Illusions of Improvement…Filial Duty

Life is funny for some of us.  As long as we keep toiling and hanging on the moments of joy and peace are fleeting and teasing like a contest at a county fair or a playful friend.

And then one decides on ones own demise.  One makes final preparations and gets the methiods ready. One goes through the process of releasing oneself from the cares of the world.

And then life wants to pull out the spinning backfist to the kidneys while you are looking at death.  And it hits in one of those places that cannot be ignored.  Sometimes if it is something for the self, one can easily ignore.  But if one’s compassion is ouched then things get so much harder.

My grandmother is having knee surgery in a few days.  We already have to do a lot for her because she is 81.  Mind still sharp but after gettingher hip replaced two years ago she’s been pretty down.  Since she knows that I am no longer working my main job, she asked me to come and help her through recovery.

This woman took me in and raised me.  And even though we were very poor I would have probably been way wore off if she had not. I’d have probably been a crack baby or a heroin baby if it were not for her.

I think she knows.  In that funny way older people know.  She called me to come by her home and I went.  And shegave me a hug and kissed me.  And as usual offered me something to eat because she said she knows that as a single guy I do not get good meals.

And then she looked me dead in the face and told me “You are finally leaving us for good aren’t you. But then you never wanted to be here in the first place.  And you are sick too but you will never admit it to anyone,  At least stay around for a few months and help your old granny out.”

I just hugged her, told her I loved her and told her I would call her by the time she goes to surgery to answer.  Seems like life still has ways to screw with a person doesn’t it.  I’m confused and just really out of sorts.  I hit the bag for a few rounds and now i’m going to eat the plate she made for me.

On top of that a financial opportunity that is damn near perfect came knocking on my voicemail.

But the cancer is going to do me in by the end of next year without treatment so it really is a moot point.  Not wasting any more resources on their poisons.

I thought I could be completely selfish.  I thoughtI I was beyond everything. And then the one person who I can never say no to…..  Damn you life…. damn you to hell for messing with me on the brink of death…..damn me for not being able to conquer my emotions.

I was not going to post again until the end of the week.  But I had nobody else to tell.

Sorry for rambling my friends and I bid all of you an evening of the least amount of suffering and pain.