Mess

Hey guys here is my story of selfishness, and my un valid reasons for wanting to take my life. Im 23 I live in the UK. Basicly think im a person who just doesnt know how to survive in realworld and make sensible adult decisions. Been to university twice to persue my dream career of becoming an actor or a drama teacher. Both times ended up dropping out due to just [artying all time and making terrible choices. I spend money like an absolurte moron take out payday loans just to spend money to try and make myself feel better. Last octoper I self admitted myself to hospital after a series of staggered paracetomel overdose over course of 4 days around, thought I had acheived my goal when started getting horribke pains in side hence admitting myself to hospital as I live on my own and didnt want to just be found a bloated dead mess. But I survived was in hospital for 3 days and was on a drip that adminstered n andidote after liver function tests I had caused some dmage but nothing major. Worst about expereince though was of course family finding out, none of them truely beleive I wanted to kill myself and beleive that this was a cry for help. I cant make them understand what the feelings are within me because I dont understandthey just kept telling me how selfish I am for doing it. I promised myself I wouldnt do it again but recently feelings arfe worse and worse struggle to drag myself out of bed, Ive  started with same self  damaging behaviour been taking small overdise if paracetomel for past week 32 a day I read online that staggered overdose are more dangerous I feel sick and havennt definately damaged myself and getting some pains but still here. I plan to take massive overdose stockpiled 150 tablets. I wish I could stop this and live like a normal person my biggest wish was always to be a dad have a family I still dream of this but these feelings that I will continue to fuck up my life are still here so I feel I have to take myself out the equation.

Peter wattie