I am a 36 year old male who two months ago impulsively tried to commit suicide following a very sudden breakup. The afternoon of the breakup I ingested 60 over-the-counter sleeping pills after drinking ten beers within one hour on an empty stomach. I hastily scribbled out some notes to friends and family before taking the pills. After taking them I got into bed and waited to die. I thought it would be a sure thing. After approximately 10 minutes I started to feel my entire body buzz. It actually felt very pleasant. I remember looking up at my ceiling….thin lines of sunlight stretching out across it from my bedroom window….and saying, “Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.”
What I did not know is that it is very difficult to kill yourself using OTC sleeping pills. I woke up eight hours later and suddenly found myself in the middle of some horrible nightmare. I was suffering from intense hallucinations. I had no idea that I had tried to kill myself. I spent the next ten hours running around my apartment complex trying to get away from people that wanted to torture and kill me. I hid in the woods, covered myself in dirt and wet leaves, scaled fences, etc. I did everything I could to get away. My equilibrium was so trashed from the pills that I could only run a few feet before falling to the ground. When the police found me I was covered in wounds and scrapes. I was also so dehydrated that they could barely understand me when I spoke because my tongue was so swollen. I spent over one week in the hospital recovering from the hell I had put my kidneys through. I suppose you could say I was ‘lucky’ to come out the other end unharmed.
Well, I have been out of the hospital for seven weeks or so and, emotionally, I am much, much worse off than I was before. I have decided that I am going to end it all. This time I have done my research and feel that my method of choosing will leave little room for failure. I have no access to prescription meds and OTC pills just won’t do it so that is out of the question. I researched methods for obtaining ******** after reading ‘The Peaceful Pill Handbook’. $450 for one 100ml bottle of veterinary ******** from Mexico….with no guarantee it will not be confiscated by customs? Too risky for me. The supplier also told me that about 10-12% of his shipments are intercepted. He can’t do anything about it. No refunds. No free bottles. Just too many ifs for me. A shotgun seems like a sure bet but I would rather not have friends and/or family enter my apartment and find my head splattered all over the room. After weeks of research I finally decided on the Exit bag with helium. I was first going to use a small ‘Balloon Time’ canister with tubing connecting the canister to an oven roasting bag. I then read that regulating the gas from these disposable tanks can be tricky. If you turn the gas half on you run the risk of the flow stopping before you are actually dead. I do not want to end up a brain-damaged vegetable. I looked into purchasing a helium flow control fitting from Exit International. It costs $180 (this includes shipping to the US). It is specially designed to work with the Balloon Time tanks. I waited through a few paychecks to save up some $$ only to find that they will only sell it to you if you are 1) over the age of 50 (I am not) or 2) terminally ill (I am not). If you claim to be terminally ill you have to provide medical records to be able to purchase the product. I was very angry since their website makes no mention of these stipulations. With that option gone I have decided to employ two tanks connected together. I have purchased two medium-sized Balloon Time tanks (each blows up to 50 balloons). I have connected them together with tubing and have used a brass t-connector I purchased from a pet supply store (the t-connector is used to connect air line tubing to fish tanks). I then have the main tube running up to a large oven bag. I have fitted the oven bag with an elastic cord and a plastic toggle so when the time comes I can easily pull the bag tight around my neck. I have secured all the connections using plumber’s tape and have placed thin strips of duct tape over top of them for safe measure. A few nights from now I will put on my headphones, turn on some of my favorite music, plop back in my recliner and make my way out of this world. It seems like a lot of helium to pump into the bag at one time but I am counting on at least one of the tanks continuing to flow should the other fail.
I know there is always a chance that something like this could fail but I think my plan is a good and sound one. Anyone see anything I’m missing or that I may not be taking into account?
24 comments
People break up. Is this a revenge thing. Just to get back at her.? Why carn’t you move on.? 36 not old.
Come hiking with me?
Hiking sounds good but I doubt I live anywhere near you.
I’m going to the UK, by the way.
Caribbean Island yacht -v- hiking in the rain and sleeping in a cold tent.
I know which one of those I would rather do.
It does sound very nice, but I live in the US and just don’t have the funds to make it to the UK. Maybe we can at least chat a bit, though.
looks like an accident. I’m up for that. Only one thing. I you are off in your self cause you are heartbroken. Give it time. Trust.
Could try getting a dog. They make good companions. Best friends in fact.
Or email, not chat, whatever you want. You see, we are rare on this site. Most folks here have severe depression issues from childhood. Heartbreak is not so common here. So I know what you are going through.
i’m 39 and not too long ago ended a 16 year marriage. I am still heartbroken and I always will be. I had the tank and exit bag and was set to go almost a year ago. You have done your research and that is a good thing. I just wanted to wish you well and hope that whatever happens to you is what you truly need. Live or die it’s all our own choices. The hiking and the camping in the tent surely does sound like a great thing to do before calling an end to life.
Most people that want to suicide want to be far away, not close to their family.
Unreachable, I have always been somewhat of a perfectionist.
I think people who reach this point, don’t have family.
Perfectionists know only despondency.
nothing wrong with that ferroever. i am too, sort of. I like things to be “right”. Just I haven’t really found what “right” is. It is only what I see it as and I guess others just don’t see it that way.
Ferroever–email would be ok I think.
It is hell for me here, for a month, alone, on this boat, I did a search for the meaning of the name of this boat, to see what part it was playing in my life, and the search came up, ‘Professional Suicide’. The wind never ceases, the Trade Winds, they howl through the rigging, I sleep maybe 2 hours max a night, I have not eaten in 3 weeks, save for some barley grass water. I am a wreck. Right now, I am drinking tequila and smoking rolled up cigarettes, even though, before I was heartbroken, I hated smoking. My life sucks, sucks so much, even though earlier, I was taken around the bay in a dinghy, and then to another boat, but the conversation was so DULL, and I remembered how rich the conversation had always been with my love. He finished with me via email. And then cut all contact. He was meant to be there, did not get on the bus, for the airport, I got on the bus, because I hate wasting flights. It was the worst decision I ever made. Now I don’t know where he is, and he will not talk to me, beyond telling friends it is totally over. 6 years. Long story. I suffered. I lost.
Okay, here is an email threefingredjack@gmail.com
Dumped by email! So undignified
Just sent you an email Ferroever.
Please dont. I just had a broken engagement and im still devastated. Lets talk
Tomorrow night is the night. I just can’t handle it any longer.
I am happy again, was ferroever, so there is hope.
What for? Why do we continue to live? I ask this question because there is nothing on my bucket list. At 65 last month, I entered into Medicare. It sucks. Everything now has to be medically necessary as determined by Medicare, not your doctor. I recently lost weight to the point where I don’t have to take BP meds, however, my doctor would like to track my pressure over the next few months to verify my BP is consistently low enough to continue not taking meds. Medicare says not medically necessary. Therefore, I have to sneak in a BP check with his nurse – undocumented. She could get in trouble and so could he. And for what? I have no real desire to see the Grand Canyon or even my first grandbaby. My twins are just 24 and not even steadily dating. You may say, they are reason enough to live, but the pain I feel on rising is not dissipated by thinking of them. I have very little savings, so I have to scrimp every dollar. What fun is that? My income was better working, but no more!