To Z and J,
I don’t know how things ended up this way. Was it my fault? Was it your fault? Does it matter? I just can’t believe we’ve ended up where we are. I was so in love with you. I am still in love with you, I think. Despite everything. I guess that makes me stupid and crazy. I know you don’t care about me anymore. Even worse, maybe you hate me. Maybe I deserve that.
I’m so hurt by how you’ve acted since we broke up. Remember how we cried together, hugged, and said we loved each other? What happened? When did you start to hate me? Not want me around? For all the abuse you accuse T of, for him showing up in your classes, you never blocked his number or reported him to the Dean of Students. Am I so much worse? Would you still love me, like you still love him, if I’d made you question my love for you? Cheated on you? Knocked you around while you were sick?
You probably don’t even realize that you have become T. You’ve continued the cycle. You say he threw you out with nowhere to go. I lived in my car because of you. You’ve been emotionally cruel. I reached out to you when I was upset and crying because the first time in years I tried to dress like a guy, I was made fun of. Your response was to block my number. How could you be so heartless to someone you once claimed to love?
I cried and cried when I got the no-contact e-mail. I cried and cried when I saw you’d gone to the Falls without me. Remember I tried to go without you, and you got upset, so I didn’t go? I cried when I saw how happy you said you were on FB. Smiling. Had you been cheating on me since January? I want you to be happy, but I want to be a part of that happiness. It hurts that my removal was actually part of that happiness.
You are the only person I have felt safe with. You are the only one I shared my past with, and didn’t feel ashamed. I felt comfortable with you. Like I was okay. Like I was worth something.
I TRUSTED YOU.
To trust you and have it turn out like this, I’m just destroyed. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it again. I don’t think I will. You were special, and I fucked it up, I guess. With my crazy. My disorders. My lack of control.
Even now, I stupidly love you and want to be with you. According to OKCupid, we’re 96% compatible. Haha. I read through your question answers because I miss you and it’s the only way I have left to be close to you. I need to not feel alone.
I love you, and I hope you have a happy life. I hope this isn’t too hard on you. I hope you recover. I won’t say it’s your fault. You hurt me too much, but you still don’t have control over my actions. You have control over yours. Over ignoring me. Hurting me. Pushing me away. Well, I’m away.
I poured bleach on your roses yesterday. I’m sorry. I am so hurt by you, and you are just fine. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to feel like I feel, and this was all I had.
I guess this is fitting, but you’ll probably miss the roses more.
I love you.
-K