I am alive today because …

I am alive today because I’m afraid that the day after I die might be the day the world becomes worth living for.

I am alive today because I can’t bear the thought of my parents crying for me.

I am alive today because my suicide would be a horrible lesson for my dozen+ nieces and nephews who look up to me.

I am alive today because I’m afraid that a suicide would send me straight to Hell for all of eternity.

I am alive today because I lack the courage to end it all.

But I wish I were dead. I wish my heart would just stop beating when I went to sleep at night. I wish a tree would fall on me as I walked through the forest.

I wish I were dead so that I could be laid to rest with my husband and so that we could start living our eternity in Heaven together today. I’ve struggled for three years without him by my side and I just want to be with him again.

But I am alive today because I know that he would want me to live. I know that he would want me to be happy. And I’m trying, but some days, I just want to die.