Suicide on Mother’s Day

“I sit here contemplating my life, I wonder what it has become. I raised four beautiful children on my own who in turn have given me two beautiful grandchildren.” Now why would someone who has that want to commit suicide?
Lets take a deeper look into the life of this young woman who seems to have it all: She’s a single mother who’s children have grown and started their own live’s in other cities, even in other states. She hears from them maybe once a week if not longer unless they need something. They know she’ll always be there. A woman who finds herself alone and empty.
Now this woman does have a boyfriend, she’s no old hag. But the relationship with her man seems strained. He tells her she’s going through menopause as she is moody to all get out. And today she found out he bought his roommates daughter a dozen yellow roses and a Mother’s Day card from her son teaching him a tradition his father did with him for his own mother. The woman admires the man’s incentive and honor, but becomes a little more depressed as she never was on the receiving end of something as wonderful as that. He tells her if you had one of my children I’d do the same for you. (the little boy isn’t his) Now don’t get her wrong, her children when they were little would make homemade cards which she still has today. It’s just, what would it be like for the man in her life to buy her flowers in support of her just being a mother? But one of her children did send her flowers and a wonderful note. It had been years since she had received any thing like that.
Add to this, the woman lost the one and only person who cherished her, kept her and fought for her. The only one who rocked her in their arms not long before they died… her own mother. It had been 28 years before that,that she would spend the last Mother’s Day with her own mother. There had not been any one to protect her over the last 28 years and time had taken it’s toll on her. Two divorces, a marriage of convienice, and many men saying they loved her later all to end up being cheaters and or beaters, she had about enough. Working 2 jobs 7 days a week, she was at a loss. Seeing those around her with someone they could turn to while she had no one. Not one who would understand. People saying we love you but just not there for her.
At home it was just her and her cat. Time for her to think on what she had had and what she had lost. Working in pain everyday from a muscle disease that leaves her crippled at times, vision that is going fast fighting everyday to see to perform her job. Wondering month to month if she’ll have some place to live, wondering day to day if she’ll be able to afford to eat. Worried if she’ll have a job each day. Fed up with society so fixed on outer beauty while turning a nose up at those who seem lower than themselves.

So on this Mother’s Day eve, I sit here as that woman, wondering what good am I in this life. Being so messed up in the brain from a life time of abuse, not seeing anyway out. Feeling like thrown out trash destined for someplace worse off than the curb. Doing for everyone, sacrificing myself and sanity to make sure they are taken care of.
Do know to those that know me, I love you, really I do. I’m sorry.