I’m new, and I just finished reading the wall of a memorial Facebook page. The difference is, this boy was living and breathing and USING this page just like any normal teenager 6 months ago. Then, he killed himself. Because he was bullied.
I never knew this boy. He went to a school near me though. I know a girl who’s brother’s friends bullied him. I’m asking myself a couple of questions now. “Why do I empathise so much with a dead boy?”.
Simple really. We’re the same age. He went out the way I want to and for the same reasons. He killed himself when I was in my height of depression. I can’t stop thinking “If only we’d known each other. I may not have stopped him, but we would have been less lonely”. Less lonely, because all I want in this awful, awful world is someone who finally understands this. I never felt any emotion towards thinking about my death when I was “recovering”. My counsellor said it was because I’d felt so bad. It basically screwed up my way of thinking. But here I am, looking at all the love this poor boy is getting and I’m crying. I wish he was alive, although I never knew him.
I keep asking myself what would my friends, boyfriend, and family do if I actually went ahead and finally did it. It’s no secret that I’ve planned many attempts, done several attempts and failed. There was one where I was so close. I was going to finally do it. But what I was using failed me. I guess how close I got to death scarred me a bit. I think about how close I got and it scares me. I’ve been happier for quite a few months now. New relationship; things were looking up. But I’m revisiting my old thoughts again. Purely because being happy is so alien and unfamiliar to me.
For the first time, I’m crying while thinking about my own death’s effect.
I don’t understand why…
I’m starting to survive. I don’t want to end quite yet. So why do I want to be sad? Why am I making myself happier when I am sad?