The lines in my hands
tell you their wisdom
while the tears in my eyes
tell you I’ve cried
the things they’ve done
and what they’ve seen
haunt me by day and night
While fireflies go across the sky
My regrets and mistakes crowd in
choking me and making me disappear
beneath their heaving darkness
A bloody cross
is all I see
condemning me to silence
for eternity
Without a voice
without a word
I become invisible
78 comments
Good for you. Does that mean you’re not emotionless and lost anymore?
not sure. depends, since I have to learn how to love first. prob still lost though heheh
I hope you are found soon.
I think it’s more a matter of finding myself than others finding me. Or maybe I do need to be found by someone else, in order to find myself. Or something like that.
I don’t know, I just know I’m lost because I don’t know what’s true and what’s not about my entire life and self.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I think I need to go on a journey of discovery too. Like some sort of an adventure.
oooh that would be fun. I would have to bring somebody along though, cuz I hate being lonely, which is what I am most of the time. lol I’ll bring my boyfriend. 😀
Ok, but if he let’s you down I will consider allowing you to tag along, providing you don’t cramp my style. 🙂
Lol I have my own style and would prob just wander off without anybody noticing…. 🙂
But sure!!! I’ll tag a long until I get lost. haha that’ll happen anyways
I think that it would be wise for at least one of us to remain sober and carry all the luggage. I vote that that person should be you.
dude no way!!! I’m short and a girl!!!!
First you wanted the vote, then equal pay and now this. I’m all for equality so being short and a girl is no excuse for not pulling your weight.
I’ll pull my weight, but only my weight. not your guys’ also. so like. a backpack.
What! I’ve agreed to carry the beer. What more assistance could I possibly give you.
I can’t drink legally, so that isn’t helpful. Plus, how can you like beer? Vodka is totally better lol.
Man, you’re already cramping my style. Look, I agreed to let you be my sidekick so I make the rules.
Well, I would probably take power from you eventually so…..yeah. Cuz that’s just how I roll. And have you even HAD vodka? It’s AMAZING!
This trip is for grown ups so you’re going go have to behave yourself. Your not allowed to drink vodka. I can’t believe the legal age for purchasing alcohol is 21 when it’s 18 in most other countries. I think that’s why there are so many young Americans on this site. They have had their freedom to enjoy all the good stuff in life taken away from them. Alcohol actually opens the door to a lot of cool stuff.
So where are we going to go?
Europe and Asia. or like all over the world. Lots of places.
And how is this trip for adults only when I wanted to go in the first place, and people just joined?
What people have joined? As you can see it’s just us. Anyway, that’s not even the problem. The problem is how we are going to fund this epic. Europe is not so far for me, I can catch the train. I’m in a financial downturn at the moment but I’m working on various plans. Ok, we are going to have to combine our money but as I’m the only grown up, I get to decide the budget to ensure that we have important stuff like beer.
The only way I can think of to get around this problem is to ask One_day whether she wants to join us. That way, we can be supplemented. I know what your thinking, she’s really going to cramp our style but we are not in a position to be making demands.
I’m going on a legal visit. Two hours to ask two questions. What a waste of time.
Catch you later.
Have fun!!!!!
Not likely. So, have you got any better ideas.
How old are you anyway?
16 😀
Ah sweet 16.
I think our plans are going to have to be shelved on the basis that neither of us can afford to fund this epic adventure. It’s was a nice idea while it lasted 🙁
PS if you move to Europe you can legally purchase alcohol in less than 2 years from now. That would be reason enough for me anyway.
Actually, In holland you can drink alcohol when you are 16. (beer and wine and other “lighter” aloholic beverages, so not whiskey or vodka)
Holland! Yep let’s all move to Holland where every type of vice is socially acceptable.
Anyway, all of my friends seem to have left this site and it doesnt feel the same anymore. Ive found some other sites but talking to non suicidal people feels weird. I suppose I could at least try to be more normal.
I am still here Duke, i thought we were friends dude 😛 but i could totally live in Italy, didnt want to come home.. As if you two are dropping this epic adventure.. Your letting the side down man lol
Thanks Crimson but thats the way it has to be as much as I actually liked the idea of an annoying sidekick.
Oke good! Im looking forward to see you all in Holland. Let me know when the adventure starts, I can start collecting a big amount of alcohol and weed for us to use.
@ Christina
Sound like a plan. It’s just getting there and I blow money like nobodies business.
Meh. I’m gonna go everywhere possible when I’m older. It’s gonna be my job or something. like Photography or such. idk. and being 16 is not that sweet. Technically, I didn’t even have a birthday, since nobody remembered it. lol depressing right? even my parents…
No one remembered your birthday! I don’t really bother with mine much anymore these days. I was never the type of person who liked making a fuss and it just reminds me of everything that’s wrong. There are lots of careers that might enable you to travel. Hey if I win the scoop6 our problems are all over.
Oh i got some money set aside.. Not much but it would get me at least a plane journey. But when i do, i dont plan on comming back.
I have $87. and one penny. lol. GOING TA CANADA!!!!! lol jk already been there
You guys live in America. Surely there’s lots to do there.
Plenty to do here in the states … if you can afford to pay top dollar
poor dawg
I dont live in America.. I am English. Nothing round here to do, i might go have a look at some package holidays…. I am so entirely restless today
I English too but I live in the midlands because of my crappy job. The midlands is a real shithole just like most parts of the country these days. I’m trying to get one in Gloucestershire which is where my family live but I’ve had no luck.
I thought you only just cane back from holiday. I havnt been in years. I’ve worked for 7 years and have nothing to show for it except 7 years of misery. I have two degrees and am still struggling to get a job. I think that they don’t want to take me on because they know I will leave as soon as something better comes along and they don’t want to pay me very much.
Any country that has some form of socialized medicine is better that the medieval “health system” the states has … bottom line … if you’re poor, you suffer and die … God bless freedom (snicker)
slave dawg
I believe that England can be an absolutely fantastic country with so much to offer. It can be fair and rewarding. It’s just all the people who ruin it. That’s the problem. But in some parts the people are much nicer and that’s where I have been trying to get.
Anyway, I think I need a holiday and that’s what I’m working towards. I’ve already agreed to allow emotionlessandlost to be my annoying sidekick so I’m kindof stuck with her. Providing she doesn’t get lost somewhere.
Yeah duke, i just got back from Italy on Saturday evening. My dad paid for that holiday.. My first holiday in ten years.. Was amazing, but now i got itchy feet, i want to get up and move again.. Bearing in mind i have moved 9 times in the last 4 years… I was left some inheritance money when a granparent died, i am saving this for my “die” fund.. May as well have a big blow out first.
I used to live in Nottingham Duke, but back to my hometown at the moment in the northeast.
Ah Nottingham
I stayed there on a 4 week murder trial and got absolutely sozzled every day. I used to frequent the trip to Jerusalem. There are lots of decent places to eat like Loch Fyne, Harts, World Service and 1860.
How come you have a die fund anyway. I thought you had kids.
I’d come visit you guys in merry olde england and rove the countryside slamming pints at every tavern in every sleepy hamlet – but I’ll never be able to get a passport :/
there’s a little bird over there with an outrageously freaky imagination who’d be very excited if I ever landed on the english shores
Ahh well … I can dream …
fantasy dawg
I have a child yeah, she takes up most of my spare money, so its money i set aside for when the time comes.
Dawg how come you wouldnt get a passport? Id love to visit USA again, got a couple of stops to make quite far apart.. Arizona, california and colarado.. I doubt that will happen though.
I suppose every country seems good, like the grass being greener on the other side. Except for places like Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Antarctica etc… Although I wouldn’t mind Antarctica I get on well with the penguins. I’m sure they would accept me as one of their own and we could huddle together when it’s cold and go fishing. I don’t suppose flights there are readily available.
Yeah but isn’t your daughter something to live for. You can do lots of cool stuff together like bake biscuits and plant flowers or vegetables in the garden and wait for them to grow.
CR – the short answer is child support – you see, here in the land ‘freedom” and “fairness” they won’t adjust your payments lower “just because” you can’t find a good paying job … and once you fall behind, they start suspending licenses and denying things like passports … eventually they’ll jail you … which if/when that time arrives … well I’m sure you understand.
debtors prison dawg
Every citizen should be entitled to a passport. It’s a basic human right.
nope – it’s purely a “privilege” … can’t let the serfs escape … gotta keep squeezing them turnips.
veggie dawg
And also, it’s a civil debt. They shouldn’t be able to jail you. Otherwise you would be classed as a criminal, having broken no laws.
Erk, that sucks totally. My mum and dad used to live in America, my brothers we born over there, my mum missed England my dad quit his job and they moved home. I mean i like england as such.. But i cant win.. I move away i miss my family.. I move home and i cant hack it.. So the cycle repats all over again.
Duke.. Unfortunately as selfish as it may seem, while i love my daughter very very much, she will be better off without me. We already do bake and plant our own veg, go for walks, i taughther to ride her bike (with stabilisers) and her first scooter.
She is a very bright and beautiful little girl, but while i am no longer fumbling around in the dark, i know my path and have accepted my fate.
CR that’s the worst thing you can do it will ruin her life. She won’t be better off as an orphan. You should be putting maximum effort into finding an alternative solution. There is one you just can’t see it at the moment. I know bipolar people who go through bouts where they can function perfectly well. Bipolar is so much more difficult to deal with.
@Duke – understood – I could run up millions in credit debt and as long as it wasn’t in any way fraud, i’d be free to do as I please … but child support isn’t quite the same … failure to pay he mandated amount FOR ANY REASON is considered contempt of court …. I don’t need to tell you that that means you can be jailed indefinitely at the court’s discretion … the original reason and intend for suspending licenses and denying freedoms in regards to child support was to force those who WILLFULLY avoid their responsibility to pay up … instead they’ve applied it to working or laid off poor folks without any regard to the person’s intent or ability to actually produce the mandated amount … so … in my case … I once had a good job and paid regularly and on time … when the economy collapsed (and a few other unfortunate things) I found myself making about 75% less money … so like a good honest citizen, I filed for a reduction and got a 6 month temporary reduction … this continued over and over again … I kept asking them to make it permanent and got denied …. then one time I missed the court date … and on the next court date i could not attend when my vehicle died the morning of the hearing – I called them to cancel …. the hearing was rescheduled … when I arrived I apologized profusely to the court and proceeded … then time for the judge to decide, the judge proceeded to lambaste me for “wasting the courts time” and trying to “game the system” … judge ordered original amount reinstated RETROACTIVE to my original filing and threw out my entire petition telling me I’d have to restart it from square one … needless to say, I STILL earn 75% less than my original wage.
So … barely able to survive as it is and with less than 2 years to go … I just stopped paying since the whole deal is a farce and “fairness” does not apply … oh … I should mention that AT ANY TIME, my son’s mom could have just agreed to the reduction and allowed the court to make it permanent (until there was any other substantial change) … but she is a vindictive c|_|nt …
so … there is but one of my devolving webs of despair … bottom line is, in the spirit of the law I was not the type of person the system was supposed to squash … but machines that big and powerful don’t really care who they squash or why.
flat dawg
Yep, thats me selfish. I cant take her with me so i have to leave her behind. Its not her fault she didnt ask to be born into this. I am still here Duke, after 24 years of fighting, struggling. I miss my friend so much, it breaks my heart everyday.
I told my doctor today that i think of hurting myself / suicide everyday.. My doctor basically said ok, i will up your supply from two weeks to a month, come back in a month… Awesome… Really…
Sorry my heads jumbled tonight i keep skipping.
I argh my thought are bad today, the demon in my head, i just want to rip my skin off gauge out my eyes, leap off a building…
So, if you don’t have money, why not quit your job and live like that one guy who goes and doesn’t have money or a home but loves his life now more than before. And yes this guy DOES exist. In America. surprisingly. Or you could live in a cave. like that one really old dude did. till he died at like 90 something. I would do it, but I can’t do that just yet. 2 years. thats it. then I’ll prob just disappear without a trace. ah. but if you have kids that might be a problem… 🙁
Sometimes you have to break through the pain barrier. Each day might be a struggle to cope, but as you say you have lasted 24 years. There is no reason why you cannot see out another 24 years. You have to do it for your daughter because you knew that when you brought her into this world.
@ emotionlessandlost
When you started this post, could you have imagined it would have ended up with so many comments and on the topic it has reached. It’s like life, we don’t know where it will take us and anything can happen.
I became a self harmer at 3 years old. Everyday is a struggle. Theres is not a day that passes that i dont want to die. Pain barrier? I experience flashbacks when ever i enter my dads house. I was attacked and raped in his house.
I am severely struggling today, its a bad day. You can only fight for so long. Im tired, really tired, i could sleep, for a long time, i could so easily stop fighting… But i struggle on,
CR
You are not the only one who has been through those things. A lot of people on this site have. I know that what happened to you keeps playing on your mind because it’s compounded by everything else. That’s to be expected. But there are ways to address the problem by finding a medication that at the very least makes things tolerable and discussing what happened with a councillor. You were raped but that’s nothing for you to feel ashamed about. You can be a strong and independent women in time. You just have to approach each problem in an orderly manner. Look at all of the things people have said would never be achieved only to be proved wrong. You just need a little help right now.
@duke
eh no I never thought it would turn into all this but hey, it’s interesting and I think that in a way we are all taking something from it. I guess. meh.
@Crimson
if it’s that horrible, don’t go into that house. Nobody’s forcing you.
Ok, in 2 years you can join me on the European tour on the proviso that you don’t annoy me by complaining about my drinking habits. Then we can set sail for Asia pacific, briefly stopping by the article circle to visit some penguins and conduct scientific experiments before passing through south America and returning home.
I am already on meds, i have already been to councillors and psychiatrists. Ivr already been diagnosed, but its bollox. Borderline personality disorder and schizophrenia. Stopped taking my meds moved countries and here i am now.
@emotion.. I dont go in the house, i dont see my dad, so i put up with the flashbacks. I never told my parents it happened either
CR there are people out there with similar mental health problems yet they are living proof that treatment can to an extent provide relief. The mind is like a safe with a combination lock. In order to unlock it, you have to try a lot of different combinations. But if you give up because it’s too difficult, you will never know what is inside and you might have lost something far more valuable than you ever imagined.
I understand what you are saying duke, but today is just one of those days where even a puppy couldnot cheer me up. The only thing i can do is sleep and hope tomorrow is a brighter day. I do have good days, i also have really bad days, unfortunstely today is just that… A bad day.
Todays a bit of a going day for me as you can probably gather from my unusual coherence and fluency. Don’t feel the need to stay up on my account. I know it’s nearly 11:30.
How on earth can anyone on this site still be depressed when Christina is stockpiling booze and weed for us all and it’s an open invitation for everyone on SP.
I’m SOOO there!
travel dawg
In all this time I have never seen you attach the same word to your signature. I’m going to note them down from now. It’s almost as if it’s planned and well thought out.
it happens occasionally
ditto dawg 😉
I know for a fact that I’ve re-used “happy”, “sad” and “bad” on more than one occasion … and sometimes I use a word as a suffix instead of a prefix … and on rare occasion I use multiple words
dictionary dawg of doom 😉
Goodnight Dawg
Sleepy Duke 😉 Zzzzzz
pleasant dreams my friend
sandman dawg