On one hand I’m hopeless and wish that I could have the courage to die. I tried it once but I chickened out at the end, childish as I am. Still, I believe everybody has the right to do with their life as they please, for any reason they please, including ending it.
On the other hand, I sort of feel guilty for wanting to die. I think I might have first-world problems, and it could always be worse, like having third-world problems of dirty water/no food/etc. or quadriplegia/no arms, and there are always those quotes that tell you “life is what you make of it”, or whatever. I wonder if anybody else has had notions like this. Even though I don’t want to live, that human survival part of my brain just keeps telling my depressed self this, and sometimes, I feel like I’m stewing in my own self-pity and wonder if my problems are really as bad as I feel. I just don’t know, anything, really.
2 comments
Yeah, you put that very well.
I think that our brains — whether third world or first world — are sensitive and can feel similar levels of anguish over different things. Or joy for that matter.
Anyway, I could be wrong, but that’s what I think.
However, I also think circumstances matter too, a lot. Or at least changes in circumstances short or long term.
I hope you feel better.
I’ve been the same, I just think of the people that would love me unconditionally, I’ve seen what suicide can do to a family. I don’t know you or anything but all i can say is, whether your problems seem minuscule or huge to others or not doesn’t matter, it’s how it affects you personally is what’s really important. The fact you are alive now doesn’t make you weak or childish, it makes you strong for living through your struggle and you should be proud that you’ve managed to do so until now.