Talk to me. We sound a lot alike.

Oh, honey ((((hugs))))

I know it sounds trite as hell, but you are not a mistake. You are a human being, and damn it, you DO have value as such. Your mother may well be heartless enough to regret having you, but you know what? You don’t have to base your value on her or what she thinks. Your dad cares enough to still worry about you, and so does your stepmom.

I think you have a good heart, and its been broken & stepped on so many times throughout your life that you cut to see if its still beating. You still care, though. The fact that you can still care tells me that you can still find some shred of hope.

You are not a mirror for anybody else’s problems. Pardon the pun, but you have more depth than that.

I can’t tell you to stick around and suffer. But I can return the favor you showed me earlier and beg you to keep fighting. What’s one thing that you can think of that would make it worthwhile for you to stick around?

Would they be free, though?

I was the last person to see my neighbor alive before he killed himself. That was twelve years ago, and it still drives me nuts to think that I might have done something different and changed his mind. I’m pretty sure your dad would feel even worse. Survivor’s guilt is a little prison you carry with you for the rest of your life.

I still want to die, too. Every time I think of my future, I just see a black hole. I’m hanging on for my family, too, though what good it will do is beyond me. I can tell you that your death would not be a relief for your family, though. And finding anybody dead-whether from suicide or not-sticks with you for a very long time. I can’t imagine finding my own child dead and not completely losing it.

I want to see you on here tomorrow. Can you do that for me?

Okay. I’ll be here, barring any further life disasters. I have to head out in the morning, but should be back around 4pm.

Don’t forget that you do still matter.