since. He’s a fucking stupid middle aged man and an ego the size of a fucking blue whale. I hate him so much, his standards for me are crazy. The only reason he liked me before was probably because he could brag about me. Both my parents are strict and I can’t wear anything above the knee or show my shoulders. When I’m with my friends wearing jeans, they’re like, arent you hot? ***** no I’m immune to the weather. Not to mention that since I’m with the popular group all my dumbass friends are bitches too. With their dumbass hoe outfits trying to get the guys while they are all over some chick with a boyfriend. It’s sad and pitiful, but I’m sad and pitiful. My family hates me, I hate my friends and they probably talk shit behind my back too. Only things keeping me going is volleyball and my mother. It’s worse when you are the one experiencing it. Wish I wasn’t a ***** so I could say something or just end it all right now.
Thanks for reading this
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
i hate my life.
i’m in my last year of high school and all the pressure is on me.
i have to get into a good university to get a degree to get a job and make lots of money for my family.
my mum is mad because my younger brother is pretty “dumb”. Teachers say he’s work doing work or paying attention in class. So my mum is worried that he’s gonna fail school.
she was ranting as usual, but today was worse. She asked me “haven’t got homework?” I said “it’s the weekend” she just ignored me and continued saying “instead of watching that stupid show”.
i guess she hinted at me that I have to do well in school otherwise my family is done for.
yesterday i was explaining how we write English essays at school. Bad mistake.
as much as I want to die. I can’t. …doesn’t stop me from cutting though.
I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.
Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
- It’s not like I haven’t tried to speak my mind to, tell someone. In fact I have been hospitalized for my depression, 7 day lock up with medication and a councilor to ‘talk about it.’ But why did they believe me when I told them it was because of some random girl making fun of me for being gay and trans-masculine. I don’t know why I’m depressed, or why I panic when I’m near people or feel the need to just scream for no reason. Why did they think it was another person hating me when I was hating myself for not knowing why I feel the need to tear my skin at the thought of – of what? I don’t know! I just need to. Why? Why cant I answer this simple stupid question that only I know but I don’t know and everyone thinks I’m fine. In not taking my medication anymore because it doesn’t work, drugging me up on chemicals doesn’t work. I told them I could see and hear a man talking when he wasn’t really there because I knew the drugs for that were stronger than the typical stuff.
- I have a project coming up soon. For school. 5 projects actually and no group to help me because “She’s to weird” or “Her fault she sat at a 1 seat desk.” … Rewrite 4 news articles and then write another 4 articles on different subjects. Also there’s a one-pager book review and a PSA short film about young adult struggles that has to be 3-5 minutes long. Oh and not to mention the research article I need to write by myself because the group I have for that project cares more about making a text her “BFF” who’s sitting beside her. Oh and math! Can’t forget about math because I certainly need to know how to graph X^2 – 5x + 6 or I wont be able to do any basic human functions in society.
- My mom said “You have to pass the driver’s test or your walking to school.” I want to, but they don’t understand I blank when I drive sometimes because nothing is forcing my attention onto the road, I nearly crashed because I panicked when I was told “park here, actually go straight.” I was going straight, and I moved to turn but hit the accelerator when she said “go straight.” I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m going to get myself killed one day because I thought I could. I don’t want to drive anymore, but I have to, I have to because I have to drive my friend to school. She’ll be mad if I don’t. I blame it on my mother’s foot. She needs surgery on it for something, I forgot. There isn’t enough space in this closet I call a memory.
- I don’t want anything this Christmas really.. Only the chest binder. But I think I shouldn’t ask for it. They keep asking for what I want but I wont tell them I keep scratching my arm like there’s an answer etched into my bone.
- Why does my sister get everything? Brand new computer, a glossy tablet, Ipod and phone. Today I noticed she also has Bluetooth wireless headphones and an extra battery pack for her electronics. All I’ve got is a phone and our family computer and a pair of nearly broken Ear buds. Sure she paid for half of her things herself but that’s because she got a job without even trying! While I’ve sent in 7 applications and not one phone call. I guess its okay I didn’t get a job I can’t balance it into my schedule anyways.
- Is it bad that I keep hoping someone will cause an accident and I’ll break my leg or arm.. It would mean less work, right? Less stress, less anxiety and even less self-esteem. I started cutting again, it relieved the thoughts a bit. But I’m selfish aren’t I? When more people are on the streets with nothing and I’m here killing myself because I can’t handle a simple task?
- I want to die but I’m afraid of it. I’m scared that when I do I’ll be trapped in a dark void with nothing but my thoughts. Or worse.
- I didn’t do a project. its due tomorrow.
- Do I have the schedule set up for Saturday?
- What if my chest shows this Friday? What if they find out I’m a girl? Should I quit.. No I can’t he’ll yell at me in front of everyone.
- What am I even exactly doing Friday?
- I’ve noticed instructions for me need to be exact or I get confused and question what it means. Think that means I’m an idiot.
- It’s midnight I need to sleep or..
- I don’t want to do this anymore.
- I don’t want to post this but I need to.
So, um hi. I’m not sure how to start off a post like this one, but here I go.
I’ve been having a really tough time with… everything. I have really bad anxiety in general, especially social anxiety though, and it makes it really hard to function in day to day life. I’m only 14, so I don’t have much choice in my doctor visits, medication etc. However, I went to the doctor about a week ago for a regular check and they recommended me a counselor, but I feel extremely uncomfortable talking to a stranger about my problems. I don’t even talk to my friends about it really. I know it’s really bad of me but only one of them knows even a little bit about anxiety and depression and all of them are quite gossipy. I want to hang out with others, but by 8th grade, everyone is already in their set friend groups and it’s extremely difficult to do anything about it. Anyhow, my mom said I don’t have anxiety and that I don’t need a counselor. I have about 2-3 panic attacks a week and normally cry each evening. I don’t tell my mom anything because she will just tell everybody else, especially my family. I just want her to know but that can’t happen so I don’t tell her anything. She is also extremely religious along with everyone in my area, but I am not. I’m really tired of having to go to church every Sunday and act every single day while it is being shoved down my throat because in my area if you aren’t Christian, you are a bad person and people will whisper about you like “Oh my gosh, she is an atheist?” Also back to the anxiety, just walking down the hallway makes me nervous. Yesterday, I was the first to read a story I had written during class. I was already on the verge of a panic attack, and going first didn’t help at all. I was about to cry, but I had to read. Since it is close to Halloween, it was a spooky story and my teacher turned the lights off and handed me a flashlight. It’s fine right, just reading a story. Not for me. I didn’t realize, but people told me I was shaking. I really don’t like speaking in front of people and just standing in front of people during school assemblies has cause panic attacks. For example, our football team was about to go to state or something(idk i know nothing about football) so we had a pep assembly including activities. I was chosen and I didn’t get a chance to ask to be taken out. Right before the event, I had a panic attack and my friend screamed, “She’s about to cry!” It made it worse and the point is, I’m really tired of being nervous all the time. Of having religious stuff shoved down my throat every day and if I even make a comment about it to my mom, she will say something like “I’m worried about you” or “I’m disappointed in you.” The thing is, she isn’t worried about me, so much as my connection with this famous invisible entity in the sky. If she was actually concerned, when she caught me crying one time she wouldn’t just say “Suck it up” and walk away. I’m also tired of being a disappointment. I work my hardest and get straight A’s, but it still isn’t good enough? I’m in student council, Beta Club, Quiz bowl, yearbook, National Jr. Fairboard, and I work hard, but our teachers always just look at our class and says how we aren’t good enough and underachievers. My mom says stuff like that too. I just wanna go one day without a disappointed stare or comment. I’m relatively nice. I’m definitely sarcastic, but its mostly just jokes and puns. I just wanna be good enough for once. I always seem to screw up on the one important part and suddenly nothing else matters, just the one mistake. It’s funny how nobody remembers what good people do, only the mistakes they make. I do college prep and everything, but I still don’t get the opportunities that can boost me a bunch. My community is so biased and set in its ways. The rich and popular get the opportunities and the people who might not be at good at everything aren’t given the support they need. Instead left to rot and fend for themselves. I’m not that popular but I’m smart enough. I get a 4.0 and now higher with CP but I still don’t get the same opportunities as those with money and friends and in lower classes, who don’t try that hard and are just given it because people like them. Well sorry, I’m not that good at talking to people. Another thing is my mom is a recovering alcoholic. She has been clean for almost 3 years, but she is close to drinking again. I’m terrified she will relapse again because I remember what it was like when she did drink. I never knew what version of her would come home. Whether it was safe to get in the car and let her drive or not. I was about 7 when I realized the problem. I never realized that how she acted wasn’t normal. That the smell on her breath shouldn’t be there. I guess I just too naive to figure out what was going on, to notice. Nobody told me her drinking problem. Didn’t wanna mess with my childhood I guess. By the time I turned 9, it was worse than ever. I remember one time she walked into my daycare to pick me up and the teacher took her aside and my grandpa had to come pick me up. My mom and I fought tooth and nail with each other every day. It was never a good idea to get us into a room together. But it is just me and her, so how can it be helped? One time on the way to dance, it was 9 am on a Saturday during the winter. We were driving on a back road and it was slick with ice. We recked. I was later told my mom was drinking. I still don’t think so because I didn’t smell it on her breath and it was 9 am, early for her to start drinking. I still don’t know. I was still rather naive about her drinking at the time and didn’t know to look for it when I was with her. That wasn’t the first time I was in a car accident with her. I remember being terrified to get in the car, scared of what I’ll see. Empty Budlight cans littering the floor and her being annoyed and irritated and drunk. Or her being her rare sober self and it being a quiet evening. Also during this time, our daycare classes after school split me and my friends into a different class. They were all together, and I was alone with a bunch of kids I didn’t know very well. I have never been very good at communicating so this was a nightmare for me. I had no one to talk to and it got to the point where my friends stopped talking to me. I was stuck alone with my mom and not really anyone to help. One time, my grandpa picked me up from daycare and took me home. He said my mom was staying with some friends and should be back tomorrow, but she didn’t come back. I didn’t see her for four days and nobody would tell me anything. I didn’t even know if she was still alive. My friends knew but instead of telling me they just held it over my head. I later found out my mom had been admitted to rehab and I would be able to see her once a month and until then I would stay with my grandpa. She was stuck in that program for about a year, and about 2 months in, I was allowed to see her on the weekends. It was hell. None of my friends were really talking to me and all I had was my grandpa who was hard of hearing and is rather quiet. She is on the verge of drinking again and if something similar happens again, I’m not sure I can handle it. I can barely handle day to day life, let alone that. I just try to avoid my mom and not talk to her much, so I won’t bother her or cause her to start drinking again.
The point of that whole rant was I’m really tired of faking it every day. I don’t wanna try my hardest and get my hopes up just to get disappointed looks and my hopes crushed. I try to put a wall up between me and my feelings, but my anxiety creeps in everytime and the walls cracks and everything floods through. I stay up till midnight every night doing homework and if I happen to have finished earlier that night, I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. I wanna just give up, like what is the point of doing the homework, but I’m scared to let my grades slip. I try to act how people expect me and its been working so far I guess. I wanna go to a counselor something just to make this constant feeling of hopelessness and exhaustion to stop. I’ve been seriously debating suicide. I was doing “suicide research” when I discovered this website. From what I researched I was thinking Tylenol and Aleve because they are easy to get and take it over the course of a couple of hours. I’ve read liver failure is one of the most painful ways to die, and I’m to chicken. People say it will get better and it will but I don’t know how to get the help I need without letting my mom know. Thing is I can’t really get help because we don’t have health care right now because we can’t afford it and the one friend I told offered to let her mom help but with medical stuff, my mom would have to know and then everyone would also know. She can’t keep a secret to save her life. If I do try and survive, I don’t want everyone looking at me and knowing that I tried to take my life. Of facing the judgment. Any advice if you got through that mess of words? It would be really appreciated.
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
I don’t think I can continue this life anymore. I’ve been struggling with anxiety for about 6 years and major depression for 2 years.
I only have a couple friends. They are my only friends, but we don’t see each other much because one of them works a lot, and the other lives a state away.
It feels like I’m wasting my life away. I haven’t done anything spectacular or fun. I’ve never dated anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never had a large group of friends. I’ve always been the outcast, the invisible one, the freak.
No one really cares about me. I know they say that they do, and a part of me wants to believe them. At the same time, I’ve been betrayed and lied to, and my trust is thin with everyone around me.
School has been stressing me out and making my mental state worse. I’ve missed a few doses of my antidepressants (my fault, really) but I don’t even think they’re working anymore.
My entire school has tried raising awareness for mental health, but it feels like a complete joke. People write generic words of encouragement like, “It’ll be okay,” or “You are loved,” but it feels so forced that it disgusts me. Some teachers have even been caught making jokes of mental illnesses.
I know my school’s goal was to make everyone feel secure and cared for, but it didn’t work for me. I just felt like I was dying inside little by little, watching everyone trying to understand mental illness and destigmatize things. I felt like I was a pariah because it dawned on me that mental illness is misunderstood because most people don’t have to battle it on a daily basis.
My own mother has told me that she doesn’t care if I died anyway. In her mind, everyone dies, and when that time comes, it comes. She said that she’d be sad for some time, but that she’ll learn to grieve and accept it. My parents have a $15,000 life insurance policy on me, every since I was a baby, just in case something happens.
I wonder every day what it’d be like if I wasn’t plagued with mental illnesses. It could have been worse – I could have been born with severe learning disabilities, physical disabilities, etc as a result of being born extremely premature, but I just wish I didn’t have my own mind tell me that I’m not worth anything to anyone.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything hurts. I’m lonely, incredibly lonely, and I’m insignificant to anyone around me. Even my friends can probably live their lives without me.
Every friend I’ve had has ditched me and I’ve told my friend so much about my mental health that if I tell her I want to kill myself, she’d get sick of me complaining about how terrible my life is, and push me away. She’d probably think that I’m saying that to get attention, since I always tell her fucked-up things about my mental state. I tell her so much that I’m afraid that she’ll stop believing me, but everything I say, she is the only person I can trust with that information.
I love my friend. She’s the only person that listens to me and takes me seriously. My family can’t do that. Everything I say to them goes in one ear and out the other or they make me feel invalidated.
I just don’t want my friend to think that I’m an attention seeker. I’m terrified of saying the wrong things to her, but at the same time, she’s the only one that I feel comfortable telling. I’ve told her things that I would never tell anyone else, but I wonder if she’s ever gotten sick of me for it. I wonder if she’s ever wanted to quit talking to me because of it.
I guess I don’t want to be a burden on her.
I’m scared to tell her the true state of my mental health. She knows about all of my mental disorders, but she doesn’t know the extent of them all, or how far they have pushed me. I try my best to not let my mental illnesses show around her or bring them up anymore because I don’t want her to pity me or be sad.
I’ve never actually severely harmed myself nor have I ever attempted suicide, but the thoughts of suicide are increasing with each stressor of mine, and with each little thing.
It sounds ridiculous, but the workload of school makes me anxious, depressed, and therefore suicidal. Honestly, that’s never happened to me before. Normally, those thoughts never occur due to school.
I know it’s foolish to take your own life over schoolwork, but it’s so overwhelming that my anxiety spikes. My anxiety is the worst mental disorder of all that I have. It’s the one that I’ve struggled with the longest and the demon that I have yet to conquer.
Other than school, I either sleep all day, use the computer, or listen to music.
I don’t have anything to do besides that.
I quit my job because it was interfering with my schoolwork, even though my doctor suggested that I should get a job to help alleviate the emptiness and boredom that I feel inside.
I’m lost. I don’t know where to turn. Death feels like an escape from a dark, lonely life; however, one of the things holding me back is the fact that I don’t know what happens after death – where I go or what I do.
I can’t keep all of this to myself anymore. I want to tell my friend; I just don’t know how she’ll take it. I don’t want to be whisked away to an expensive emergency room or sent off to a mental health facility because I don’t want people to assume I need immediate care. I don’t want people to assume I’m crazy.
Any ideas of how to tell my friend without bothering her?
Sorry that I ranted and rambled so much.
Sorta upset. Sorta not. Mostly disgruntled. Okay, I’m pretty upset.
Its my birthday in a few days.. April 15th. I’m turning 18. Having a dumb party and all that good shit. Which.I’m excited about, yeah. But after that I have to take my fucking GED test that I’ve been studying for for years now on top of regular high school. (Its a weird homeschool situation.) sorta upset I had to drop out. That my high school diploma I would get if I didn’t drop out wouldn’t even count. Really upset that I have to take this dumb fucking test. I just want to pass. I’m so stressed out.
I have to take this test and find a job and a car and go to college for something I don’t even know what and move out in the next few months. Its just so much and I lie awake at night just thinking about it and dreading it. I haven’t done shit with my life. I suddenly have to do all this bullshit and figure out what I’m doing for the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I like! I don’t know what I can do that I would like to do and not starve doing it. I don’t know if that’s even possible. Plus the dept of college…
All my dad can to is still me about what I want to do and tell me about different jobs but I just don’t know! Nothing’s realistic!
And, on top of this I’ve had so many people and pets die. I’ve had two grandparents become diagnosed with late stage 4 terminal cancer, my grandad die, my grandmother grieve and is in the hospital now, and, of all things, my other grandmother get a stage 2 breast cancer.
My dog and cat even died. My pets i had for 14 years.. My grandad..
If that’s not enough my Mother has been making me fuckin insane! She’s been a lunatic! I understand her dad died and she has to grieve but she doesn’t have to go batshir crazy and make me suffer.
She’s been drinking every night she’s off work, and drinking herself to oblivion then acts like a manic. She will scream at my sister, dad and myself and wail and ***** and slam shit. She’s in the living room now, without two days of sleep, drunk out of her mind.
I just.. I have so much going on and I ***** to my friends too much as is. dont want to be a burden. But I don’t know what to do. I wish this was easier. I can’t even pay for college let alone enroll in it. I just want out of this whole fucking mess! I’m sick and tired of everything.
Why do I only think about all this at night, anyhow?
Can’t think of a good title..
Anyhow, the consensus is that life is so fucking god awful that I can’t even kill myself to help out.
There’s so much awful shit going on. Where do I begin? Oh. Well, my grandparents both have cancer now.
My parents have been trying to help by sending healthy foods to them when they have been devouring shit food all their lives. But they still sneak around to other family members and let them buy them junk food..( I can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves.) They’re waiting on a god sent miracle to heal them from cancer. I don’t think it’s coming
If this whole cancer ordeal has taught me anything its that God is either the shittiest, most awful being, with the WORST sense of humor ever, or simply isn’t there..
Whatever the reason, I’m fucking tired. Angry at “god”, angry at my grandparents, parents and myself.
I even had to stay over and help them. I’m not complaining about helping them, but.. I heard my grandad wailing in pain all night. Calling out to Jesus. I’m ready for this to end. I think he is too.
The whole thing has made my mother fucking unbearable( like she wasn’t already. ) I can’t stand her normally. But she’s crazy now. I understand her parents are dying, but.. I don’t know. You think you could not make my life any more of a living hell than it already is? Its not like she knows, anyhow, I learned the hard way that i can’t have any sort of sharing relationship with her. I’ve all but stopped telling her about my life and… She hasn’t noticed. She didn’t listen when I did talk, anyways.
My dad.. Is.. Better. Close minded with some subjects, though. Set in his ways? I don’t know. I’ve never been close to him. I grew away from him when I was young. He was mean, and drank. But they both did- still do- and that’s another story. He’s better now, no doubt
(hell of Christian parents, aren’t they?)
I’ve gotten off track now.
I would like to personally thank myself for getting high as fuck last night and feeling like Shit for stealing my parents’ weed. Yeah. (Way to go. I’m a peice of shit) I would also love to thank my dad for reminding me that I have 2 months until I have to take my ged! Fucking horray. That I have to have to be in college or have a job by then. When I can’t even get a job because I’m not fucking old enough to work normal hours. Lets not even mention the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life in the slightest.
I’ve came to the conclusion that if I fail my ged I’m probably just going to kill myself- but let’s hope not. It sounds pathetic. Really is. I really hate myself because I have no love for anything in this world besides art and videogames and you can’t make a living drawing without starving.
I’m so stressed out I just want to cut or fucking die but it would cause so many more problems for my family. But what’s the point? Suicide is the biggest “fuck you,” right? Say goodbye to my mentally abusive parents with a bang. Fuck you guys!
But what about my pets? My sister? Grandparents are dragging her down pretty far with a shiny new eating disorder. Excellent. Just excellent- and I’m so emotionally unavailable I can’t even begin to help her. I can’t say something to my parents. They’d make it worse.
I feel like the easy way out is the worst. But is it the best? I can’t decide. Pros and cons, I guess. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m ready to pass beyond that great curtain of flesh when I can’t even decide for myself what’s there.
Did you know the bible tells you to straight up deny scientific fact and rely solely on faith alone? Crazy, right?
Oh yeah. I almost forgot that I love my best friend (of the same gender no less) and she doesn’t even notice… God must really like me, huh. My whole family would.. Geez. I don’t know- they’re southern Christians so take your pick of awful things that could happen.
Thanks for reading my absolute sarcastic mess of a rant. Ciao for now.
After around 20 years of contemplating suicide and one attempt 15 years ago (when I was 14) I’ve got a plan… but it requires a bit of a wait.
I’ve come to realize how much it would hurt my mother, emotionally and physically, if I were to end it now. She’s 70 and has moved in with me because she can’t do everything that she used to be able to do. Ever since I was born she’s dedicated her all to bringing me up and has said if I were to ever die she would too, of a broken heart. Now the roles are switched and she relies on me for a lot of things.
It filled me with a lot of guilt when she mentioned how it would hurt her but it helped me put my situation into perspective. I just have to outlive her and then I can take care of everything else. If family curses are true, that gives me about a decade…
I know I’ll likely grow to resent this situation but as my username suggests, I’m officially just going through the motions until I can finally be free. In the meantime I plan on posting here to tell my story, if only for myself.
Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
Movie / movies is better than reality / real life / real world
Video game / games is better than reality / real world / real life
Novel /novels is better than reality / real-life / real-world /
Sci-fi / Science-fiction is better than reality / reallife / realworld
Fantasy is better than reality / real world / real life
Anime / manga is better than reality / realworld / reallife
Dream / dreams is better than reality / real-world / real-life
I hate reality !!!!
Reality it’s all about MONEY !!!!!!
Reality is BORING !!!!
Real world is boring ! real-world is boring ! realworld is boring !
Real life is boring ! real-life is boring ! reallife is boring !
and people are stupid , ignorant , shallow , superficial !!
I wish I could live in Imagination
I wish I could live in movie / movies
I wish I could live in video game / video games
I wish I could live in novel / novels
I wish I could live in fantasy
I wish I could live in sci-fi /science fiction
I wish I could live in anime / manga
I wish I could live in dream / dreams
I wish I have superpower
I wish I could be a superhero / superheroes
I wish I could have MAGIC
I wish MAGIC exist / exists
because this REALITY is boring !! REALITY is just TOO FUCKING BORING !!
people who can’t see this are usually just stupid , unimaginative, dull / boring themselves , lacking / lack in imagination !
this real world / this real life / this reality is very LIMITED / LIMITING in what I can do / what we can do !!!!
it’s all about MONEY !!!
‘Success’ , everything is measured by MONEY !!! I hate Money !!!
We live in a very LIMITED / LIMITING real world / real life / reality EVERYDAY !!!!
Imagination is better than reality !!
Imagination is much better than reality !!! . . .
maybe I should just commit suicide , than living in this reality / real-world / real-life
I am a loser in this real world / I am a failure in this real-world
I am a loser in this real life / I am a failure in this real-life
I am a loser in this reality / I am a failure in this reality