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i want to disappear but not die?

by randomthoughts57
written by randomthoughts57

I don’t really know what do with myself anymore. I think that these thoughts are gone but they aren’t. I finally had gotten rid of them but they came back. I don’t even know why I have them too. I have a great life and I am very grateful. So why the heck do I still feel like this.

My thoughts are that I just want to leave. For ever not to another state just leave this earth. But I don’t want to die? I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to disappear from this earth and everyone forget I was a person. But although I have these thoughts I don’t have much of a reason. And that’s why I feel so trapped. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel this way since nothing traumatic has really ever happened in my life. I just feel hopeless. Stuck.

I want to leave but I don’t want people to suffer. That’s the thing is that I know people will suffer I know people care for me. So I just don’t understand. I just hate myself not others. This honestly has nothing to do with other people. That’s why I won’t ask for help. I don’t even know what I would say in the first place. Because again I feel like I don’t have a reason to feel this way. Like I feel like a bad person for feeling this way when I don’t have a reason to.

Ugh I don’t know what to do anymore hopefully writing on this website will help me find why I may be feeling this way. Hopefully it does because at this point im tired. Im tired of feeling happy and the second im alone with my emotions I start all this drama in my head. Im tired of feeling out of place and people thinking I have no reason to feel this way. Maybe I do. And that brings back to my point on why I keep quiet. Any time I bring it up people always ask me why? Why would you feel that way. I have sooo much more trauma that you have ever seen. And yea they have a point. But the truth that they don’t understand is I don’t know why i feel this way. I just can’t explain it. I just do.

So I just want to leave this planet. Make everyone forget I existed. That I was never born. Because im tired of feeling this way and feeling confused. Because I feel bad that I feel this way because it’s just first world problems? Right? People just don’t understand that if I could understand what is wrong with me I would be so glad. But the truth is I don’t know either.

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General

Hi, I’m blue

by blue.
written by blue.

Hi guys, I finished ‘My heart and other black holes’ a few minutes ago. I was reading it second time. Why? Because I feel so bad. I know that I have a lot of mental health problems… yeah… who haven’t here… but sometimes is worse. You know this time in your life (day, week, month) when you feel worse. Worse than normal. I don’t know what I want to say in this post. Maybe I need some space to write about my feelings. I study abroad in London from September. That was my dream, this is my dream. I had been thinking about it since primary school and now I am here. I should be happy propably, yeah… but I am not, not at all (and sorry my English sometimes sucks but I try my best okay xD). I am on good Uni, I have friends (here not many but I have not problem with meeting new people and I have a lot of friends from my country so we can write on Messenger all the time), I like my body/face/apparence, I have a lot of plans for my future- I know what I want to be. So why I am not satisfied? Why I feel so blue? I cry and think about comitte suicide a lot. But I don’t wanna die. Because if I die I won’t be able to realize my plans. I’ll never be satisfied.

blue.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

19:49

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.

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General

8:55pm

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

long time no post!!!

i always randomly remember i have this account right when i need it. a whole lot has happened since the last time i posted anything, and honestly it hasn’t been too bad; bearable, i’d say. obviously, there’s many times i wanna sleep forever (guess who still isn’t able to sleep properly!!!!) but on may of last year i started going to university, so i don’t have much time to do anything basically. it’s definitely been an experience and i’m mostly happy about it; i feel like i chose something i could be good at. i just fear that everything that has happened won’t ever let me rest, let’s say. i don’t know how to explain it.

i’m scared, honestly. i don’t want to be alone again, but i feel like i am… and i don’t know how to feel about that lol. i read my previous posts and they sound really dramatic, though it’s like i conveyed what i was feeling at the time very well; i was able remember most of the things i said after reading them, and very vividly. i suppose i’m not too bad at writing! that’s a relief since what i’m studying has a little bit to do with that? headaches are still going strong, but i’m thinking about talking to someone about everything; my thoughts are getting exhausting

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its me, im new

by unknown
written by unknown

I came across this website tonight as I was drowning in my tears looking for a way out of this hell hole. not sure what im doing here, but this feels right. I need somewhere to write my thoughts and I need someone to listen. so here it is, my name is hannah (as you can see by my username which I didn’t know I couldn’t change.) I am not okay. I am depressed. and today I realized this when I was asked if I was okay and I cried before I could even say “im fine” as I would usually say. I have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. constant thoughts of suicide, even if I wouldn’t act on them they seem to be affecting my everyday life. ive lost all motivation for school, nothing interests me. I have flash thoughts of ways I can die as I get in the car to drive. even at my happiest times theres that thought in the back of my mind that this wont last, and im right. anyways I don’t want to make this super long, but this is me.

goodnight.

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Gary Clark Jr. – When My Train Pulls In

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

 

Lyrics:

 

Everyday nothing seems to change

Everywhere I go I keep seeing the same old things

and I, I can’t take it no more

I would leave this town, but I,

I ain’t got nowhere else to go

–

Wake up in the morning to more,

more bad news and I

sometimes I feel like I was born to lose and I,

It’s driving me out of my mind

Gonna catch the next train and I

move on down the line

–

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I know my time ain’t long and I,

I can’t live this life again – no, no, no

—

Walkin’ down the street you might wanna cross a smiling face, but they’ll

stab you in the back as soon as you turn – walk away –  and I

Oh Lord, it’s bringing me down

If things don’t change around here

ain’t no use in me hanging ’round

–

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I know my time ain’t long around here and I,

I can’t live this life again – no, no, no

 

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GeneralPoetry & Art

The Day

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Original version by the New York Rock & Roll Ensemble (1970):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3kS7OcH87Y

Cover version by Raining Pleasure (2005):

Lyrics:

Sitting in the time of day when the sun is very warm

Dreaming in a kind of way that a dream is always born

Drifting with the things I feel when I put away my will

Sleeping in the time of day when the sun is very still.

–

I’m alone here with you / Take my time, take me too…

–

Leaving in the time of day when the sun is getting cold

Walking in the kind of way when a story has been told

Walking through the things I love and my heart is very still

Hoping that I’ll dream again and I cannot live until.

–

I’m alone, I’m with you / Take my time, take me too…

 

 

P.S.: The lyrics of this song were written by Brian Corrigan (of New York Rock & Roll Ensemble) and the music by Manos Hadjidakis. Michael Kamen (composer, famous from his collaborations with Pink Floyd, Queen, Eric Clapton, David Bowie, Metallica and others) was a member of the New York Rock & Roll Ensemble. Manos Hadjidakis was (and still is) one of the most famous Greek composers. More about them:

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Rock_%26_Roll_Ensemble

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kamen

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manos_Hatzidakis

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GeneralPoetry & Art

The Sound – I Can’t Escape Myself/Hour of Need

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Lyrics:

So many feelings
Pent up in here
Left all alone, I’m with
The one I most fear
I’m sick and I’m tired
Of reasoning
Just want to break out
Shake off this skin
–
I can’t escape myself
–
All my problems
Loom larger than life
I can’t swallow
Another slice
Seems like my shadow
Mocks every stride
Can I learn to live with
What’s trapped inside?
–
I can’t escape myself
–
So many feelings
Pent up in here
Left all alone, I’m with
The one I most fear
I’m sick and I’m tired
Of reasoning
Just wanna break out
Shake off this skin
–
I can’t escape myself
I can’t escape myself
I can’t escape myself

Lyrics:

I hate the quiet times
I need some company
I miss the noise of life
The silence deafens me
–
The seconds split so slow
The minutes I can’t kill
I keep an eye on the time
I catch it standing still
–
In my hour of need
In my hour of need
–
Try to find my place
Sometimes I get so near
I journey aimless days
But always end up here
–
In my hour of need
In my hour of need
In my hour of need
In my hour of need
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GeneralPoetry & Art

The Standells – Paint It Black

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

 

Lyrics:

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colours anymore, I want them to turn black
I see the girls go by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
–
I see a line of cars and they’re all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
It’s like a new born baby, it just happens every day
–
I look inside myself and see my heart turned black
I see my red door I must paint it black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facin’ up, when your whole world is black
–
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin’ sun
My love will laugh at me before the mornin’ comes
–
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colours anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls go by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
–
I want to see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I want to see the sun, blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Got to have it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I want to see the sun, blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
—————————————————————————————————————————————–
There’s also an Italian version – amongst others- of this song (the original was written by The Rolling Stones):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCD5gC4aBF8
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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !

by niki
written by niki

Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.

Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.

I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:

1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.

2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.

3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.

Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.

by niki
written by niki

Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.

I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.

And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”

Bullshit.

People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.

Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.

Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.

I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc

Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !

Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !

I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !

Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !

by niki
written by niki

Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !

Human’s imagination is better than reality !

Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !

I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …

real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !

I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!

Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!

People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !

In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!

in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .

i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …

and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!

I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !

Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !

REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!

better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …

FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!

THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!

in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …

.

.

so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!

if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!

..

.

.

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My Suicide NoteRantsStories of Loss

Section 19×5 Plot 21×10

by Erricjjx7
written by Erricjjx7

Every single minute
Every single hour
Is too late, devoured
Her time had come
Her time had gone
The lyrics are missing, to my song

Every single minute
Every single hour
Was supposed to be ours
Her deed was done
Under a hurting fire
Not only hers to take, expire

She had done much more.

Every single minute
Every single hour
Is too late
3 year
2 year
Of Obligations devoured

All will be finished
All will be done.

“I’m sorry mother”-
Biting my tongue-,

You’ll be missing YOUR heart-,
-missing YOUR son.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

whispers

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

today i, once again, was welcomed by a quiet house; except it wasn’t. they’re avoiding me. as soon as i opened the door, i heard whispers. a lot of them. now they’ve stopped, maybe they think i can’t hear them. although i quite like arriving and having time for myself, i don’t particularly like the fact that, even though they’re still awake, they’re pretending they’re not. it hurts a lot, but whatever; i can’t blame them. i’d pretend to be asleep all the time if i lived with another me, so i can’t really blame them.

the whispers have started again.

although i’m not 100% this time it’s them. lately i’ve been hearing stuff out of nowhere. it’s weird, and keeps me on edge. but it doesn’t happen too often, so it’s bearable i guess.

thoughts i don’t want to think are overwhelming me, they all come at once. my head is a mess right now and i’d say i hope things will be better tomorrow, but i know they won’t be, so there’s no point.

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Chronic PainGeneral

12:25am

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

these past few days have been weird, and i don’t know how to explain it.

i’ve been forgetting to eat, and sleep doesn’t come very easily; when it does come, it brings nightmares and i just keep waking up constantly. really aggressive headaches come and go without explanation. it feels weird.

for about 10 years i’ve had passive suicidal ideations, and active ones as well, but that’s not the point. anyways, they’ve been here for a while. basically, i won’t act up on anything, but i wouldn’t mind if something happened. even though i can’t even remember days where i didn’t feel like this, it seem like no one even suspects it, which honestly surprises me immensely. at first i thought if i made it a bit obvious, maybe people would care, but if i did make it obvious, it’d just burden others. i guess i internalised the second part of that a bit more; i do tend to internalise lots of stuff. i think i just want someone to care. everyone thinks i’m okay, they honestly do; and for the longest time i thought that, if they believe i’m okay, then i can’t be that bad. boy, i was wrong. i remember about two years ago i wanted to tell my mum i wanted to talk to someone because i didn’t think that what i felt was normal, but i never really said anything; something very much like me. i’m rambling quite a lot today; maybe i’m subconsciously trying to reach out, who knows. hopefully tomorrow will be better

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

quiet house

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

tonight when i arrived from work, i was welcomed by silence and lights out, which meant everyone was asleep. i was not surprised, considering i just got here and it’s 11:10 pm. even though i understand why they’re asleep, considering it’s a Tuesday night, i still know that deep down i wish they were waiting for me. but they don’t care that much, and i understand that. i’ve felt very anxious all day, and i don’t know why, considering last night i tried to get more sleep than usual. it’s weird. speaking of weird; today is the birthday of an old friend of mine. she and i went through one of the most painful experiences, at least for me, i’ve ever been through about two years ago. basically our group of friends just dropped us, and once we tried apologising for the misunderstanding, everyone was ignoring us and telling us that we were not the victims, and that they didn’t want to talk to us again. it sounds pretty stupid, and it probably is, but it still really affected me. anyways, considering all this and everything we’d been through, she dropped me, too. out of nowhere, stopped talking to me and just straight up ignored me. she was now friends with the “cool kids” and i think she was embarrassed of being seen with me, so i understand why she’d drop me. it still hurt a lot. but aaaanyways, the point is today’s her birthday, so i sent her a message to congratulate her, even though she forgot or just didn’t care enough about mine. i just hope she still has my number so she knows it’s me.

to change topics drastically; today i considered buying an ukulele, since back at home i used to have a keyboard, and playing it helped me a lot, but i’m not sure. they’re something i’m not sure i can afford, but i do think it’d help me clear my mind. i’ll have to think it over.

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this is me rambling, sorry.

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Chronic PainGeneral

sleep

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

i don’t know why, but i’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. on sunday i went to bed at 4 and woke up at 8. last night i didn’t sleep at all, but i took a nap at 10 because i had to work tonight. and today, here i am. it’s 2:45 and i’m about to go try and sleep. it’s really hard though. most people tell me to just go to bed earlier, but the thing is i just can’t seem to stay asleep for long. i constantly wake up, which makes me more tired. i even noticed how i feel more awake when i barely sleep, which is worrying. i really don’t get it. anyways, today i made a list of really short term goals, to see if it at least makes me a bit excited for the future. let’s hope it does.

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