I just need to say it.

Sometimes you try so hard to save yourself but really all you need is a pat on the back. When the time comes that I don’t even have that I really ask what I ever meant to so many people. The stereotype of what it is to be depressed is something that I try to steer away from all the time, but unfortunately I can’t escape it. I’m writing this because I need someone to see it even if no one ever said anything to me about it, even if it somehow didn’t get posted while I thought it did. I’m 18 years old and to be honest I just want to die. It sickens me that I can say that and mean it so badly when I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and someone who I truly know loves me. I would say that I’m selfish but I’m beyond believing that. I do not want to give up fighting but I have also come to the realisation that when time wants me to heal, time will let me heal.

I have fought this piece of shit illness since I was 14. I sit here and wonder what to do because my energy is gone and my mind hates me. I want someone to save me, to come and pick me up and take me away. The thought of death is so selfish but so relieving. Although I don’t want to die, I see it as an option when I’m so desperate to stop this pain inside of me. I have cut myself for years as a way of dealing with the times when I can no longer think. I have let it bleed and cut over it again and again, I often sit in the shower and bang my head on the wall hoping that I will pass out, I used to cut the bottom of my feet so that nobody could ever see it. I wish there was an easy way to break my bones, I wish there was an easy way to make it stop. I hate talking about it but it’s so real, i want just one place where i don’t have to hide from who i am, I hope this can be it right now. If I was worth more than I give myself credit for, I feel that people would crowd to help me, the people who know how alone I am within myself. I am my only enemy. But I also realise that although some of these people are not enemy’s, they are not here to save me nor truly befriend me. Friendship can so easily be a deception, in which of course it was never a friendship to begin with. I know I am stronger than believing that a friend is only what you make it in your head and nothing more, but sometimes I do believe that.

I am not the girl that feels sorry for herself and expects people to follow, I am not the girl that thinks it’s just her that has problems. But no matter what logic I enforce into every feeling, it never in any way lessens my pain, it only makes it hurt more because I realise that i am nothing special, help is not seeking me because it’s far too busy with the rest of the world. I’m ready to collapse.. I don’t want to kill myself, I don’t want to die even though I convince myself I do. Six months ago I never could have made this much sense of my own mind, but somehow I can tonight.

I want someone to hurt me and to beat me up. I want to tare myself in two and show everyone what’s been living inside of me.. I want no one’s advice because I truly feel that I have heard everything there is to hear. My diagnoses include major depression, frontal lobe epilepsy, psychosis and obsessive compulsive disorder all at different stages of this horrible journey, each one overriding the last.. but I don’t believe a word of it. I have been off and on medications for three years which only caused me to fall into a deeper pool of shit. I never learnt to understand myself before it all became complicated and now I am working my way back into a livable life without medication much to my mother’s disapproval. She has only ever taught me to handle things the way she has, she relies on everyone and everything else, she relies on sympathy and doing nothing without proclaiming her efforts to the world. I will never become like my mother, even if it kills me. She raised me well when I was young because it was easy to do, but when it got hard my parents never treated me with patience or understanding and we have never been the same since.

I just want someone to show me that it’s ok to feel so incredibly hurt by so many people in my life. There’s so much to explain that I can’t even call this a beginning. My head wants me to destroy myself but my heart wants me to stay here.. It’s so hard. One day I will die and it will be just before I understand why I was ever here to begin with.. So I will never know.

Pain can never exceed what I and many others have felt, I have been so close to death within my soul.. I am in so much pain.