I don’t know why sometimes I can feel insanely happy and joyful, yet at the same time, sad and depressed. Its like there are two sides of me fighting eachother. I can’t get away from them. And yesterday, for the first time, I wondered: if I die, will it really all go away? will I actually be free? I find it almost hard to imagine that there is a peaceful place anywhere in the universe.
The worst part of everything is that I have to be human. I have to walk around in this cursed, ugly body. I feel as though can’t escape from it either. If only I could be anything but what I am, I would be happy. Free.
I feel that I should do it, to let my spirit, soul, whatever, out of my body. If that’s even possible. And then I am faced with the chance that it might just go into another body. And I would be a helpless, disgusting human again.
I think that is probably the only reason I haven’t done it yet. If only I could know what will happen…But I can’t.
3 comments
Hi there, i know exactly how it feels like to be pulled by two opposite forces. I too have being cotemplating about dying for quite a long time. Well, we r still here. In a heavy burdensome body and a mind that goes either this way or that. I wish there is a middle place where everything just stops so the soul can rest in it forever. Dont know if it exists, but ive concluded that perhaps killing the body is not the wayout. Theres got to be another way
What are your doubts? That you don’t know where you’ll go after death? That all depends on your decision in life…
Feels like it’s really complicated, right? Have you ever considered that it’s people around you and your old memories are what makes you feel confused? Despite the bad ones, you could love yourself, turn your past into power and make your life amazingly beautiful, it’s impossible to imagine how a nice behavior will effect to someone. Maybe you make some people believe that it’s still worth living, has it ever happened to you?