ugh.

I really understand where you are, I myself am not far off from the same plan of existence and have visited before. I wish I had more to offer you some better words of strength and love to help hold you together. but all I have are words from my dr. she told me many years that is ok to be suicidal and confused and scared, the only thing she asked of me was that I would just reach out to anyone, someone before I would try to end my life I agreed. This may mean nothing to you. If you can hold yourself together long to find a therapist it really does help. It helped me because I knew I was paying someone to listen to my pain and I did not have to feel as burden to friends or family as you know the are human also and can only help before we start to push them away because our pain is to much for them to handle. I wish I could help you more. Understand I have been where you are , I know the self loathing and despair, I am still fighting the maelstrom, know that I love you and respect you even though we have meet and most likely never will, but we have existed in the same space and time, Love and light to you I will help hold you up if at all possible. and you can do the same for me as I run from the blackness that follows me.