I wish I had killed myself when I was 16. It’s been 20 years of regret. Diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, PMDD, traits of OCD, and a horrible eating disorder which has ruined my life. At age 36, I’m living a life I never wanted. I thought I’d be married by now, own property, and enjoy a prosperous career. None of which has happened. I made a horrible career choice by becoming a teacher, and have hated myself for it for the past 11years. I fake it at work. Put on that professional face. The truth is, I hate every aspect of my job from the parents, students, the educational system, and the other teachers. I have little choice but to be a slave to the system because I have to pay my rent.
The moral of this story is that it doesn’t get better. It’s a lie that is told. I tell this same lie to my students as well. So many of which remind me of me. I try to save them, but I can’t even save myself.
I’ve been through the dozens of psychiatrists, therapist, multiple cocktail of prescription drugs. I’ve done acupuncture for a year, herbs, read the psycho babble books, taken up hobbies, wrote in journals, wrote poems, self medicated, forced myself to go out, etc. It doesn’t get better. I HAVE LEARNED THAT NOTHING WORKS. I hate my mother for giving birth to me, painting rainbows for me with false gold at the end, being naive and stupid, and not understanding the agony I live daily. I hate my father for being an abusive neanderthal who ruined my life.
I’ve gone back in my fantasy land mind thousands of times and aborted 3 of my grandparents. My screwed up parents wouldn’t have been born, and neither would I. From an early age, I knew I never wanted children. I’d never want to pass on this DNA nightmare! I’m contributing to the world by not contributing to it.
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7 comments
Yep.
At least you have found a way to feel like you are contributing to the good of the world. I also have always felt that I never want kids (even though I am only 18) because I am ugly and disgusting and have horrible genes. But anyway, I feel the same as you. Sometimes it just doesn’t get better and its really sad. And you see people around you suffering like you and you want to help them but you can’t. And you hear about thousands of people dying everyday who had families and loved ones and lives and you don’t understand why you can’t take their place. LET ME DIE! Not them. Well, at least that is how I feel.
At least you have found a way to feel like you are contributing to the good of the world. I also have always felt that I never want kids (even though I am only 18) because I am ugly and disgusting and have horrible genes. But anyway, I feel the same as you. Sometimes it just doesn’t get better and its really sad. And you see people around you suffering like you and you want to help them but you can’t. And you hear about thousands of people dying everyday who had families and loved ones and lives and you don’t understand why you can’t take their place. LET ME DIE! Not them. Well, at least that is how I feel.
Yeah, I felt that way too about other people dying that didn’t deserve to die or that died too young. It should have been someone less deserving. Someone who doesn’t want to live. I’d shave off years of my life to give it back to them.
Good comment, jessdepp.
Quite the opposit….things get worse. People just ell you that to make themselves feel better and not feel your pain.
I agree with you hopelessintheus ^ sometimes things end up being the complete opposite of what people say they will be.