I ruined my moms paradise. “Youre just like your father, you came into my paradise and ruined it”. I was homeless and between jobs. I helped around the house, I tried keeping conversations with her, but every time I was met with disdain. It was just a repeat of my childhood. Except my father wasnt around to physically abuse me. My mom was there to still be emotionally abusive though. She let her ex-boyfriend constantly use the f-slur around me even after expressing to them both multiple times Im uncomfortable with it because of my being bisexual. She even made excuses for him. […]
Looking to golden lights, disoriented by gossamer affection
You never loved me- lie no more. Leave me or love me, I shan’t stand for your façade any longer. I see truth, I knew from the genesis of your sin, it held no virtues.
You called my light delusion, and you called my patience an unchecked ego. When I spoke clearly at last, your shell crumbled, you held no quarter to the lies before which you had brought forth against me. You say it “I love you not, I care nothing for you however you shall live.” And so it was laid plain.
I’m either suffering, numb, or I feel somewhat okay. I just alternate depending on how badly my body hurts, if my family gangs up on me, and if I actually have food for the day.
I hate it. It’s the same thing over and over of barely being able to leave my room out of fear. I wanna see my friends because I’m so lonely but they’re all too busy. If I jumped out the window I wouldn’t die but at least something would change. At least they feed you regularly at the hospital.
I just can’t stand being stuck here wondering if I’ll have food today […]
I don’t really know why I try, if I’m honest. Before, I thought maybe my creative work wasn’t too bad – but now I think it’s all horrible, right as I’m about to finish a big project. I keep thinking it’s not good enough to show to anyone despite all my work. I’ve told people about how I’m about to finish it, I can’t just pretend that never happened – but I don’t want them to judge it once they see it. It’s all over the place… A mess of work.
Creative work is really all I have. I can’t stand long enough to get hired […]
This is my first post here, so hello. You can call me Grimhild. I’m in my early 20s. This is going to be a bit rambly. I’m very tired because I haven’t slept.
In short, I feel very useless.
I’m trying to get a physical disability diagnosed. I was supposed to sleep so I could get my blood test done, but every time I’m going to get a blood test done I cant sleep until the sun is up, then I pass out and sleep
im nearly eighteen. i have less than a month
how. how and why?
why do i have to become an adult when i didn’t get to be a child?
i want those 9 years back. give them back.
give it back. i want my innocence back. why did they steal it?
why did they take so much from me?
i don’t want this. i don’t.
where did the time go
what if he finds me? what if he hunts me down again? what if he’s still watching me?
i can’t shake the feeling. i haven’t been able to ever since the abuse started.
i can still feel it. on the back of my neck. i never feel safe. he continues to have a suffocating grip on me even after i mustered up the courage to get as far away from him as possible. listen to the fbi. lock everything down. deactivate all my social media accounts, lock my phone number, get my school e-mail changed.
but he’s still here. he’s left an impression of himself, it’s seared into […]
ican hear him again. i can feel his hands. they’re cold. they’recoldthey’recold they’re so cold
i long for the euphoria of being loved by the person he pretended to be
being loved by the mask that he wore
but it was all fake
itwasalie itwasalie itwasalie
thecuts there were so many cuts there was so much blood
on my lips
on my face
on my thighs
i couldn’t stop bleeding it just kept flowing andflowingandflowing
andicried for him to make it stop
make it stop make it stop make it stop
but he just told me to smile
and i did.
he said i wasn’t bleeding enough so i dug deeper
itwasn’tenou gh it will never be […]
“please don’t confuse me wanting your body as the only reason I talk to you” – ******, my abuser.
the person who said that to me is the same person who forced me to dig a razor into my face. the same person who made me carve his name into my thigh.
i am nothing but my body and i have come to accept that.
i am good for nothing.
“i love you for more than just your body”
bullshit. BULLSHIT. ****** wasn’t the first to say that. he was one of many, i say many because ~8 years (excluding ******) worth of abusers isn’t something i can translate into a […]
i’m unable to remember much from those years.
those nine excruciatingly long years of abuse.
there’s no getting that time back.
that time is gone.
those years are gone. i will never be that young again.
i can’t recall a childhood when it never existed.
seldom do i ever have a moment where i am free from the pain, free from the trauma that plagues me relentlessly
seldom do i ever have a moment
where i don’t hear your fucking voice, ******. where i don’t feel empty. when i escaped from you, i forgot to bring my identity with me. i have no idea who i am. you managed to steal me away from myself before i had the chance to run.
you conditioned me to believe that you are the only one who could ever understand someone like me.
who could ever love someone like me.
you conditioned me into forfeiting my right to make […]
my day consists of getting stuck in flashbacks and losing track of time.
i am too exhausted to feel anything but misery and dread.
i want to tear open my flesh.
i want to see my own blood.
i want to destroy the place on me that he forced me to carve so that his name is no longer visible.
i want to feel that piece of me torn away.
i want to feel that freedom.
the way my blood ran cold every time you threatened me
the way that the blade felt as i dug it into my flesh to form the letters of your name
the way the candle wax burned as it hit my skin
the way that the acidic feeling in my throat would linger when you made me film myself purging
the way i would try to speak clearly between sobs in those videos you forced me to make, the ones where i apologized to you
the way you talked me out of taking my life in front of you, not out of love, but out of your desire to keep […]
don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me
i can feel his hands around my neck he won’t let go he won’t let go he won’t let go
****** im sorry im sorry im sorry
he’s not really here but i can still feel everything
he was never here
******, how have you found me? how do you continue to torment me? i haven’t spoken to you since late september
i will never be able to forget the feeling of a razor being dragged down my face
over. and over. and over.
it still burns.
****** im so sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. im sorry for ******* *** **. please don’t get **** ** ******. i broke my promise to ******* ***. i couldn’t ******* **** either. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry
why am i sorry
why am i apologizing
to the person who destroyed me
what the fuck is wrong with me?
you did unspeakable things to me. things i will never be able to forget or erase from this body. i still have the scars, your name included. i still have the wax burns.
i love you but i fucking hate your guts. you’ve taken everything from me yet […]
there is a song that i would listen to back when i was still being abused in august. it’s your dog by Soccer Mommy. most of the time i’d just sit on the floor and sob while it played on repeat in the background. i still listen to it, it’s a great song and i love it, it’s just really difficult to listen to because of the content of the song itself and the time period i associate it with.
here are the lyrics:
I don’t wanna be your fucking dog
That you drag around
A collar on my neck tied to a pole
Leave me in […]
i am left with unbearable shame after what he did to me. i dwell on what i “could have done differently” and go into a spiral of self blame and hatred. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. when truly, no, it wasn’t. he had every opportunity to not be an abusive, sadistic, conscienceless monster. he chose to continue. he chose to blackmail me. he chose to abuse me. he chose to force me to mutilate myself. i did not choose to be abused. i did not choose to be stripped of my dignity. i did not choose to become a puppet.
I WAS […]
“I’m sorry if I’m too pushy sometimes : ( I’m bad at showing my feelings, I’m sure you’ve noticed. but I truly do love you & it did really hurt when you said those things about no one being able to love you…. I know you’ve probably heard this a thousand times over, but that’s just not true. you’re pretty & vvvvv lovable you stupid.”
you never loved me. never. you never did. you lied to me. ******, why did you do this to me?
you would always tell me “this is the last time i’ll make you do anything like this”
but it was never the last […]
“I will xoxo. I hope someday you’ll truly realize how much I love you, how much I care for you & how I’ll never do anything to bring you harm ever again. your body is just so perfect to me, I adore your personality & the way you feel for me & love me makes me wanna break down. please don’t confuse me wanting your body, as the only reason I talk to you.”
oh, trust me, I fucking know that’s not the only reason you talked to me. you spoke to me because you wanted to keep me wrapped around your finger. you spoke to […]