I started a new job about a month ago. For as long as I hoped to get a position like it, now that I’m in the middle of it, being trained to do what I was hired to do, I feel like I’m falling apart inside. I’m a perfectionist and my training has been a real difficulty. Making so many mistakes and feeling so embarrassed and ashamed…My confidence is gone. I look around me and feel as if I don’t belong there. As if this is what everyone else is thinking but they just won’t come out and say it. I have great doubt that I will get the hang of this job by the time my first 90 days are through. I’m already imagining what I’ll say to the supervisor if I have to eventually admit I’m not ready yet to try all the responsibilities on my own.
The worst part is how isolated I feel and have never really been able to get away from. I’ve got no one but my mother and she doesn’t even seem to like me anymore. Because I worry so much and am not happy. I can’t pretend it anymore and after today’s bunch of mistakes and embarrassments, I returned to the idea of cutting my life short. Just the thought lifts a weight off me that I really need gone. It’s the only thing that stopped my crying today. Remembering I always have the option. I can’t accept I’m any good to the world I live in, and for the people who left and never came back- I get the message. I’m not the one worth saving. Either I’m okay and can live knowing it, or I can’t. And I’m not okay.