I don’t really know what do with myself anymore. I think that these thoughts are gone but they aren’t. I finally had gotten rid of them but they came back. I don’t even know why I have them too. I have a great life and I am very grateful. So why the heck do I still feel like this.
My thoughts are that I just want to leave. For ever not to another state just leave this earth. But I don’t want to die? I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to disappear from this earth and everyone forget I was a person. But although I have these thoughts I don’t have much of a reason. And that’s why I feel so trapped. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel this way since nothing traumatic has really ever happened in my life. I just feel hopeless. Stuck.
I want to leave but I don’t want people to suffer. That’s the thing is that I know people will suffer I know people care for me. So I just don’t understand. I just hate myself not others. This honestly has nothing to do with other people. That’s why I won’t ask for help. I don’t even know what I would say in the first place. Because again I feel like I don’t have a reason to feel this way. Like I feel like a bad person for feeling this way when I don’t have a reason to.
Ugh I don’t know what to do anymore hopefully writing on this website will help me find why I may be feeling this way. Hopefully it does because at this point im tired. Im tired of feeling happy and the second im alone with my emotions I start all this drama in my head. Im tired of feeling out of place and people thinking I have no reason to feel this way. Maybe I do. And that brings back to my point on why I keep quiet. Any time I bring it up people always ask me why? Why would you feel that way. I have sooo much more trauma that you have ever seen. And yea they have a point. But the truth that they don’t understand is I don’t know why i feel this way. I just can’t explain it. I just do.
So I just want to leave this planet. Make everyone forget I existed. That I was never born. Because im tired of feeling this way and feeling confused. Because I feel bad that I feel this way because it’s just first world problems? Right? People just don’t understand that if I could understand what is wrong with me I would be so glad. But the truth is I don’t know either.