Yesterday was a normal day, Iwas going on with my day like a zombie. I feel so lifeless, like a robot just doing shit. The day before yesterday I slept in my car because I couldnt deal with my brother. I just needed to be alone. So last night I came home to a bunch of notes on my table. No its not even my table.
Heres my living situation, got kicked out of parents house, live with newly wed brother and his wife in their new home, they are over achievers and active people while I am just a bum, I was not allowed to bring all my stuff into their new home so I abandoned alot of my stuff, I sleep in their office room on the floor with a very thin one inch mattress, i dont think you can call that shit a mattress. I have arthritis so I wake up in extra pain, I told them about it and did they care? Nope. I was forced to live at their house because my brother pressured me to because he ” cares ” , when honestly I wanted to sleep in my car.
Here are the rules in order to live at his house:
“1. No friends allowed without our approval, even if they are just dropping by, picking you up, or staying in their car.
2. Keep all doors and windows locked and secured when you leave
[[ no fucking shit since when did i not lock them… ]]
3. Keep our house clean. No food or drinks laying around.
[[ I clean up their shit every day and I dont even leave anything around]]
4. No dogs on furniture
[[ The office room I sleep in doesnt have a door, therefore the dogs go in and out, and my ” bed” is on the floor.]]
5. Help us with daily house chores. We all live together, help with sweeping, dusting, dishes, cleaning bathroom, kitchen, organize, walk bath feed dogs etc
[[ Its funny how he says that, because he tells me to do everything while they do absolutely nothing. ]]
6. Be home before we sleep. Or else find somewhere else for the  night.
[[ they sleep at 9…]]
7. Â Be friendly and respectful.
[[ Â its really hard to fake that.]]
Then there is another note:
” Conditions for being a GUEST at our house:
1. follow house rules
2. Work towards your short term and long term goals
3. No lies , no bs
4. Be open , be social, dont hide things from us
5. Respect us and our house
6. Have positive additude
7. Find stable job
8. Live healthy no soda no junk food no smoking etc and excercise
9. Be active
10. Include us in your l ife.”
Then the other note says
” When you apply for jobs add me to the bbc (blind copy) so I can see that you are actually applying. Email me a list of job opportunities you find every day and what you researched about. ”
Last night I really didnt give a fuck about anything anymore. I dug my nails deep into my arms and legs, I looked like a tiger. It felt good to feel a different pain. Then I ripped up some notes about my feelings and I stuffed it into my antidepressants bottle. I wanted to light that shit on fire. I just wanted to be alone, I hate not having a door. I rode my bike to get some air I so badly wanted to go into the busy intersection. But I went back to his house and I was locked out and did not have my car keys. I Â just had my bike, and my phone that was dying. Fyi I dont even have a house key. I have to leave the house when they are gone and I can go in if they are home.
Today he forced me to go to work with him, he dropped me off at the library at 8am and he said he is going to pick me up at 6pm. I AM SO FUCKING MISERABLE! The people who just wants to ” help me” is just killing me more and more. I cant take it anymore. seriously. fuck. I feel so unwanted living there I want to leave he gets upset I live there he is upset. They always emphasize on YOU ARE A GUEST. yeah i fuckin know you tell me all the time thats pretty much my name, GUEST. Guest do the dishes Guest do this do that then this then that again then go back to this and dont forget about that. Ugh. I’m in the library and this homeless guy keeps farting! I didnt know homeless people go to the library, I doubt anyone is stopping by after ” traveling” to read a book with all their luggage. Anyway life is shit.
18 comments
Sounds like a prison. I hope things get better for you.
This shit would be my motivation to get a job and get the fuck out of there. From 8am-6pm. I’d be walking from one place to the next. It sounds like they are practicing parenting on you, how old are you? If they put that many rules on there future children I think they are going to have problems. I would take this free living situation to my benefit though get a job save money and get the hell out. They may be overbearing but they are offering you a chance to get things together and get back on your feet.
Sorry to say this, but they’re so fucking uptight. Just because you live in their house, (temporarily) does not mean you have to get on your hands and knees and obey their every command. I would pick my car over sleeping there any day. (only if it had tinted windows). I’m sorry you’re going through this. I too would be extremely motivated to get out of there.
How old are you?
To be honest its better to be homeless than living with psychopathic narcissistic morons. People like that are soul sucking, they wont leave you alone or wvwn repect you becuse they *help you. Well HELPING is the last thing on their mind, trust me.
You need to get out of there do whatever it takes, this is what I did when my parents kicked me out and I had to live with my psyco sister and her husband.
– stay focus, dont let them get to you or any of their bs
– get a job, do whatever it takes you need a job
– get a place that you could live and pay for by yourself
– dont talk to them about your plan, get help from the outside, fom ppl you trust
– if you cant get a job you might need an education (get back to school)
When you leave, leave forever. They dont deserve you and your life will be so better without people like that.
i could disagree more – you got thrown out of your parents house … and you just think you can waltz into your brother’s house and do anything you please?!?
while they are “busy” “doing nothing” … except overachieving – which means they are both WORKING a full day … and paying the mortgage/rent, and the electric, and the water and providing you with internet connectivity/tv/phone … all they’ve asked you was common courtesies of picking up after yourself and doing a few things to make everyone’s life a little easier and more pleasurable.
but you can’t be “bothered” to wash dishes after THEY buy food with THEIR money – to feed YOU? … it’s no wonder they’re so “hard’ on you … like asking you to look for work is ‘hard” – you couldn’t be any more ungrateful – you life is miserable because you treat people like shit – right down to the homeless people at the library who you deride as being “inconvenient” to YOU … you’re on the cusp of being truly homeless yourself and you’ll then come to understand “why’ the homeless are ‘there”
there is NOTHING on that list that is “unreasonable” – most of it is “no-brainer” stuff that was simply listed so there is no mistake later when you say to them “well, you never said I HAD to do that’ – well that’s why it’s on the list – nothing personal, just dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s
it really sounds to me like your brother “knows’ you very well and is trying to be a safety net for you – try to see it from his perspective and appreciate his effort – i can assure you – a one inch mattress in an air conditioned house is WAY more comfortable than a park bench or living under a bridge – or fighting for a bed in a homeless shelter (where they have a LOT of rules just to get in the door) where you get to sleep in a big room with dozens of “other people”
better get some perspective quick kid – cuz you’re in a nose dive right now.
miffed dawg
**correction – the “exercise” request is “a little” over the top
I agree with dawg, but I also understand you and how it makes you feel. So half half here.
Putting myself in your shoes, a list like that would really irk me.
That’s because I have been independent for so long, and I do not like rules.
How old are you?
I was put off by your comment on the homeless people in the library too.
They have every right to be in the library. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute.. They are human beings too ya know?
Try to respect your brother and his rules, and be grateful for him putting a roof over your head.
do your bit around the house, clean up, do some extra chores, take some responsibility – you will benefit from it too.. I’m sure if you put in some effort and were even half pleasant to be around, he wouldn’t pay so much attention to all the petty rules..
I could do with some rules and a good kick up the arse myself. Because leave it to me, and everything falls on top of me. Try see the positive in this..
And do sleep in your car when you just can’t handle it anymore – good you have a space of your own too..
Good luck
@ “Dawg” You dont know anything about me nor my situation or anything I have been through. Because of a list was written doesnt mean I never did any of it to begin with and my brother knows that. I felt overwhelmed with all the constant notes for when I slip up. Like not cleaning dog shit in the back yard for one day. Every error I made I get 50 notes about it and other things that are ” no brainer”. You dont need to explain homelessness because i have BEEN THERE. When I was making a decent amount of money I gave back, I am not the kind of person who just feels sorry for them but I try to make a difference by giving them food or clothes. The last part was a joke, because I have not been to a library in years and im in Long Beach and I have never seen so many homeless people in a library, and the guy farted.
You think that I am ungrateful and dont do anything by choice. Like I never worked a day in my life. I dont know where you are from but where I am from its not easy to get a job. I have been searching for months. I did everything I was asked of without being asked to do it until I missed a day then I’m treated as if I never did anything at all. I wasnt asked to just do dishes, clean the restroom . clean the kitchen etc. I had to do everything and anything he wanted. He wants milk at 2am then I went and got it, he needs his bike pumped I did it, he needs me to pour him a cup of water I did it, he needs me to make him food I did it. I am just overwhelmed with all the commands and all the notes. I never told him no to anything and I never told him how his treatment was making me feel. He wants me to be friendly by smiling and I just have a hard time faking a smile. He knows nothing about me, we didnt grow up together he left me and thinks he can come back in my life and be the big brother he was supposed to be. I hold a grudge against him for not protecting me then when I needed him most. I guess you think I’m lazy, selfish and stupid. Your probably fuckin right..
I am sorry that my comment on homeless people came out wrong. I was angry and was venting and this guy decided to fart infront of me and looked at me like it was for me.
My sister lives in long beach, I’v been there a few times. cool.
Right, well, your brother sounds like a bit of a douche really.
Do you have a friend you could stay at for a wee while?
I don’t know how things work in america, here you could apply for supported accommodation and other things.
What are your options?
Or do you just have to suck it up?
Spend as much time away from them as possible.
I also was in a similar situation, living with anal people who would go crazy when I left one cup out for an hour. So I do get the frustration.
You should take up kick boxing or something
Rude of him to fart in your face. damn.
@mimsicle I try to make everyone happy by being around and do what they want. I just feel like being alone, but I dont want to upset anyone. I dont know why I cant say no. I get so upset inside and I just have to keep composure. So yeah I have been sucking it up I just dont know how much of it I can take. I dont know why I keep on living. My life is so fucked up! I come on this site to feel better. But then I get attacked with some things I said that came out wrong. Me hating on homeless people? My boyfriend is homeless. He works has a good job but cant afford living here yet. Its hard for me to see him suffer all because he wants to be here with me through my sufferings. He tells me he forgot what a shower is like and I just dont know what to do. He tells me in a month he will get me out of my brothers place and so I can get better, but I dont think I will.
You know, if you have lived this long, the way you are, and the way things are around you, it proves your strength. You are strong, and can and will survive all the blows.
And, you can use this strength to get better too. Might just take some patience and hard work..
Quit trying to make everyone happy. They are adults. They can look after themselves. You know what I used to do, deep down I would find things hilarious (not always at all) – but when you can, turn some of these situations at your brothers house into something funny – like draw a typical situation, of him, exaggerate it, make him half pig half human, I dunno! when you can, in your head, use your imagination, and put a light on things. know what I mean? Sometimes when someone would shout at me, I would shrink into an ant, then suddenly I would imagine there pants falling down or something falling on there head, and I no longer felt scared in fact, I would have to really try not to laugh.
What support are you getting? Is there any way you can get some support, because, you can’t do it alone.
You won’t be living with your brother forever – this is temporary, something great might come up, think of what you want, make a goal, something to work towards and look forward to.
I don’t know you, or your situation – a few suggestions though – kick boxing if you can afford it?
go swimming during the day
read, write, draw, whatever rocks your boat really
ah sorry, my suggestions are crap. I actually have no fucking clue!
just hang in there – it’s not too too bad. it feels awful. i know. but you will survive.
Look after you first, when your sorted, you can take a job that involves helping others and making them happy, not now.
chin up
Thanks mimsicle you made me feel a little better. My whole depression isnt about my brother and how things are there, in my first post it explains it all. The whole brother thing just added more shit and its getting too much for me. I have been trying to stay strong having hope for things to get better but when it all comes crashing down, its hard. I dont feel like who I used to be, I just feel like a robot with no emotions just sadness. It’s interesting how you say kick boxing because its something I have been wanting to do!
You are 100% right – i don’t know you, your brother or any of your family or you situation beyond what you have wrote – and to be honest – my initial response was only based on what you wrote here – I didn’t know the “back story”. What I saw – as presented, was:
“my brother wants me to do a, b, c, etc. in exchange for living in his house – O-M-G can you believe the horror”
truth is – that just “sounds” incredibly ungrateful considering the stuff you listed. now that may or may not be the case – but that’s how it comes across. now having gone back and read your earlier posts – although I have more sympathy for some real tough situations – i see you’re holding a lot of grudges at any and everyone for what seems to be mostly ill treatment from your mom – on op of that, it seems to me that you bottle your feelings up until you explode and then let loose with both barrels at any and everyone who happens to be in the way.
you’re angry and frustrated and having a hard time with things – i get that – but to hold a grudge against your bro for “not protecting you in the past” when he has opened his house for you – it doesn’t make sense … and don’t tell me “he forced me to stay with him” – that’s bullshit and you know it – you did the calculation that living under his rules would be not as bad as living in the streets – you made a choice – don’t like it? walk – no one is forcing you to remain there.
Of course I don’t want you to be homeless – I want you to find peace and comfort and finally find a way to get out on your own. But somewhere along the line you have to find a way to get along with and communicate clearly with people so they have some idea what you’re thinking and feeling. I’ll bet, your brother doesn’t even know about how he supposedly “abandoned you” or he at least does not realize it is still an issue within you.
Fine – he does things differently – maybe a tad annoying fashion – but it strikes me as genuine – only you know the truth
clarification dawg
I didn’t think this was all of your problems, but I have read your first story now, and have a better understanding.
I am sorry about all you have been through, it sounds like hell.
You should not have had those experiences
I also have my story, and many people do.
I guess what we need to do is work with what we have got, the past, present and future.
unfortunately, we are born without choice, and get fucked up by the people around us, and then, as adults, we have to deal with all the scars and hurt ourselves. it sucks. I know.
Do you have a therapist?
You should try go for therapy to do some deep work, for a few years, as long as it takes.
Also, definitely go for kick boxing if that’s what yuo’v been wanting to do. Should release some of the suppressed anger and aggression, keep looking for a job, in the meantime, can you volunteer? I’m sure getting a voluntary job isn’t that hard. part time to start.
Write a list of all the things you would want from life if you were happy-ish and able to do/get. write some short term goals and long term goals. baby steps.
Also, do you write in a diary? that could help too. There are many things you can do for yourself.
As for the grudge you have towards your brother, maybe you can have a mature conversation with him about it, and some plans on what you will do if the results you get aren’t what you wanted.
Good luck! soldier on. little steps, and be gentle with yourself.
I think you should let your brother know how you feel.
I have talked to him about how I feel, but about my mom. He says I am so negative because of how my parents were. They never had anything good to say to any of us even if we did something good they find something wrong with it. My oldest brother recently got a studio and teaches music and has tutoring, he was really happy about it but my parents told him he is going to fail and he will be out of business instead of saying congratulations and good luck. My other brother just got married young and they were against it saying hes too young and doesnt know anything when he is doing better than they are in everything. Anyway, my brother inherited some of my moms temper. He would be nice and calm but in 1.2 seconds he looks like satan possessed his body. He gets really scary so its hard to express myself because his reaction is unpredictable.
Talk to a professional then.
Sometimes it’s impossible to talk to and try resolve things with people involved. They might one day be more open to it, but until then, you just have to process it yourself – with others, (therapist) and learn how to deal with it in healthy ways