Too weak and unable to die

I’m 22, I’ve been suicidal since I was 11 years old. I have no job, I’m incredibly insecure, I hate who I am, I’ve never had a single friend I could talk to in person about my problems, I’ve had one brief relationship. Nobody has ever made any kind of real effort for me, they say a lot but none of it has ever been backed up by any actions, I’ve never had anyone there for me. I either feel horrible or I feel absolutely nothing and that isn’t something that I consider to be living. I’ve been sick of it for a long time and I always tried my best, but nothing ever worked out for me. I dropped out of college last year because I was too depressed to go and there was no point. Finally in late 2010 someone finally pushed me over the edge by lying to me and using me, someone I got too close to for my own good and it was all a lie in the end. After that I couldn’t help but feel severely enraged, depressed, and it finally turned into hatred for the way they had acted towards me. I was sick of being depressed always, tired of having no one, sick of people treating me badly, but she was the one that pushed me over. I tried killing myself by taping a plastic bag over my face, but in the end I panicked just like anyone would and ripped it off barely being able to walk upright afterwards. Even though I knew that it wouldn’t work I kept doing it over and over again over a period of months. Why I kept doing it anyway I’m not entirely sure about, I guess I felt like I needed to try something.  Eventually in 2011 I did it again but differently, I drank alcohol, took 3 entire bottles of different pills, taped the bag on, handcuffed one hand and sat there thinking(can’t remember what). While I was doing that I panicked from the lack of oxygen and ripped it off once again, then the drugs took effect and I passed out. I would’ve been dead if I had just cuffed the other arm, in the end paramedics came because I wrote a message to the person that pushed me over that edge. I came out of the psyche ward, have tried various medications since and none have worked even slightly. Nothing has changed, I feel just as angry, suicidal, depressed, and alone as I did before. I just want to die, but the only way available to me I refuse to do, I’m so weak that I’m afraid to suffocate myself. The funny part was that had I known it was that easy to get a gun in my state before attempting suicide I would’ve done so and I wouldn’t have had to suffer anymore. Now I can’t get near one for 5 years. And here I am, too weak to even kill myself. What I’d give for a handgun or cyanide pill.