Failing and numb

I was a soldier I went and fought in the war back in 09-10 after returning home I stoped sleeping almost immidiately. Little noises scare me, and whenever I manage to fall asleep I have dreams about the deaths of entire families and it always being my fault as there is something else I could have done to save these people. I feal as if I failed my kid and my future seems so bland no matter how many times I try to improve it seems nothing I do will be good enough for her. I have failed a few times in the past trying to make things convienant for those who would have to find me. I don’t want to hurt people and am told its selfish of me to want to go, but does noone understand the pain we suffer and ever consider its selfish of them to make us go on with such guilt I just want the numbness of failure to go away…. I want to feal something besides the emptyness and the mroe I search the more I am disapointed.