Have tried several times to seriously end things. I feel even more stuck than before all of this started. I don’t seem to be able to end it, but I cannot live this life anymore and I am so physically and emotionally weak and can feel the life draining from me. When I do not want to fight and when nobody is there to fight with/for me, what is the point?
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We have to fight for ourselves. There must be something you want.
Two little girls who love you… and one little boy that you have never even met who is going to come home today and still have a mother…
I do not want to fight for myself, because I know now that I am done. There is nothing left
It is coming back, those feelings. I just want to throw it all away, I do not want anything anymore, there is just NO point.
And my little girl still has a mummy because you helped me too. I will be forever grateful to you everlasting. I just wish i could do the same for you. Morrow, i am glad your still here with us, still fighting.. Wish i could give you both a big hug x
Thanks Crimson. I am glad that I have touched a couple of peoples lives now at the end. I really wish I could fight, I wish I could find someone to help me fight, because I cannot do it on my own. I have so very little time left, maybe I will do what I can now at the end.
Just going out now for what might be my last meal, ever.
I would fight for you if it were possible. I need someone to fight for I can’t do it for myself. I only feel human when I feel like a guardian. Only time I’m not focussing on my death is when I feel I’m saving someone else. Though any moment that I’m not protecting someone (which I rarely get a chance to do anyways) I want to die. I should just do it.. I should just get it over with. The one person I was still alive for, the only one in my life before sp who ever listened and understood and cared never really cared in the first place.. Figured that out today. She only seemed to care because it’s her obligation as a teacher to keep me alive. Fuck it I don’t want to live because people say I’m supposed to. No one cares. I’m alone… I mean I thought she loved me.. that’s why I don’t trust. Always get hurt. Wow sorry I got off topic. I think. Just..needed to get that out and honestly Everlasting and Crimson were the ones I kinda wanted to get it out to. And rebel. Idk why..
Just puked up my last meal, nice.
I am actually very tired, more tired than I think anyone realizes. It is actually amazing, I have 5 serious suicide attempts behind me and nobody believes I will actually die, that I will just be around for them as always.
I do not want to fight. I have fought so hard for so long, all on my own, and now people say I have to fight. Bullshit, I have fought, nobody has been there for me, nobody has cared and I am stuck alone in my desperation, why the fuck do I need to fight more. I wish someone could fight for, or at least with me, but there is nobody, again!
Someone took my belts and anesthesia, but now I have found another belt in the cupboard and will just go to the clinic tonight and bag some more drugs, then I know I have to go. I cannot stay here for anyone anymore, and I do not want to stay for myself.
Dawn – I have trusted so many people before in my life and I honestly can say that every single one of them has shown they are useless in the end. They do not care. I have certainly not been lucky enough to find someone who cares about ME. Who really, really cares and is willing to fight for me. I guess the world is a lot more selfish than I thought it was.
You say you want somebody to fight with you I would but I only know you through the internet so i’m not sure how I could
*fight for you
Thanks Wolfenstein – but yes, it is unfortunate that we all need someone in the near vicinity to help. I mean, someone has to be here when the darkness hits hardest, and that is when I self harm and end up moving to my end game. Someone had recently stopped it, but I have got back my tools, which eases my panic.
Everlasting, I care for you. Even though I don’t know you, I care for you. You really deserve to be happy.
I know that the pain is unbearable, so let me fight with you.
I know there probly isn’t much I can do, but I’m also here to fight with you any way I can. I know telling you that you don’t deserve your pain won’t help but it’s true no one deserves that pain. But I’m not sure you realize how important you are. How much you’ve helped on here. I’m not telling you not to do it and I’m not telling you to do it. I’m just reminding you what you have done here. I don’t know how much longer I will be here. I’m starting to care less about Florida and just want to do it. I’ve been close but I’ve never really attempted. Would you mind sharing what it’s like in the moment when you were doing it?
Dawn – I fully believe that none of us deserve our pain. Actually, I know that we do not. We should be happy, or at least content and want to live. I think what I have realized more than anything is, that when that will, that hope to live has gone, then there is nothing left.
I can share, but I really do not want to stimulate any attempts. This is not a romantic account of my actions. I actually believe that the 5 times I have OD were some of the most tragic things a person can do to themselves. I cannot however undo my actions.
1- test, I was curious. I felt my pain was heavy, needed an out, had pills but was scared of what would happen. Took a bunch of pills, laid in bed and waited for death. Woke up after about 24h and felt so sad to have to open my eyes again.
One week passed
2- A very serious attempt. I felt very sad, cried all day and felt my pain was getting worse. I researched my pills well, took a “lethal dose”, drank heavily. I was stupid and left my phone on, and my kids mum knew if I had left it on something was wrong. She called the paramedics and they came to my apartment with her. My life was saved in hospital at the last minute, woke after 2 days in intensive care in pain.
4 months passed
3- Time had gone by, and wasn’t afraid of death anymore. I actually became happy for the first time in months. Happy that I was going to die. I knew that I wanted to die and went home after work and OD big time. Body rejected tablets and woke in a very big mess a day or so later.
One week passed
4- Pure desperation. I didn’t want to live and needed to get out. I felt the pain of my life crushing down on me, death was my only friend. Absolute desperation, cut myself bad and tried to hang and OD. Belt snapped and passed out. Took myself to hospital because I needed help.
Two weeks passed
5- Even MORE desperation. I had only recently got out of hospital but I wanted to die. I needed to die. Took all my tablets at home, tried to hang myself and woke after passing out, covered in so much puke and my belt around my neck. Rushed to hospital.
7 Hospital stays of varying durations over 8 months, many 2-3 weeks at a time.
My last go, was not really an attempt, because I backed down. I tried to hang myself and inject with a drug (remember I am a doc), started to inject and felt cold, pulled down on my noose, my eyes bulged and started to black out. Very last second lifted my knee and got out of the noose. Blacked out.
In summary, I think in the moment, especially the last times, it was pure desperation. I had nobody, socially isolated for months and months. I needed to be free from my pain and I was so deeply desperate. I wish more than anything that one of them had worked, number 2 was the big one. If only I had died then, fuck. I was strangely happy near the end too.
But Dawn – I think that you need to carry on and fight, at least until you can get to Florida because it might change. You have something to look forward too and possibly it can give you something that we do not know yet.
I know this sounds hypocritical of me, why do I not hang on and fight more? Well, I am trying, but I realize that nothing is going to change for me. I have died, I am actually dead, my shell is left. There are some people that seem to not get it, that I have seriously tried to kill myself and they pretend as though everything is OK or I am going to be fine and be around. I just want to scream at them that I am going to die, fuck, I am dead. But nobody listens.
Not sure what to say this time.. Still trying to absorb everything you said. I understand it all perfectly. It’s just… intense to read it…
Yes, I can understand that. I have tried very hard to end things and find myself so desperate. It has been a harrowing 11 months now, and the amount of tears and pain has been more than enough for an entire lifetime.