I’m 22 years old and In a relationship with a fantastic guy who loves me. I have relatively supportive parents and a huge network of friends. I just graduated college at the top of my class and I have “goals” for the future. I have an incredible summer planned: travel, adventure, Burning Man..
My life is nothing short of amazing.
Then why do I want to throw it all away? Why do I contemplate suicide everyday?
My feelings of inadequacy only grow the more I try to perfect myself. I try to let go of my eating disorder and allow myself to gain a bit of weight in order to really enjoy food and time with my friends. I am still thin and attractive, yet I could not have how I look more. I know nothing I ever do will make me happy, as if something deeply sad lives within me that cannot be fixed. I go to incredible parties everyweekend and I spend the whole time pretending to be happy. I can’t sit at home alone either or cuddle up for a movie and feel satisfied. I hate sex more than anything because I cannot be with the person I love in such an intimate way. I have no interest in it. I try to make him happy by giving it a go, but I know I can’t connect the way he’d like.
Life has not always been so good to me and I’ve worked hard to accomplish what I have. Yet, nothing gives me pride. I don’t feel pride. I only feel worthless and foolish.
I often try to provoke people to physically hurt me, I feel I deserve it. But no one is willing to do this for me.
I have an incredible skillset as a comunicator and artist and could get a job easily but I can’t manage to want that. I dont want to be a part of this world. It is cruel and I am amongst the worst in it.
A few years ago, I got drunk and got in a fight with a big group of girls. I blacked out and when my parents came, I fought them so hard, I broke several of my dad’s ribs. I’ve burnt my mother before, hit her, bit her, and generally abused her my entire life. I bully both of them and my sweet partner. I wish they’d all just leave me but they see my good parts and think there’s something worth fighting for there.
Ofcourse there is, but I am not willing to do it. I am not weak, I just refuse.
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9 comments
Did you have any issues as a child?
I guess. I am an only child and I spent most of my time alone dreaming or fighting with my parents. I wasn’t popular at school and was bullied. I was also molested by my cousin from ages 8-15. I’ve also been a victim of sexual abuse at other points in my life.
Not a day has gone by that I haven’t considered suicide since I was 15
Have you talked to anyone about your childhood experiences?
It sounds like you have a really good life people would be jealous of, but if you don’t
deal with your past issues they will cause you problems in your later years,and that seems like its happening now.
Wow- I can understand why life is depressing after what you’ve been through. Doesn’t matter what physical things you have if you’re not in the right mindset. I agree that you should speak with someone if you haven’t already- this is an option you obviously know is available- but it is a major relief being able to tell someone your life experiences/nightmares.
As far as the abuse towards your mother– you can’t expect to love and take care of others without addressing your issues first. I really hope you stick around and turn life around. Theres nothing good that comes out of suicide or after suicide.
Have you ever seen or considered seeing a therapist about the events of your childhood? That is some heavy stuff you’ve grown up with, and I think it could be to your benefit to try and work through them.
You’ve been through a lot, and I can’t claim to understand how much some of it must have hurt. But don’t ever convince yourself that you haven’t suffered.
“I know nothing I ever do will make me happy, as if something deeply sad lives within me that cannot be fixed.”
“Yet, nothing gives me pride. I don’t feel pride. I only feel worthless and foolish.”
it looks like trauma resulting from the abuse you’ve experienced is preventing you from enjoying what you have now
do you feel uncomfy with having a rather good life ? do your thoughts ever tell you you deserve a more shitty life ?
I can relate on some levels I think the others are right before you can face the future you have to deal with the past.im haunted by the abuse I’ve suffered in the past and sometimes it elbows it’s way to the front I just have to kick it back and try and forgive myself and others and let it go. We are in today not yesterday day or all those years before with the trauma.we have to acknowledge what happened but we can’t let it ruin our lives maybe get some councilling and be kind to yourself and others give life a go
@OP, Your cousin is a piece of shit. Nothing worse than someone taking advantage of another and fucking up their life like this.
Fuck him.
I hope you push through.