Written about a year ago, I think.
Yes, I suck quite profusely at social interaction. I am a prodigy at making a fool out of myself by saying or doing stupid things. Of course, only when it comes to personal conversations; I can work, I can manage departments, I can go shopping, I might even be able to go to the doctor’s office. Yet, if you ask me how my day went, that’s when the anxiety starts. I might answer, “Okay, I guess. How was yours?” and slowly, but surely, as the conversation progresses, I will get more and more anxious until I wind up fleeing like a squirrel from a bird-of-prey.
I’m sure it’s quite amusing to outside audiences.
I hate it.
I cannot stand that I do it.
It drives me absolutely crazy.
I want out of this madness that I never signed up for!
The circular logic of it all hurts my head!
I want to talk to people. So why do I end every relationship I get into, sever all ties to other people, and hide constantly?
It’s a riddle and I’m locked inside it.
I will escape this cyclical dilemma, though, if I die trying!
Or I’ll go hide in some obscure place.
Either way.
6 comments
You just need to meet likeminded people, and then bask in each other’s awkwardness. 🙂
I could post my story about having ADHD but I’m afraid everyone would think, “Dear lord, he’s got gerbils in his head or something…” lol
There are worse places to have gerbils. 😛
There’s a benefit to having gerbils on the brain – you get all sorts of weird logical connections in things that most people would never think about ‘cuz they’re all digging around in random, haphazard places. 😀
If everyone was like you, I doubt you would feel as strange as you do. It’s all in how you perceive yourself, if you made the way you feel okay with you it wouldn’t be as big a deal but you judge & resist you.
You put so much stock in what you think that you’re terrified of letting go & simply letting yourself be the way you are. I can relate, it’s been a learning curve for me. You could obsess about letting go, you could obsess about choosing to feel good, not thinking about how right your are about how wrong you feel….lol. We all do it to some degree, & it gets us nowhere. Ever read any Eckhart Tolle?
You’re so smart, you’ve learned how to outsmart yourself to a point you can’t stand it. So let it go, let what you think you know, go. Life’s a puzzle none of us will figure out, so why try…just flow. There’s 7 billion people on this planet, what percentage of them feels awkward? Put yourself in perspective & change your perception….Or not, it’s all up to you. You’re obsessed with analyzing yourself, why not obsess about a bird, a tree, a gorgeous girl, a favorite memory, & milk the thought til you smile.
It’s how you choose to focus, & perhaps changing some of the beliefs you have about yourself to ones that support you & are in favor of you…hmm. I used to be a mental masturbater…I chose to stop. Obsess with making a choice & having full conviction that’s what’s going to happen simply because you choose it. You can obsess with knowing what all your problems are or you can obsess with choosing to feel good amidst it all. Thoughts are like magnets that attract like thoughts…if you’re in a candy store, do you pick out the candy you hate, or do you go for the chocolate, m&m’s, & all the good stuff? Same thing with your thoughts. Ya just gotta practice picking & sorting through the good candy & choose to keep doing that. Good luck.
@softsoul; The one thing that’s constantly brought me joy is trying to figure out how life works, though. If I didn’t do that, I’d be so ultimately bored that my mind would race in circles about nothing. Tried it… did not work out well. lol I devote much more mental activity towards things outside myself, but there’s always a bit going on, observing what I’m doing and why. This story is more meant to be amusing with some self-deprecating humor – poking fun at things I’ve basically accepted and am content with at this point. If that changes in the future, I’ll worry about it then.
“It’s how you choose to focus, & perhaps changing some of the beliefs you have about yourself to ones that support you & are in favor of you…hmm.”
Well, that’s the thing. When I say I suck at socializing, it’s because I get that flash of rising anxiety when put into situations most people probably take for granted. I get that anxiety because I honestly have no idea how to manage those situations. What is an appropriate response? What does the person actually want to hear? I have a laundry-list of canned routines from working in sales, but repetition is not the same as understanding it. Beliefs won’t fill the gap. I really just don’t like the feeling I get when I try to be myself around other people. I get it online, too. For instance, I feel like this entire reply probably isn’t the reaction you’re looking for, but I don’t know what else to say (seriously – this causes me anxiety).