Still alive but I’m barely breathin

Hi I am Brittany, 23 year old female. I live in the great state of Arizona!

(isn’t it funny that even in the worst state of agony I have ever felt, I still try to put on a happy front.)

Well I could put my whole life story here, BUT thats alot of typing. :p So Ill just try to sum it up and make this short and bitter.

I attempted my first suicide when I was 12 years old, I nearly died. I started taking meds at this time. I have been thru so many things its hard to name them all. I was abandoned by my parents at the age of four and I lived with my grandparents all be them great people my grandma had a pill addiction and worked alllll the time, my grandpa was very sick. I never really learned how to make friends, fit in, I was socially awkward, bullied, and terrorized at school. My real mom called me everyday crying telling me how much she missed me and telling me all her problems, which I took on as my own and it really took a toll on me at such a young age. She would promise me the world and never ever do shit for me, ever. So by the time I was 14 I had attempted suicide 3 times and was sent to bordingschools, mental hospitals, rehabilitation (for my non-existant drug problem) and group homes. I was released to  live with my Dad who I love more than anyone in the world at 16 years old. I had a decent life but being brought into a brand new city with a brandnew stepmom and two brandnew little brothers was not an easy situation for a teenager. I didn’t attempt suicide again until I was 18. In my life I have had 25+ documented suicide attempts. I am deemed severely mentally ill by the state and have been on and off meds for 12 years. I have been plagued by the disease of addiction and alcoholism as well as being chronically depressed as far back as I can remember. Life for me was hell, literally a living nightmare. I have always suffered from severe depression and bipolar disorder and borderline personality as well as a whole host of other diagnoses too many to list. Well my point is that I have suffered so many things my fragile state of mind could barely survive thru. The only thing that has ever brought me comfort is being in relationships (all of which failed miserably and the ALL broke it off with me) and drugs and alcohol. I am so fed up with life at this point I have crafted a full proof plan to kill myself  using a very effective method but not totally painless and a very scary way to die but works fairly quickly (within 7-20 mins) and I should become unconscious within 3 mins all be it a very terrifying 3 mins. Unless ofcourse I’m one of the lucky ones whos neck breaks instantly. (Which I’m praying to God for.) Anyways I have the means, (instruments needed to do the job) the motive, (a pathetic life full of agony and misery, which I have barrrrelly scratched the surface of in this post.) Now I’m just waiting for the opportunity (when I will be home alone so theres zero chance of being rescued).

Now I have started on the begins of some last wrighting in a note book, haven’t tackled “the note” yet. But as I wright down a few things for people to read and remember me by i.e.-things I love, things I hate, things I believe. I start to suddenly feel very overwhelmed I realize that, (you wont believe this) I REALLY DON’T WANT TO DIE!) BUT I don’t want to live either. I feel very ashamed of myself I have a family who loves me and would be devastated by this. but the way I see it they knew this was coming eventually given my past history. And I would rather end it now then wait and just make them continue to suffer from my actions for the rest of there lives. I would rather just rip the bandaid off and let them feel there grief and eventually get over it and accept it instead of continuing to make everyones lives miserable seeing me slowly kill myself with drugs and reckless behavior. So today after I really started to think this method is probably going to kill me, (finally the escape I have been waiting for my whole life!) at first I was excited then I started to feel bad and torn. It was the worst agony I have ever felt in my life. I want to die BUT I don’t want to hurt my beloved family. BUT I know my situation is NEVER going to get any better than just barely surviving in this pit of agony and dispare or dying of a drug overdose, getting permanently committed or going to prison. SOOO now I really wish I had someone to talk to about these feelings, but at the same time I’m sick of people just trying to talk me out of it. This is GOING to happen weather people like it or not.  I don’t have the opportunity to do it right now and I still have some final planning to do. I just feel like the most worthless, miserable, selfish, cowardis piece of shit man has ever had the unfortune to encounter. Its a terrible way to live or die. No matter what I do I’m the looser and so is my family. Its like the seventh circle of hell. Not to mention my extreme fear of God. I have been taking medication regularly staying completely off drugs and alcohol talking about my problems just not about the suicide plan and I have been praying every night. NOTHINGS WORKING. It really makes me loose faith in the lord at this point I’m like I wonder if I’m just wasting my breath talking to the damn ceiling! Well I really hope to get some good advice I guess or just let other people know that there are people like them out there. I and fairly positive I will be dead soon. My days are numbered. I really don’t know what the damn point of wrighting all this was, but I guess its just a way for me to process my feelings. I’m just gonna do whats best for me and end it before I cause anymore  harm to anybody else. Fuck I am pathetic. I can’t imagine hell being much worse than this… I just hope that there is nothing in the afterlife or I end up in the void or purgatory until heaven if afterlife is inevitable but I truely hope that when I die I die and thats it! That would be my heaven.  I am extremely tired and now I’m just rambling so I’m gonna end this now. (no pun intended) God luck to you all on your journey and God bless you all!