dont know how much time i can hold on. Wasted youth.

Used to be a golden boy as a kid. Smart, witty, charming, and good at everything I put my heart into. Grew up with and angel for a mother, protective, affectionate, caring, and strong who always supported and provided for me and my brother being a single mother.
She had lost two husbands to death in her life. My dad being the second when I was 8.

Lived as a kid with undiagnosed adhd, which resulted in denial of authority at school getting into trouble due to lack of attention, interest and fooling around. I used make people laugh disturbing the class with my humour.

When I turned to playing pool in tournaments, drinking, staying in pool halls for days and nights and getting good and recognized, my school performance went down, had a re-sit a year. Until another re-sit, until a drop out, enrolling in two different edu institutions after, and all along with a bustling social life with booze, smoke, *****, as a way of trying to escape, from what had to be confronted.
Values, self respect, critical thinking, self worth, acceptance, self belief, motivation.

All along my mum still supporting me, getting a flat for me to live in and start my own life, after living with a girlfriend and splitting up, but impulse driven I decided to quit school, for the last time and escape a broken love of my life scenario to a different country when I was 18, deciding to move away and turn my photography hobby into a profession, do fashion, succeed, hail the world.

Working as a chef in ramsay nightmare type of neverending kitchen shifts saved up cash and got into a top arts uni, doing a foundation year, completing with flying colors, thinking this is the new llife. Realizin only after starting a degree, that it was an empty chase. That my sophisticated affection of female beauty and the perceived glamour of a travel fashion shooter was a fairy tale. Good idea with bad execution. Lack of the ability to work up to uni standart, writing, planning, organizing, putting the graft into a useless degree based on art theory not beach babes in brazil.

Photography being something I could have done alongside my education 5 years ago gotten better results and moved on with life and youth.

Now after failing uni, getting into the worst depression of my life. goverment debt, lots of overdraft, no savings and no way to repay any of that stuff, I AM FUCKED.

shit kitchen job with long hours, shit money, low-ambition no life colleagues,
drained passion for cookery, no vision of future, fucked up past, failed family, mistakes and absolute hopelesness for the future. Suicidal thoughts every day for the past 6 months. I have no friends, no life, no social events, no girlfriend, no car, no money, no nothing. Just my mother in a different country that keeps me holding on.

If I go back home I live like a poor person among people that used to be my school mates , who are now succesfull and happy, but im the loser, failure depressed guy. Living with my mom, sponging, being a burden, talked down by my brother.

Life has become hell and I want out every day more and more, and I dont see any other options. Unless I become the next bill gates or mark zuckerberg. This lifestyle of shift work, shit pay, social isolation, depression and complete hopelesness has destroyed my once beautiful sensitive soul due to being stupid and not seeing the consequences and no being GRATEFUL for now for my life.

There are so many people here who have had a hard life. I had the best shot at it, born with a silver spoon in my mouth but I fucked everything, all of it.

mum is the only reason im still here and I dont know how long Im gonna last, whats gonna happen with me since Im not stable by any means. I love her and always wanted to take care of her, but Im unable to even take care of myself.

Im stuck in the ambivalence of thoughts about mum and my soul wanting out of here, and wanting to cut myself when Im at work. Escape from self awareness.

Today and now there is nothing left for me here apart from my mother which I deeply care about. It is so hard to keep hanging in, waking up every day with the same fucked up feeling about this sick trap my life has become. I feel im alrready dead, switching from zombie mode of not feeling to a crying mess of a person 🙁

want to take codeine. antihistamines, prescription sleeping pills, + vodka and go swimming in a lake, passing out and entering the white light or hell whatever comes next. Im afraid of dying of course afraid of destroying my mums life, but it seems allmost impossible to imagine my future self in existence, altho Im still young (23) and technically healthy, but an absolute failure and no time or option to recover my body mind, soul and true self in this whirlwind of despair and everyday reality.

Im always been happy positive and bubbly person to be around whos been drunk in love with life so much.
Acitivities, knowledge, hobbies, people, the world, leaves, air, water, sand, romance, flowers. i could list a 1000 things I love about this world but most of them have ceased to exist in my dimension.

I dont know a way out, theres a wall everywhere I look.

thanks for reading my vent xx

music: Rihanna  – Take Care.