The Minute I wake up I cry because I am so sick and tired of my life and how it has been lived. I wonder what I have done wrong in my life. You know I know that i am not perfect I never have claimed to me and I know for sure I will never claim the perfection of someone…. I am not flawless like others. When i look in the mirror I stare and cry some more because I am not that pretty skinny girl every one would love to be with..
I am not perfection because I have been through so much bullshit in my life. I am poor, I have mental problems, I am just a screw up. I could sit here for hours explaining things to you and you would still walk off wondering who I am and what I am and everything. You may even turn around and think badly of me because I am a screw up.
When you go through all abuses, You start to wonder what is the point in really living. i really have nothing to live for.. I cut for pleasure, to let out relief, to let out pain and hurt and misery. I cut to watch the blood drip from my arm, I cut to wonder if I will actually go deep enough to kill myself and watch as my life flashes through my eyes. And to see if there was anything so bad that I have done.
You have no idea.. How everyday I wake up wondering why I am still living. Why I am still drawing breaths. You know.. Why I haven’t left the planet yet. People say that there is a god. that he is there watching over you making sure you are safe. But if there was a god then where is he.. Why has he not told me my “plan” Is that my plan? To hurt all of my life.. To have bad luck.. to want to die.. I have not seen him doing anything good for me.. Where is he when I want him there. When I have needed him the most.. I have not seen any signs that he has been there at all. i have lost all faith in this person named God…
I blink and stare at my ceiling as I write this.. Wondering who is even going to read this.. Wondering if they really care and understand the things that I have been through.. I am suicidal all the time and i want to kill myself 24-7. I have planned so many ways to do it too. I have attempted it already more then I can count.. Ha ha.. I think this is all for now continue later ..:D